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How personal attacks, intolerance, shaming, victimism, language policing and canceling hinder the conversations we need for social change. Have you noticed how difficult is to have a rational conversation these days? I am not even talking about conversation between progressives and conservatives. I am talking about conversations between progressives with different opinions, sometimes even minor ones. And it’s not just politics. The number of difficult topics seems to be ever-expanding: religion, sex differences, gender, sexual orientations, violence on women, trans issues, racism, masculinity, feminism, animal welfare, orgasms, age, diets, pornography, sex work, grammar… These and many other topics have become so fraught with controversy that it has become utterly impossible to discuss them. I think it’s not the topics themselves, but the way we talk about them. Or, more to the point, we way we have become unable to have polite conversations. Personal attacks The most basic premise for a good conversation is politeness and mutual respect. However, they have been discarded because certain ideologies have made it okay to disrespect people that have opinions different from ours. Sometimes, the disrespect is so extreme as to lead to verbal violence and canceling. For me, the defining line between a polite argument and a personal attack is the ad hominem fallacy. A fallacy is an error in logic, something that turns a rational argument into an irrational one. The ad hominem fallacy consists in rejecting an idea not because of the idea per se, but because of the person expressing it. Therefore, a rational argument should consist of examining the ideas that are being discussed, not the person defending them. If we don’t cross that line, the conversation is less likely to become confrontational because we are attacking ideas, not people. Furthermore, if we do that, it becomes easier to convince somebody of our ideas, because we are not encouraging the other persons to identify themselves with those ideas. Identity politics and silencing Identity politics has made the ad hominem fallacy systematic by discarding the voice of entire groups of people. The argument goes like this: “You belong to an oppressor group [white, man, rich, American, etc.], therefore, everything you say is to defend your privilege, so it is automatically false.” This is wrong for several reasons. First, it is fallacious: an idea is not right or wrong because of who expresses it. Second, judging people from the group to which they belong erases their humanity, their singular characteristics as individuals. Third, this is self-defeating, because to enact social change we need people from powerful groups to change their behavior, and even to side with us to become allies. We are not going to achieve that if we don’t let them speak. A conversation means everybody gets their say. Otherwise, it’s not a conversation but a lecture. And nobody likes to be lectured. Mislabeling disagreement One subtle form of personal attack is to deny the ability of other people to disagree with you by labeling that disagreement as something else: confusion, ignorance or lack of education. This is a put-down, because you imply that the other person is your intellectual inferior, or is not sufficiently prepared to debate you. I first faced this problem as a teenager, while being brainwashed… err… educated, by the Catholic organization Opus Dei. Every time I came up with doubts about religious beliefs, they looked at me condescendingly and said that I was confused. That I was too young and uneducated to understand such complicated topics. But it’s not just religious people who do this. Even people who claim to be rational accuse others of being ‘confused’ when they don’t agree with them. Yes, people will often misunderstand what you mean. The polite thing to do in those cases is to say that you have not expressed yourself well enough, and then try to formulate your ideas in a different way. We have also turned ‘education’ into a dirty word by saying ‘you need to educate yourself’ - meaning ‘you haven’t been adequately brainwashed by my ideology.’ Using the word ‘education’ this way reminds of the re-education camps in which totalitarian regimes inter their dissidents. It is true that often people discuss subjects about which they know nothing. They don’t even realize the extent of their ignorance - the Dunning-Kruger effect. Responding to this with an appeal to authority - ‘trust me, I’m a neuroscientist’ - is still condescending, and a logical fallacy to boot. I try to take the high road by using my expertise to explain the problem as simply as I can. If you are truly honest and empathetic, they will either end up thanking you for educating them, or break through Dunning-Kruger to realize how much they don’t know about that stuff. Tolerance and its limits Political correctness does something that is an odd inversion of the ad hominem fallacy: it blames people for having certain opinions. This increases confrontation and sets the basis for shunning and canceling. To a certain extent, making people responsible for their ideas makes sense. Certain ideas represent a moral failure that defines that person. If you think that certain races are more intelligent than others, you are a racist. If you think that women should submit to men, you are a misogynist. If you think that the Holocaust did not happen, you are a Nazi. If you think that dictatorship is a good form or government, you are a fascist. I struggled with this all my life. According to the last definition, my father was a fascist: he thought that the Franco dictatorship in Spain was okay and held positions of power in the government of Franco. Later on, he became a democrat and was elected to Congress. I never stopped loving him and admiring the many valuable things he did. Even people with despicable ideas deserve respect. Sometimes our love. It’s called tolerance. We need to respect the humanity of everybody, even those with awful ideologies. We certainly should condemn people who do evil things, or who collaborate with those who do them. It is also true that evil ideas lead to evil deeds. However, unethical ideas should be fought with good arguments, not by persecuting the people who espouse them. Censorship is a tool of dictatorships. Free inquiry and intellectual honesty Another good reason to tolerate all kinds of ideas is that science and rational discourse require free inquiry. If certain ideas are off limits, how would we know that they are wrong? This is a can of worms that certain conservatives like to open by asking questions like “what if some races are really more intelligent than others?” But, in fact, the starting point in Western civilization was the racist belief that some races were superior to others. It was science what proved that wrong. Science is not amoral; it is based on some solid values: The quest for truth as one of our most worthwhile endeavors. The interrogation of Nature using a rigorous scientific method. Discarding an idea when it is proven wrong. Abiding by evidence and facts. These values define intellectual honesty: a wholehearted dedication to the truth. Here is where science and political correctness collide. Political correctness discards some ideas beforehand - it is dogmatic. Science will inquire into everything without prejudice, and abide by the truth, whatever it is. When we choose to disregard the truth in the name of political expedience, we open the door to irrational beliefs that eventually lead to oppression. Shaming and blaming Shame and guilt are two of the most powerful social emotions: the feelings that guide our behavior is society to encourage cooperation. They are driven by signals from others and have a profound impact on our self-esteem. They are so powerful that can drive people to suicide. The 20th century saw the slow realization that shame and guilt could be used for social change. If the rich and powerful could be made ashamed of supporting oppression and inequality, then they could be forced to eliminate them. And it worked. Demonstrations, talks, writing, organizing and voting became effective political tools to promote the rights of the exploited. But it went too far. These powerful psychological weapons were turned to other progressives to enforce political correctness and ideology. Even worse, they were used on people because they belonged to a particular group (men, whites, etc.), not because of their actions. The oppressor/victim dynamic The narrative about victims fighting oppressors was started by Marxism at the beginning of the 20th century. The exploited were the workers, and the oppressors were owners of the factories and lands where they worked. This struggle reflected well the situation at the beginning of the Industrial Revolution. However, as Western societies became more developed, the working class became less well-defined. Thanks to powerful unions, many workers became members of a burgeoning middle class, where they joined professionals like college professors, engineers and lawyers. On the other side of the social spectrum, the unemployed were excluded from the political discourse. Then the narrative shifted from class struggle to identity politics. The oppressors were no longer the rich and the capitalists, but groups that were perceived as having more power than other groups. Thus, men were oppressors and women victims. Blacks were victimized by whites. Gays were the victims of straights. And so on and so forth. Never mind that what really oppressed these victims were not people - men, whites, straights, etc. - but societal structures - misogyny, racism, homophobia, etc. People are not immoral because they belong to a group that they haven’t chosen, but inasmuch as they accept and support the structures of oppression. But this inconvenient detail gets in the way of spreading ideology. It’s easier to preach hatred towards the out-group. After all, tribalism is in our genes. Ideologies hate nuance. It creates too much doubt. And the people who want to ride ideologies to power are not precisely characterized by their intelligence. So they welcome any tool that helps stifle dissent and rational discourse. The best of such strategies is what I call appeal to victimhood. Whenever anybody brings up an argument that challenges the ideology, it is instantly labeled as an act of oppression: blaming the victim, re-enacting the rape, supporting the Patriarchy, homophobia, defending the sexual binary. Since Postmodernism declared the centrality of language, ideas became acts of oppression indistinguishable from behavior. Policing language The next turn of the screw consisted of placing landmines all over language. Now you could be labeled as an oppressor, not just by defending the wrong idea, but just by using the wrong word. And that keeps changing constantly, so those who are not in the known - the out group - are constantly blamed for oppression. So ‘Indian’ became ‘Native American’, that was in turn discarded in favor of ‘indigenous people’. ‘Autistic’ is wrong, it’s ‘person with autism’! Don’t say ‘crazy’, it’s ‘neurodivergent’! It’s not ‘transsexual’, is ‘transgender’… no, wait, just say ‘trans’… but don’t you ever say ‘tranny’! And so every conversation we try to have quickly degenerates into an argument over the right words to use. And if you express the wrong idea or use the wrong word, it’s an unforgivable offense because it hurts the delicate feelings of the countless victims around you. In a society ruled by identity politics, we are divided into many groups of victims and oppressors. You have to quickly signal to what victim group you belong to, otherwise you will be thrown into an oppressor group, shamed and marginalized. For example, I am an immigrant, a Hispanic and an atheist. That should save me from being classified as an old white man, the worse possible oppressor group. Triggers and emotional blocks One way the appeal to victimhood is used as a conversation stopper is the emotional trigger. It is based on the idea that certain topics cannot be touched because bringing them up would produce great psychological distress to a person by triggering flashbacks of the abuse. This is not to deny that flashbacks do exist. I have seen them happen. By they have been weaponized as conversation stoppers. Especially when the goal of the conversation is to point out behavioral problems or moral shortcomings of the victim. Another way the appeal to emotional fragility is used is when, in the middle of a discussion that is not going too well for them, they declare that they cannot deal with it anymore because it is causing them emotional distress. Other times, people surround themselves with a host of taboo subjects that protect them from being called on their behavior. Or are used to protect their ideology from being attacked. This is not new. Christian, Islamists and other religious people quickly label any rational argument against their religion as an offense against their beliefs. Not long ago, and even today in some countries, they made you pay for your offense with your life. Shunning and blocking The penalty for expressing the wrong ideas, using the wrong words or triggering the fragile emotions of a victim is shunning. A group of people would refuse to talk to you. In our computerized world, you would be blocked from social media or even ghosted. I am not against blocking on social media or platforms like Medium. If somebody insults me or engages in a personal attack, I will block them. However, I will not block somebody simply because they disagree with me or use the wrong words. Canceling When shunning is done on a large scale to somebody whose livelihood depends on their public image, it becomes canceling. It has become a truly horrific practice that has destroyed many lives. One of the most egregious examples is the canceling of the documentary Jihad Rehab, by Meg Smaker, from the Sundance Festival and other venues, driven by Islamic extremists. The threat of cancelation eliminates rational, nuanced conversations, ensuring the survival of idiotic ideas that would be quickly discarded otherwise. Censorship used to be something that conservatives did because their arguments were not strong enough to counter those of the Left. However, these days we see a new form of censorship arising from canceling culture. Ideological bubbles The problem with shunning is that it’s reciprocal. People who are being shunned or canceled get together to support each other and, in turn, shun the group that has marginalized them. Then it becomes a numbers game: which group is the larger and hence more powerful? This dynamic creates a society of ghettos separated by ideological walls, who cannot talk to each other because of their intolerance. They are ideological bubbles. People inside each bubble live happily, content to be surrounded by people who don’t challenge their ideas, trigger their emotions or use the wrong words. If the ideas or politically correct words of the group change, as they often do, they quickly fall in line. The problem comes when it’s time for political action. When you need votes, money, followers, or bodies for a demonstration. Then you realize that your bubble is inconveniently small. You try to fundraise, get followers, get out the vote, but people seem oblivious to your cause. Ideas that seem so obvious to you - because nobody inside your bubble dares to challenge them - leave others unimpressed. Without being polished by vigorous debate, ideas become flat and lose their power. If you are not open to the opinions of others, you will never convince anybody. If you do not challenge them, your ideas cannot evolve to become something that most people would embrace. If you choose to remain emotionally fragile, you will not be ready to fight for social change. How your ego hides behind your opinions I would like to leave you with a reflection about the roots of our inability to engage in deep, meaningful conversations. It’s our ego. That conviction that we have the right ideas to save the world. Our self-assurance in our many reads and extensive education. Or, conversely, the belief that we are damaged victims who need to be protected from the wrong arguments and words. It’s all ego. It’s the ego trying to protect itself, to put up its defenses against shame and guilt. To convince others that we are okay. Please, praise me. Please, do not shun me. You are a fool if you think that you are going to save the world. Nobody is that powerful. The only thing that we can do, that we should do, is to contribute to the collective effort of Humanity to improve our lot and make our planet a better place. But, to do that, we need to work together. And we can only do that by communicating. By talking, but also listening. By having conversations. Particularly on the most difficult topics, because they are where change is most needed. We need to leave our egos behind and open up to others. That’s why, when ideologies get in the way of our conversations, we are doing it all wrong.

You are quivering like a flan. You stand in the middle of the hotel room, not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go. You give me that look: halfway fearful, halfway pleading. You're probably thinking about running away and never seeing me again. That would be a real shame, because I am planning to give you a wonderful afternoon. An afternoon that you will never forget, in which all your fantasies will come true. I’ve promised you that. But what if I can't keep my promise? It also depends on you. And you are quivering like a flan. I drop my duffel bag on the floor and walk over to you. I slide my hand gently under your hair, massaging your neck. I draw you closer until I can hug you. “Come on, let's play a game! You’ll like it.” You don't say anything, but you let me lead you in front of the mirror. “I want you to look at yourself in the mirror, but not with your eyes, but with mine. I want you to see your naked body as if it was the first time. As I am going to see it for the first time.” You nod, but you've become even more nervous. Your heart beats fast. I gather your hair in a tight bundle and I gently pull on it to force you to lift your chin. With the other hand, I undo the first button of your blouse. Then the next one. “Are you looking at you as I told you?” I whisper in your ear. “Yes… I think so.” I have reached the last button. I pull your blouse off your skirt and peel it down your arms. Your eyes, like mine, wander over your white skin in the mirror. You are being obedient. You like being obedient. I pull a strap of your bra down your shoulder. The breast that I uncover is as perfect as I imagined it, neither big nor small, crowned by a rosy nipple that is already awakening. I run my fingertip over it, gently, barely brushing it, and it wrinkles and stretches as if reaching for my finger. “Are you looking, little mouse? Do you see how pretty you are? “Please…” you say. You don't know if you are asking me to continue or to stop. Your hands open and close at your sides. I wonder if you can really see yourself as I see you, so beautiful, so innocent, so young. For months, I've been desiring you in my dreams, and now I'm finally going to have you. I want to see you naked, exposed to my greedy gaze. I want to run my fingertips over every inch of your skin. But that's not enough for me. I want to get into your mind, make you feel what I want you to feel: trust and fear, pleasure and pain. I finish taking off your bra. But you, rebelling, cover your breasts with your hands. “That won't do, little mouse. I'm going to make sure that this doesn't happen again.” I say it softly, which I know scares you most. Alarmed, you remove your hands from your breasts, but you know it's too late. Your nervous eyes chase mine. I open my travel bag and take out a soft red hemp rope. It gives off that obscene smell. I take your hands and clasp your wrists behind your neck. The rope loops around them quickly, then I run the ends in opposite directions up your forearms, then between your hands, before I tie them firmly. When I'm done, your arms are solidly bound. Your breasts rise proudly. I plant my hands on them and fondle them unceremoniously. They are mine now. I pinch your nipples, brush them, twist them. You try to pull away, but I won't let you. “Look at you, little mouse,” I whisper in your ear. “Watch what I do to you.” I unzip your skirt, which falls to the ground and gathers at your feet. Your legs are white, like two marble columns. Your pubis is a dark shadow under your panties. You look at yourself in the mirror with my eyes, as you nervously try to figure out where I'm going to touch you next. But instead I gather you in my arms and take you to the bed, sitting you on my lap. I kiss you. It’s our first kiss. Our lips barely touch. “I'm going to spank you. But don't worry, it won't hurt… At first. Then it will, but you’ll like it. You’ll want it to hurt. While I spank you, I will explain things that can only be understood when you are across a man's lap with your bottom up in the air, feeling the sting of the slaps on your cheeks. When we are done, I'll take you back to the mirror to show you your red bottom. Are you afraid?” “Yes. Quite.” “Well, it’s not so bad, you’ll see. Shall we start?” Without waiting for your answer, I flip you over. You find yourself face down over my legs, your cheek resting on the rope that binds your arms. “Now, be a nice girl and lift your bottom! Relax your back… Yes, like that! Lift your butt a bit higher, don't be ashamed… Your breathing is ragged. You quiver like a flan. You anticipate the first slap, but instead I massage your neck again, then your back, until you relax. Your bottom arches over my thighs, curving insolently. You are wearing white cotton panties, good girl panties, which, however, do not cover the crease between the thigh and the butt, and the white skin just above it. That's where I spank you first, lightly. A jolt courses through your body. You gasp. Then your body relaxes again. I know what you're thinking. That it didn't hurt. That you liked it. That it would have been better if it’d hurt, because liking my spanking makes you more vulnerable. Taking advantage of your confusion, I give you a similar slap on your other buttock. Then I continue spanking you on your white panties, alternating between the cheeks. “Let me explain something, Beatriz,” I say as I spank you with that even rhythm that means that it’s going to last for a while. “The submissive must surrender to the dominant. Do you know what that means? You do not answer. You don't want to talk to me while I spank you. It's too humiliating. I give you a couple of hard slaps. “I’ve asked you a question, Beatriz! Answer me!” “Oh! Yes! Of course I know what it means! It means that I have to obey you… Isn’t that what I'm doing?” “Not exactly, little mouse. Surrendering means putting yourself at my disposal. Giving me your body to enjoy. Until now, I have not asked you to do anything for me. Everything I asked you to do was to teach you to enjoy yourself. I have been spoiling you… You must be the most pampered submissive in the world!” I give you a couple of hard slaps to emphasize the message. “I've even left your panties on, but now the time has come for you to be naked for me. You understand?” "Yes." You answer quickly this time. “I guess you are going to pull them down.” “No. You are the one who is going to pull them down. I'm going to untie your arms so that you can show me your beautiful booty.” Embarrassed, you hide your face in your armpit. I undo the knots that bind your arms. When I'm done, you stretch them. But you keep hiding your face in the quilt. “Are you ready?” You turn your face. It’s red. “Please do not ask me to do that. You pull them down.” “No, Beatriz… Don't you say you're so submissive, so obedient? Well, then obey me. Obedience is demonstrated by doing the hard stuff.” You are not moving. I spank you again, making each slap slightly harder than the previous one, so you understand that you will not be able to postpone the inevitable. Finally, your shaking hands go down your sides, grab the elastic at the waist, and pull your panties down to your thighs. In the process, you arch your hips, sticking your ass out and showing me the little brown button on your anus. You try to hide it by squeezing your buttocks, which have acquired a nice rosy color. I caress them. The spanking has warmed your skin and made it smooth as velvet. “That’s a good girl! Now I can enjoy looking at your bottom as I spank it.” You move your hips in time with the slaps. You are excited, I know. But you squeeze your buttocks again. “Look, Beatriz, I’m done with this nonsense! It's okay if I see your anus. I told you that to be submissive you have to offer yourself to me.” “Sorry… I can't help it. I am very embarrassed.” “Well, too bad! No more excuses.” I grab your panties and pull them off your feet. “Spread your legs wide. I want to take a good look at you.” “No, please!” Grabbing your hips, I lift your bottom and begin to spank it for real. Alarmed, you lift your face from the quilt. “It stings, doesn’t it? Well, if you want me to stop, you know what you have to do.” You spread your thighs wide. Your pussy opens too, the swollen labia split to show the moisture inside you. We are both panting. I can smell you. Your ass is so hot I can feel it on my face. “That’s much better,” I gasp. My fingers run across your burning bottom, but do not stop there. They brush your anus and dive into the moisture of your sex. When the tip of my finger reaches your clit, you spread your legs even further and arch your hips, offering yourself completely to me. “Nice! So at last we find the truth: you are a slut. I suppose you want me to continue.” “Please! Please!” you moan. “I don’t think so. You continue.” “What?” “You hear me. Put your fingers on your clit and show me how you get yourself off.” “No, please! I can't!” I know I am close to the limit… You are about to say your safeword. That will break the spell, now that we are so close. I stroke your clit again until I feel your body relax. “It’s okay, little mouse. Surrender. Let yourself go.” “Yes! I’m trying!” “Then obey me. Give me your pleasure. Show me how you pleasure yourself. You've come quite far, don't let me down now.” You bury your face in the quilt again. But your hand slides under your belly. I see your fingers peep out between your lips. Timidly at first, then more decisively, you start to rub your clit with circular movements. “Very good, little mouse! Don't stop. And don't close your legs, I want to see how you move those fingers.” You groan. You have tilted your head on the bed to breathe easier. Your eyes are closed. Your cheeks are flushed. I resume the spanking. As soon as you feel it, you tremble with pleasure. Your fingers move more greedily. “So now you like the spanking, don’t you?” I'm deliberately hitting you lightly. You snort with frustration. “Please…” you complain. “Please what? “Please… harder!” “Ah! So that’s it, right? You need a good spanking while you play with yourself. You are such a dirty girl!” I'm hitting you hard, trying to find the point that satisfies you without hurting you too much. You grunt and rock your hips with the rhythm of your fingers. I adjust the slaps to the same beat. We both begin to dance a dance of pleasure and pain. My cock has been hard for a while. I want to rub it against your hip, but I give up my pleasure to pay full attention to yours. “Please! Please! Can I cum now?” “Of course, little mouse! Cum for me! As you approach your climax, I spank you with rhythmic, energetic blows, raising my hand high in the air to increase the drama. You scream. I don’t know if it is from pain or from pleasure. You don't know yourself. Your finger has acquired a frenzied rhythm. You cum, finally, screaming and pressing your belly against my thighs. I don't stop spanking you until your limp body on my lap announces that your orgasm has ended. (Part 2) Copyright 2021 Hermes Solenzol

A special encounter between a submissive newbie and a dominant expert enough to pleasure her in exquisitely perverse ways. (Part 1) I lay by your side, hugging you. You hug me back and hide your face in my shoulder. I know that the orgasm has left you relaxed and satisfied, that it has pushed away your resistance and your fears. But I also know that you are confused and surprised that you have come this far. "I'm very proud of you, little mouse," I whisper in your ear while I stroke your hair. "I know that it has been hard to obey me... But it has been worth it, hasn't it?" For all answer you rub your nose against my shoulder. "You have been a good girl, Beatriz." I run my hand down your back and caress your butt, enjoying how soft and hot the spanking has left it. You are still pressed against me. Your breathing, which I feel as a warm draft on my shoulder, has become calm and regular. You must have fallen asleep. I like having you naked by my side. I think about the things I will do to you next. I wonder if you'll be able to go all the way. "Weren't you going to show me how red you've made my butt?" you say suddenly. So you aren't asleep, after all. I take you in my arms again and place you in front of the mirror, choosing the right angle so that you can see your behind. "Well, it's not all that red!" you say with a giggle. "No… It's more like blushing. But don't worry, I'll give it another round later." "What are you going to do to me now?" "I want you to kneel here, in front of the mirror." You smile. You like that position: sitting on your heels, upright, your hands on your thighs, palms up. I pick the red rope from the bed. I fold your arms behind your back, fingers pointing in opposite directions, and tie them as before. You are immobilized. You watch your tits in the mirror. "Knees apart, little mouse," I whisper in your ear. You obey right away and smile. You like that position a lot. I know. I make a ponytail with your hair in my fist and I amuse myself tugging at it to make you raise your chin. I take a nipple between my fingers and I caress it, pinch it and twist it until becomes erect. I do the same with your other nipple. You begin to writhe, but you are well bound and do not dare to leave your position. Your breathing has become agitated. I don't need to touch you to know how wet you are. I take a leather mask out of my bag and use it to cover your eyes. You remain very still, expectant. I take a few steps behind you and I begin to undress. I take off my shoes. I unbutton my shirt. I know you can hear the soft brush of my fingers against the clothes, imagining what I'm doing… But not quite, because you've never seen me naked. The sound of me unzipping my pants is unmistakable. I can see how you shudder when you hear it. Neither of us say anything. The silence is intense, taut, underscored by the distant noises from the street. This time I take out of my bag is a small vibrator. I kneel behind you. Close enough that you can feel the heat of my body on your back. Far enough that my skin doesn't touch yours. I turn on the vibrator. Before you recognize the sound, I've got it between your pussy lips. You take it with a startle and a gasp. At first you resist the pleasure that I impose on you, writhing, moaning. I know that you are tempted of closing your thighs, but you resist that impulse to avoid the painful slap on your leg that your disobedience would have cost you. Little by little, my skin comes in contact with yours: the arm that holds the vibrator touches your side, my knees push against your buttocks and your feet, my chest brushes your back, and my hard cock slips into your tied hands. You know what it is. You know that if you close your hand you can take it, but you pretend not to notice, while the vibrator inflicts its sweet torment on you. I look at you in the mirror, spying on every gesture of your face, the irregular rhythm of your breathing that makes your tits vibrate like custards. You are getting closer. Behind the mask that blindfolds you, you feel safe, hidden, free to abandon yourself to the wild images that invade your imagination. With my other hand I caress your nipple. That takes you to the edge of the cliff. I wait another second... And manage to remove the vibrator in time to keep you from cumming. "Nooo!" you say with a groan of frustration. "Come on, come on, little mouse! What do you want, to be able to cum all the time? Good submissives come only with permission. You know that." "Please, please!" you implore. "Please, what?" I wait patiently while you formulate your plea. "Please… Let me cum!" "You may cum, but not with the vibrator... Are you going to be good, Beatriz?" "I don't know! What do you want me to do?" I whisper in your ear: "I want you to answer this question. Do you want me to make love to you, or to fuck you?" You remain silent for a while. I hear your heavy breathing. "I don't know… What's the difference?" "I could untie you, take you to bed, and make love to you as a lover. Or I can fuck you like a submissive." "And how would that be?" "I'm not going to tell you. Submissives are not owe any explanations." This time your silence is shorter than I anticipated. "I want to be your submissive. I want you to fuck me like a submissive… But it scares me." "Don't worry. Everything will be fine." I help you get up. I leave you sitting on the bed while I get everything ready. I place a chair sideways in front of the mirror. I unroll a condom over my erection. You keep still, deprived of sight by the blindfold. Wondering about the sounds that you hear. Wondering what will come next. Carefully, I lay you face down on the chair, facing the mirror. I force you to open your legs and slide the vibrator back between your lips. But, as soon as the pleasure starts to make you shake, I take it back and spank your bottom, hard. I repeat this several times, until that alternating pleasure and pain drives you crazy. You complain. With one hand planted firmly on your tied hands, I slide inside you. Slowly, relentlessly, to show you that I possess you when I want and how I want, until my belly finally touches your reddened buttocks. I start pumping you slowly. Even though your agitated breath betrays you, you don't want to give me the satisfaction of a moan, of bouncing your hips to the rhythm that I impose on you. I grab the vibrator and place it on your clit. That finally unleashes the storm. You give a little cry and stretch out your legs, your feet looking for purchase on the ground, not knowing if you want to fight the hard cock that pierces or give yourself to it. I let go of your hands, I slap your ass, and I start fucking you unceremoniously. While my left hand continues to torture you with the vibrator, with my right hand I rip off your blindfold and grab your hair to force you to raise your face and look at yourself in the mirror. To look u both in the mirror. This is how you see me naked for the first time. But you can't see me completely, because part of me is inside you, buried in your red bottom to give you your final lesson in submission. "Look at you, little mouse! Look what I do to you! You see? This is how a submissive gets fucked!" You try to close your eyes, but I open them again with a yank of your hair. Your eyes, sleepy with pleasure, look in the mirror to see your back, your hands tied, my belly pumping you, the growing pleasure reflected in my eyes. Then you close your eyes again and I can't keep you from doing that anymore, because I can see in the mirror the waves of pleasure coursing through your body while I feel your pussy clenching spasmodically my cock. I bury myself completely in you and, finally, I abandon myself to my pleasure. I have returned you to the bed and untied your hands. Safe in now your nakedness, you rest your head on my shoulder and place your thigh on my belly. I gently stroke your hair. "Clearly, Beatriz, you are totally spoiled." You lift your head from my shoulder to look at me in alarm. "Why? Did I do something wrong?" "You were quite good… But you should have asked for permission before cumming." "But it's just that I… With everything you were doing to me… How was I going to…? I could not…" You drop your head on my shoulder, frustrated. "You're right," you finally admit. "I haven't been a good submissive. I only think about cumming and that's not right. You spoil me." "I was just kidding, little mouse! If I'd wanted you to ask for permission, I would have reminded you. Don't worry, you've been a good submissive. Did you have fun?" "It was great!" "That's what's important. We will take in your submission lessons again, some other time." "You know what? I'm glad that I chose that you fucked me. Making love wouldn't have been half as fun. I'd like you to treat me as a submissive. I want you to fuck me unceremoniously and leave my butt red and hot. As it's now." "I'll be happy to do that, little mouse." "But I don't want to stop being your spoiled submissive. I want you to pamper me and make me enjoy until I can no longer resist. I want you to take me by the hand and lead me to the place where I have no choice but to give myself to you, as we have done today." Copyright 2021 Hermes Solenzol.

Is it cruelty? Or a desire to dominate? Or a quest for pleasure? The difference between sadism and cruelty You may use the words ‘sadism’ and ‘cruelty’ as synonyms. Most people do. However, I will show you here that they mean completely different things. Cruelty is to make people suffer with lack of empathy and dehumanization. Sadism is to derive pleasure from pain in a shared, erotic experience. The word ‘sadist’ comes from the name of Donatien de Sade, better known as the Marquis de Sade, French aristocrat, nihilistic philosopher and writer. He enjoyed inflicting and receiving erotic pain in the form of floggings, canning, whippings and rough sex. The Marquis de Sade was, in fact, both a sadist and a masochist - what modern people into BDSM would call a ‘switch’. Although most of the things he did would be considered consensual, even by today’s strict standards, Donatien was prosecuted for them and spent long years in jail. He wrote many of his novels during that time. When The Bastille was assaulted during the French Revolution, he was one of the prisoners locked inside. The confusion of sadism with cruelty derives from the confusing of pain with suffering, something that I discussed in another article, Pain Is Not Suffering. A survey for sadists in Fetlife.com You may wonder what is my evidence for what I said above. There are very few scientific studies on sadomasochism, and even those do not directly address the question of what motivates sadists to do what they do. Sadomasochism is one of the three facets of BDSM. The other two are bondage and dominance/submission. There is a lot of overlap between them. Sadomasochism is an erotic activity in which one partner - the sadist or top - inflicts pain on the other - the masochist or bottom. The pain is usually physical, but it can also be emotional in the form of humiliation and mind-fucking. Physical pain can be divided between impact (spanking, flogging, paddling, caning, etc.) and non-impact (clamps, needles, hot wax, hot peppers, figging, fire play, etc.). Rough sex and orgasm control are also considered forms of sadomasochism. There are millions of people who engage in sadomasochism. Fetlife.com has become a gathering place for many of them, a sort of kinky Facebook. So, I posted in Fetlife two surveys to find out what motivates masochists and sadists to engage in sadomasochistic play. The results of my survey of masochists can be seen in this article in Medium. Hypotheses I designed the questions of my survey to test the following hypotheses: Sadists inflict pain only to masochists who desire the pain and see it as a positive experience. Sadists do not inflict pain out of cruelty, that is, to cause suffering. Sadists empathize with the masochists: they seek to feel their pain. Sadists derive a sense of power and control from the pain they inflict. Sadists inflict pain to dominate, discipline and punish the masochist. Sadists seek mental experiences like altered states of consciousness (‘top space’), catharsis and transcendence. Survey design Riding on the popularity of my survey of masochists, I posted another one in Fetlife directed at sadists: A Survey for Sadists/Tops/Doms: Why Do You Inflict Pain? By pain I meant any form of pain in a BDSM context, but not real-world punishments or pain in sports, without an erotic or fetish meaning. Since the label ‘sadist’ carries a lot of stigma, I asked for responses from tops, rope riggers and doms - anybody who gives pain in any way in BDSM. A mistake of the masochist’s survey was that it included very few options. So in this one I listed 18 different possibilities for enjoying inflicting pain. As controls, I included unlikely responses, like indifference: doing it for no reason at all. One of the options was ‘other’, inviting the responders to provide their own reasons in a comment. Each option was defined by a keyword - for example, ‘empathy’ - followed by a short explanation of what it meant. People were asked to choose the option even if the description was only a partial match for their experience. These keywords and their explanations are listed below. The responders could choose as many of the options as they wanted. I randomized the order of the options, so it could not affect the preference of the responders. I used this randomizer. There was no control group. Because of the survey depends on people volunteering their answers, there is no group of non-sadists to compare with. Results I compiled the responses in a spreadsheet, added the number of responders for each option, and calculated the percentage relative to the total number of responders. Below, I rank the 18 options from the ones with most responders to the ones with less. After each keyword, I include, in quotes, the explanation that I gave it in the survey. Further down are the number of responders for that option and the percentage obtained by dividing that number by 56, the total number of responses. I end by giving my interpretation of the result. 1 - Pleasure “You play with bottoms who are masochistic and derive pleasure from pain. You enjoy sharing that pleasure. It’s really great if they orgasm from the pain.” Responses - 44 Percentage - 79% This is a large majority of responders, indeed! It refutes the popular belief that sadists want to make other people suffer. Sadist know that pain is a source of pleasure for masochists and enjoy sharing that experience. This also shows that consent is essential for sadists: if the bottom is not enjoying the experience, they cannot enjoy it, either. Apart from the obvious ethical considerations. 2 - Connection “Giving a bottom pain helps you establish intimacy and connection with him/her.” Responses - 36 Percentage - 64% This is closely related to the previous option. Unlike a cruel person, who is emotionally detached and dehumanizes people, the sadist seeks connection and intimacy with the bottom. A sadomasochistic scene is an intimate, shared experience, just like sex. 3 - Looks “You pay close attention to your bottoms and enjoy the way they express pain with facial expressions, moans, curses and body movements. You love red bottoms, bruises, rope marks and other signs of what you have done to them.” Responses - 35 Percentage - 63% This option shifts the attention to what sadists feel, why they enjoy the infliction of pain. They like what pains looks like. The way pain shows in how the masochist reacts to it. And also the traces it leaves as redness and marks on the skin. In this there is a connection with the masochists, too, because they also enjoy these manifestations of pain. Facial expressions, moans and struggle are forms of communication, ways for the masochists to share their experience with the top. 4 - Top space “Inflicting pain brings you to an altered state of consciousness that is joyful. It may be a feeling of centering, focus and enhanced attention. Or it may be dream-like. Giving pain frees you from daily worries and quiets your mind.” Responses - 34 Percentage - 61% While sub space is a popular topic in BDSM, not much is said about top space, a parallel altered state of consciousness experienced by a sadist when inflicting pain. The fact that so many responders identified top space as one of the reasons why they like to inflict pain indicates that a sadomasochistic scene creates a special mental state in both the top and the bottom. Given the focus of the top in controlling the scene, it is unlikely that top space is an endorphin-driven, dreamy state like sub space. However, this remains to be established. 5 - Power “Being able to give pain to people is empowering for you. It’s very heady to feel that you have control over their feelings and their attention. You take inflicting pain as a challenge, where you try to push your limits and the limits of the bottom.” Responses - 33 Percentage - 59% A large percentage of responders identified the feeling of power as one of their motivations for inflicting pain. This is the converse of the elation that submissives feel in giving up control. It is possible that this feeling of power contributes to top space. 6 - Sub space “You like to put bottoms in that altered state of consciousness where they feel like floating and dreaming. You feel pleasure by seeing how much they enjoy it.” Responses - 31 Percentage - 55% In the survey of masochists, sub space ranked as one of the main reasons why they like pain. Since sadist want to pleasure masochists, it is understandable that they enjoy putting them in sub space. 7 - Domination “When bottoms receive pain from you, they show you that they submit and surrender. You enjoy how vulnerable the bottom becomes when in pain. You use pain to enforce obedience.” Responses - 30 Percentage - 54% Sadomasochism and dominance/submission are considered two different components of BDSM. People who engage in one of them do not necessarily like the other. However, there is considerable overlap, as shown by this high number of sadists who selected domination as one of the reasons why they like to inflict pain. This is consistent with their identification of power as one of the main reasons for wanting to inflict pain. 8 - Healing “Giving your bottom pain helps her/him relieve chronic pain, depression, anxiety, past trauma or other unhealthy state.” Responses - 22 Percentage - 39% This is the first option for which the number of responders dipped below 50%. This is understandable, since only a few masochists are likely to have these disorders. 9 - Mind fucking “You use pain to put people in a mental state of confusion, defeat and surrender.” Responses - 20 Percentage - 36% Outside BDSM, mind fucking is a form of psychological abuse consisting of messing with the sense of reality of a person. However, in BDSM it is done consensually for fun and personal exploration. However, it is an edgy activity, so it’s not surprising that only a minority of sadists selected it. All things considered, 36% is a fairly large number. 10 - Reverse catharsis “Pain brings out of the bottom emotions like anger, sadness, joy, indignation, shame and guilt, so he/she can process them and get rid of them. You enjoy this process.” Responses - 19 Percentage - 34% Catharsis means ‘cleansing’ in Greek. It’s a psychologically healing phenomenon in which bottled-up emotions are allowed to manifest themselves, usually as crying and laughing. A sadomasochistic scene could elicit catharsis in either the top or the bottom. Since this is a survey of tops, I called their experience ‘catharsis’ and the bottom’s ‘reverse catharsis’. This survey reveals that 34% of sadists expect their bottoms to undergo catharsis, but not so much themselves—only 18% identified their own catharsis as a reason for inflicting pain. 11 - Discipline “You use pain to train somebody to withstand it, to submit, or for some other form of discipline.” Responses - 17 Percentage - 30% Discipline is one facet of dominance/submission. One form of discipline is to train the submissive to endure pain for the enjoyment of the dominant, or as a way to demonstrate their dedication. As we can see, a minority of sadists use pain this way. 12 - Empathy “When you inflict pain, you imagine what it feels like and you enjoy that sensation. You put yourself in the place of the bottom to enjoy the experience from their point of view. You like pain for its own sake. Pain is great. It fascinates you.” Responses - 15 Percentage - 27% I expected more sadists to select this option, because I thought that experiencing pain vicariously through the masochist was a large part of the motivation of the sadist. This could mean that the sadist is a covert masochist, like the Marquis de Sade. In my description, I also suggested a fascination for pain as motivation for wanting to inflict it. The survey shows that this is the case only for a minority of sadists. 13 - Punishment “You use pain to punish people for their wrongdoings or disobedience. Or you do scenes in which you pretend to punish somebody. The idea of punishment turns you on.” Responses - 13 Percentage - 23% Punishment is another big component of dominance/submission. Some people have a ‘punishment fetish’: they find it erotic to be punished or to punish others. The survey reveals that punishing only motivates a small percentage of sadists. 14 - Catharsis “Inflicting pain on others brings out emotions like anger, sadness, joy, indignation, shame and guilt, so you can process them and get rid of them. You feel cleansed after a scene in which you inflicted pain.” Responses - 10 Percentage - 18% Only a small number of sadists inflict pain as a way to release their own emotions. In contrast, 34% of them expect their bottoms to experience catharsis during a scene. 15 - Cruelty “You like to make people suffer. It’s great that BDSM allows you to express your dark side. You do not try to feel what they are feeling, but rather dissociate from them.” Responses - 10 Percentage - 18% My hypothesis is that sadism is different from cruelty. A sadist derives pleasure from inflicting pain, but not because pain causes suffering. This survey shows that a large majority of sadists inflict pain only when it pleases the masochist. A cruel person, on the other hand, wants to cause suffering. The small number of people who chose this option confirmed my hypothesis. Still, 10 people chose it. Perhaps they do not appreciate the difference between pain and suffering. However, given the explanation that I gave, it seems that a small number of sadists do want to express a dark, cruel side of their mind. Conversely, there might be ‘emotional masochists’ who want to experience, not just physical pain, but negative emotions that could be considered suffering. 16 - Other “Please describe things you like about inflicting pain that are different from the other ones listed here.” Responses - 9 Percentage - 16% Given their small number, I will just quote or paraphrase their responses: “Helps with my chronic pain.” “For the sake of kink - it's fun to do something different, something ‘wrong’, something non-vanilla.” Trust: I like that the masochists trust me to take them on their own journey. To test the toys and the furniture that I make. To get “a feeling that all is right with the world” and life is better. Contrast: “Tenderness, closeness, cuddling, caregiving, and all the other soft and gentle actions feel much better after pain/discomfort/humiliation.” “A disciplined practice like impact topping has helped with controlling impulsive behavior that has often been a problem in the past through creating an atmosphere and immediate responsibility for my actions.” “My partners are my art.” My own submission - Giving pain is my service to the masochist. 17 - Transcendence “Giving pain brings down your ego. It gives you a feeling of humility and liberation from personal limits. It’s a mystical experience.” Responses - 6 Percentage - 11% Mysticism and search for a transcendent experience appeals to some kinksters, particularly those with lots of experience. Although they are few, the survey reveals that they do exist. 18 - Indifference “You don’t really care how bottoms feel when you beat them or give them pain. You just do it.” Responses - 1 Percentage - 2% I included this option as a control, a way to check that the responders were paying attention and could not opt for “all of the above”. It also tested the hypothesis that sadists do have motivations for inflicting pain. The one person who selected this option also selected 9 others, including sub space, top space, catharsis and reverse catharsis, things that seem incompatible with an attitude of indifference. Interpretation The preferred options could be grouped into three clusters. Centered on the masochist. In order of preference, this includes pleasure (1), connection (2), sub space (6), healing (8) and reverse catharsis (10). In these options, the sadist’s motivation is to pleasure, heal and fulfill the desires of the masochist. By and large, these are the main motivations declared by the sadists. Centered on the sadist. This includes looks (3), top space (4), power (5), empathy (12), catharsis (14) and transcendence (17). The sadist is motivated by his own pleasure and state of mind. Although ranking less than the first cluster, it still includes several options chosen by more than 50% of the tops. Dominating the masochist. This includes domination (7), mind-fucking (9), discipline (1) and punishment (13). Here the emphasis is on the ability of the sadists to control the masochists, influencing their thoughts, emotions and behavior. It denotes a certain overlap of sadomasochism with dominance/submission. Although less preferred than the other two clusters, these options are still substantial. The responses strongly support hypotheses 1 and 2. Sadists only inflict pain on masochists who desire it, and do it to pleasure the masochist. Sadists do not inflict pain to cause suffering. Hypothesis 3 - that sadists empathize with masochists seeking to feel their pain - was not supported by the results. Only 27% of the responders selected this option. Hypotheses 4, 5 and 6 are valid for some of the responders. Conclusion In summary, sadists like to inflict pain to provide a positive experience for the masochists and for themselves. This experience is not just pleasure, but also involves connection, altered states of consciousness, catharsis and healing. In addition, the desire to dominate and control others motivates a type of sadists.

Pain and suffering are often confused; learning to differentiate them can help us live a better life Understanding suffering is crucial to live a meaningful life. For that reason, suffering a fundamental concept in many religions, particularly in Buddhism, which is built around a reflection on suffering and its overcoming. The same can be said for philosophies like Stoicism and Epicureanism. However, in today’s culture there is a simplistic interpretation of suffering that confuses it with pain, to the point where these two words are often used interchangeably. I have gained a deep comprehension of the difference between pain and suffering from three sources. First, by doing scientific research on pain neuroscience. Second, from my interest in sadomasochism. Third, from my practice of Zen Buddhism. A few facts about pain from neuroscience Pain and nociception are different things. Strictly speaking, the detection of noxious (harmful) events in the body by the central nervous system is called nociception, not pain [37]. Nociception gives rise to pain only when it becomes a subjective experience, that is, when it becomes conscious. For example, under general anesthesia there is nociception but not pain: all nociceptive pathways from the body to the brain are active, but there is no pain because the anesthesia keeps us unconscious [31]. In contrast, if a peripheral anesthetic like lidocaine is applied to the surgery site, there would be neither nociception nor pain, because lidocaine keeps the pain nerves from sending signals to the nervous system. The converse is also true: there can be pain without nociception. This happens in a disorder called “central pain” in which pain originates in a dysfunction of the brain [28], and in phantom limb pain [2,14]. My point here is that pain is part of our conscious experience. Pain is a sensation of its own, different from tact, itch and other sensations coming from the body. This was controversial for a while [10], but now we know that pain has its own pathways: sensory nerves contain non-myelinated C fibers and thin myelinated A-delta fibers [33] that are specialized in sending noxious signals from the body to the dorsal horn of the spinal cord [1]. From there, neurons send axons to different brain areas (mainly the parabrachial nucleus and the thalamus), which then relay pain signals to the cortex. Although pain is different from tact (which is carried by thick myelinated A-beta fibers), it interacts strongly with it. Usually, tactile sensations inhibit pain. This is why we rub a knee we just bumped or kiss our child’s boo-boo. However, in chronic pain disorders normal tactile sensations become painful. This is because there is a neuronal “gate” in the spinal cord that connects neurons that process tact with neurons that process pain. Normally, the gate is inhibitory, so tact inhibits pain. But in chronic pain disorders the gate becomes excitatory, so tactile sensations become painful [25]. The brain exerts a large control over the intensity of pain. Apart from this modulation by tactile sensations, the intensity of pain is also controlled by “descending pathways”: neurons in the brain send axons down the spinal cord [4,13]. The best know descending pathway is the one that links the periaqueductal grey (PAG) area in the middle of the brain with the rostral-ventral medulla (RVM) in the brain stem, and uses endorphins and opioid receptors to inhibit pain [23]. The analgesic effect of morphine and other opioids is largely mediated by this pathway. Another pain inhibition pathway uses noradrenaline as its neurotransmitter and links the nucleus coeruleus with the spinal cord [21,22,27]. The noradrenergic and the opioid pathways inhibit each other, so they are not active at the same time: the noradrenergic one is active in fight/flight situations, whereas the opioid one is linked to the freeze response [30], social defeat and relaxation. A third descending pathway increases pain instead of decreasing it [29,35], and a fourth uses dopamine as the neurotransmitter [16,17]. The modulation of pain by these systems is not trivial: the inhibitory pathways can completely abolish the pain caused by a major injury, whereas the stimulatory ones can deliver excruciating pain from a minor one. The take-home message here is that our mental state and attitude towards pain regulates the intensity of pain. Fear affects pain. One of the main triggers for these descending pathways is fear. Counter-intuitively, fear inhibits pain [5]; except in some chronic pain disorders in which fear increases pain [15,20]. There is an evolutionary reason for this: if an animal is in a fight/flight situation, pain would be a distraction that will hinder its escape or its ability to fight. This inhibition of pain by fear is mediated by the amygdala (the brain region that processes fear) and the noradrenergic descending pathways [7,24,34,36]. This explains why we feel less pain while doing sports and other activities that trigger our fight/flight response. Pain has a sensory component and an emotional component. Nociceptive signals from the spinal cord arrive at the thalamus, and there split into three pathways. One goes to the somatosensory cortex, which produces the sensation of pain: where it is located and what kind of pain it is (sharp, dull, etc.). The other two pathways go to the anterior cingulate cortex and the insula [8,11]. The anterior cingulate serves to motivate behavior, in this case to avoid the pain. The insula is responsible for the emotional aspect of pain: its unpleasantness. Drugs like ketamine and PCP (called “dissociative anesthetics”) are able to block the emotional component of pain while leaving its sensory component intact: under their influence people feel the pain, know where it is, but do not care about it. The key link between pain and suffering is in this emotional component of pain. Pain is an emotion Although we all have a strong intuition about what is an emotion, there is quite a bit of controversy about their exact definition. I am going to go out on a limb and provide my own, which I think is informative and in accordance with novel concepts in neuroscience: Emotions are states of the brain that provide valence and salience in order to filter sensations, drive ideation and motivate behavior. “Valence” refers to whether a mental content is attractive or aversive (we like it or not). “Salience” refers to the ability of a mental content to claim attention to itself over other mental content. According to this definition, pain is clearly an emotion because it has valence, salience and is a strong drive for ideation and behavior: if we are in pain we tend to go out of our way to stop it. Even if you disagree with my definition of emotion, there is a consensus among pain neuroscientists that pain is an emotion or has an “emotional component” [9]. Pain is not the only sensation with an emotional component, others are itch, tickle, hunger, thirst and pleasure. Itch can be as salient as pain and motivates us to scratch. Pleasure makes us want to continue doing whatever we are doing [18]. The emotional component of pain is based on its activation of the insula and the anterior cingulate cortex. The insula is a place where multiple emotions converge including pleasure, itch and disgust [38]. It also plays a role in positive emotions such as love and empathy, even orgasm! But all this refers to the posterior insula. Throughout the evolution from monkeys to humans, there was a rapid development of the anterior insula. According to neuroscientist Bud Craig [11,12], the right anterior insula has an important and very specialized function in humans: it simulates hypothetical states of the body. Thus, if you imagine what a kick in the butt would feel like, that’s your right anterior insula doing the work. This means that we can also imagine sensations that other people may be feeling: the right anterior insula mediates empathy. It may even participate in another unique property of the human mind: theory of mind, which consists of modeling what goes on in other people’s minds [19,26]. Pain and suffering Pain not always has negative valence. In lay terms, this means that sometimes pain can feel good. There are many examples. You may remember when you were 6 years old and had to continually move with our tongue that dangling tooth about to fall (and the Tooth Fairy has nothing to do with it). It hurt, but it hurt so good! Billions of people in nations like Mexico, Thailand, and India love spice food. The compound that makes food spicy is capsaicin, which activates a protein called TRPV1, the one that mediates the sensation of painful burning [6,32]. Hence, spicy food actually causes pain. Another use of capsaicin is to make Maze and tear gas. All mammals except us avoid capsaicin — birds do not have TRPV1, that’s why they eat chili peppers like candy. Another instance where pain feels good is sports. People love to “feel the burn” while running or working out. Personally, I love to twist my feet and hands inside the crack in a rock face to climb it [3], or to keep doing those hard turns while skiing regardless of the pain in my quads. Zen meditation was always painful for me, but I learned to explore the ways pain affects my consciousness. Then there is sexual masochism. Millions of people around the world love to be spanked. Some even like being caned, paddled and whipped to levels of pain that would be considered torture by most people. Clearly, a lot of activities that we consider joyful or fulfilling entail a certain level of pain, which we tolerate or even appreciate for its own sake. Why are we able to enjoy pain? First of all, when we are doing an exciting activity like skiing or rock climbing, this activates the noradrenergic descending pathway that inhibits pain. Pain also mixes up with other emotions in the insula, and the resulting effect may be that pain enhances the positive emotions, including pleasure. In the case of sexual masochism, not all forms of pain are enjoyable. Masochists tend to favor a burning, stingy kind of skin pain, similar to the sensation that capsaicin from spicy food leaves in the mouth. Muscular, bone and visceral pain are much less enjoyable. Some masochists do not enjoy the pain but its psychological context as punishment or as a sign of dominance. Of course, I am not denying that pain can be a significant source of suffering. I am well aware of the suffering of people with chronic pain, of the grinding effect of having to endure excruciating levels of pain for days on end. The goal of my research was to find a cure for chronic pain. But even for chronic pain patients, beliefs about pain and coping mechanisms can have a great impact on their suffering. Since in these disorders fear increases pain, letting it take over the mind increases pain. Positive emotions and cognitive strategies can interact with pain in the insula, dampening its emotional impact. Cognition and culture can influence the intensity and valence of pain. Therefore, the ability to induce suffering depends on our education and values. Whereas our culture teaches children to fear and avoid pain, other cultures teach indifference to pain or stoicism. Pain would make us suffer less if we change the way we think about it. As we have seen, pain is an emotion that is often unpleasant but that sometimes can be joyful, so pain is not sufficient for suffering. Neither is pain necessary for suffering, because a lot of suffering occurs in the absence of pain. Therefore, pain and suffering are different things. Emotions and suffering What about emotional pain? Somehow, it has become fashionable to talk about physical and emotional pain as if they were the same thing, perhaps because both of them engage the insula. However, negative emotions do not use the pain pathways that I described above, so we should avoid confusing them with pain. But, for simplicity, I am going to use “emotional pain” to refer to emotions with negative valence, that is, emotions we rather not have. These would include fear, sadness, disgust, shame and guilt. Anger, contempt and indignation present a peculiar problem because they feel good more often than not. One could be tempted to say that suffering is having negative emotions [18], pain being one of them. But, again, this idea does not withstand close scrutiny. Most movies, plays and novels move us to fear, sadness, anger, and other negative emotions. And, still, we love them and seek them out. Another issue is that, if we were to avoid emotional pain we would not become friends with people who may suffer, and we would not seek love. We value romantic love above many other things in life, knowing full well that by seeking it we will get our heartbroken. As Paul Simon sings in “I am a rock”: I have no need of friendship friendship causes pain Its laughter and its loving I disdain. I am a rock, I am an island! Don’t talk of love Where have I heard that word before? It’s sleeping in my memory I don’t disturb the slumber Of feelings that have died If I’d never loved, I never would have cried I am a rock, I am an island! If our goal is to avoid as much emotional pain as possible, this sort of attitude would be entirely rational. Yet, we know Paul Simon is saying all that sarcastically. Few people are as cynical about love and friendship as to avoid them. But perhaps we seek them because the final balance would bring us more happiness than suffering. Let’s do a thought experiment, then. Person A is passionate: he constantly falls in madly in love, but after a period of bliss he suffers a painful break-up. Then he starts over again. Person B marries a woman he is comfortable with but doesn’t feel particularly passionate about, and spends all his life with her. Which would you rather be? Perhaps the rational decision would be to be Person B, but many of us would choose to be Person A. A passionate, interesting life sounds more appealing than a dull, boring one. Clearly, when it comes to negative emotions we are in a similar situation as with pain: they often hurt, but not always. And we certainly do not live our lives trying to avoid them. Whether an emotion causes suffering does not depend on the emotion itself, but on what causes it. Sadness from a tear-jerking movie is great, sadness from losing a loved one is tragic. What causes suffering is not the emotion itself, but something deeper that has to do with what we value in life. Suffering is not an emotion, it cuts deeper than that. Suffering and happiness are states of being Living an interesting, passionate, meaningful life has little to do with physical or emotional pain. Emotions are temporary mental states, whereas these things are cognitive experiences that are related to cultural values and extend through long periods of time. Of course, I am not denying that if we had to live in constant pain (like chronic pain) or in a negative emotional state (like depression) this would make us suffer. These diseases can cause extreme suffering, to the point of inducing suicide. But there is much more to suffering than that. Here are some things that would make us suffer and have little to do with pain: a hostile social environment, psychological abuse, the suffering of others, loss of a loved one, lack of social status, lack of freedom, boredom, regrets, dread of the future, existential angst and lack of meaning. You may argue that most of these things entail emotional pain, but that emotional pain is an effect of an underlying cause, not the cause itself. These are things that we need to live a meaningful life because they are basic needs of human beings. They are not temporary emotions but long-term states of mind related to our values and our culture. These states of mind drive our behavior, affect our relationships, evoke our emotions and depend on our knowledge. That is why I think that suffering should be considered a state of being, something that pertains to the entirety of the human mind and not to particular emotions or sensations. 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A 50-year-old struggle about porn, BDSM, and prostitution that still rages on In support of feminism I am a feminist. However, I feel that I need to qualify this by saying that I support sex-positive feminism and I oppose radical feminism. Feminism is one of the most righteous and successful social movements in history. In its century and a half of existence it has gotten women the right to vote incorporated women into the workforce defended the rights of women in the workplace gave them access to all professions and political power, granted them the right to control their body, their sexuality, and reproduction defended them against violence and sexual abuse among other things. That women should enjoy equal rights to men is a no-brainer. It derives from the most basic principles of justice. It is also clear that men stand to benefit from that equality. We all stand to gain from the triumph of feminism. The fight for equality is not over. Much remains to be done, particularly in the developing world. Still, recognizing past successes gives us hope that complete equality is achievable and that we will get there sooner rather than later. The dark side of feminism All that needed to be said because this article is about the dark side of feminism. Nothing of what I will say here should be construed to deny that achieving equality is a worthy and important goal. However, like in any other human enterprise, mistakes are made. People, even with good intentions, hijack good social movements to further nasty goals. The 70s was an interesting decade, often forgotten in comparison with the enormous energy and the earth-shattering social changes of the 60s. A lot of those changes were deepened, cleaned, and consolidated in the 70s. However, the love and positivity of the 60s turned to anger and negativity in the 70s. That’s what happened to feminism. Some feminists decided that it was necessary to push back against the sexual liberation of the 60s. At that time, contraceptives had become publicly available, freeing women from the fear of getting pregnant. Now they could have sex for fun, just like men had been doing. These academic feminists cautioned that sexual liberation was an evil in disguise. It hid the fact that women were being exploited by men. This was especially clear in three evil things: pornography, sadomasochism, and prostitution. Because it initially targeted pornography, this form of feminism was labeled anti-pornography feminism. More recently, people who embrace this ideology have chosen the label of Radical Feminism. Never mind that they have often allied themselves with repressive forms of conservativism and religious intolerance. Although radical feminism does not always overlap with anti-porn feminism, that’s the label that I will use in this article. On the other side, we have Sex-Positive Feminism. A careful look at the history of feminism in the last 50 years reveals that it has been split between these two camps. Some may argue that this division was a phenomenon of second-wave feminism. I used to think so, but after reading articles and comments against pornography and sex work, I concluded that the Feminist Sex Wars still rage on today. They include wars on sexual intercourse, pornography, BDSM, sex work, and trans women. The war on sexual intercourse: ‘Penetration is rape’ The quote ‘penetration is rape’ is attributed to Andrea Dworkin, a famous radical feminist, in her book Intercourse. She later denied having written that. The problem is that she used such convoluted language that it can be interpreted either way. It hardly matters because some radical feminists continue to state to this day that penetration is rape. Others get all tied up in rhetorical knots about it. Where does this outrageous statement come from? Radical feminists see penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse as an act of domination of women by men. Alternatively, they claim that men see PIV as an act of domination. It doesn’t matter what men think, they don’t get a say in the matter. Radical feminists know better what is inside men’s heads. The rejection of intercourse started as a criticism of Freud’s idea that PIV was a sign of mature sexuality, while oral and anal sex denoted being stuck in some stage of childhood. Psychoanalysis is not grounded on empirical observations, so it has a lot of made-up ideas like that. Radical feminists latched on to this and took the opposite position. For them, the only politically correct pleasure for women was from the clitoris, either as masturbation or as oral sex. Men want PIV because it pleasures them, not the woman. Or perhaps because they want to relegate women to a reproductive function. Women who enjoyed fucking had to be reeducated in types of sexuality that do not serve to appease the male desire. The war on pornography Radical feminists condemn pornography, arguing that it only serves the pleasure of men and involves the exploitation of women. For them, the porn actress is an exploited woman, led to do this type of work by social circumstances that impoverish her. They argue that women’s sexuality is such that if they could really choose, women would never expose their bodies for the pleasure of men. Of course, men also appear in porn, but radical feminism doesn’t care about them. In the 70s, the main activity of radical feminism was to initiate campaigns to prohibit and punish pornography, in many cases allying itself with the most reactionary Right in pursuit of this objective. These arguments against pornography have been superseded today because the attitude of women about porn has gone through a profound change. While in the 70s women did not watch much porn, their consumption of it has been steadily increasing. Therefore, it is no longer true that porn is exclusively for the pleasure of men. Even more surprising was the tremendous increase in amateur porn done by women. Contrary to what is claimed by radical feminists, many women are exhibitionists who enjoy showing their bodies and being watched while doing sexual acts. In Felife.com, for example, you can find thousands of amateur nude pictures and sex videos posted by women. Recently, many young women sought to monetize their exhibitionism by posting their videos in places like OnlyFans. This has erased the boundary between exhibitionism and sex work. Therefore, porn does not necessarily exploit women. It can be seen as another way for women to express their sexuality. The war on BDSM For radical feminism, sadomasochism is the clearest demonstration that male sexuality is full of violence towards women. According to it, while most men repress their violent instincts, sadomasochists act openly on them. They degrade, mistreat and humiliate their ‘victims’ and, by extension, all women. Radical feminists overlook the fact that a considerable number of men are masochistic or submissive. Conversely, many women are sadistic or dominant. Men and women can also be switches, people that alternate between topping and bottoming roles. Radical feminism tried to explain the fact that many women enthusiastically engage in BDSM by saying that they have internalized the sexual violence of the male. Alternatively, women may be re-enacting the violence that they have suffered in the past. They explain male submission as a response of some men to feelings of guilt generated by their own sexual violence. All this reeks of paternalism and condescension. Radical feminists presume to know the minds of BDSM practitioners better than they do. These explanations are vigorously rejected by the large and well-organized BDSM community. Scientific research shows that BDSM is healthy and different from violence. One study showed that BDSM practitioners were as mentally healthy as the general population. A survey of 975 men and 1,046 women in the USA showed that more than 30% had engaged in spanking, 20% in bondage and 13% in whipping, and that 8% had attended BDSM parties. Every generation discovers BDSM through their own movie. It was Story of O in the 70s, Nine and a Half Weeks in the 80s, Secretary in the 2000s, and 50 Shades of Grey in the 2010s. With each one, the social acceptance of BDSM steadily increased. Sadomasochism has gone from being the obvious target of radical feminists to being a subject they prefer to avoid. The war on prostitution Largely defeated on the pornography and BDSM fronts (never mind intercourse), radical feminists focused on prostitution. They see the prostitute as an exploited woman who would never choose that job if she didn’t find herself in a situation of extreme poverty or even slavery. They have achieved big successes with their relentless identification of prostitution with sex trafficking. However, the standard narrative of sex trafficking is largely a myth created to support anti-prostitution laws. It tells us that women in poor countries are kidnapped by force, sold by their relatives, or deceived by a pimp, and then taken to a developed country to be prostituted. See the new Netflix series Sky Rojo for an example of this narrative. It erases the sex workers that do it voluntarily and who try to speak for themselves through their own organizations. The reality is far more complex and largely unknown. There are almost no studies on the percentage of prostitutes that are sex trafficked, probably because they are suppressed so that they do not reveal inconvenient truths. The only study I could find was by the United Nations Office On Drugs and Crime and showed that about 20% of the prostitutes in Europe could be considered victims of exploitation. But even that 20% are not the sex slaves that they are portrayed to be. The underlying reality is that of millions of women in poor countries who live in such unsafe and miserable conditions that they would do anything to migrate to Europe or the USA. Once here, some turn to prostitution to survive or to pay the debts incurred to enter illegally. So, yes, there is human trafficking, but instead of consisting of kidnapped women, is of people willing to spend all their resources and risk their lives to get here. And, yes, there is the exploitation of women, but it is not limited to sex. Immigrant women work in inhuman conditions in the garment industry, as maids, cleaners, etc. Sex work only looks different through the puritanical view that there is something sacred about sex. We should worry more about the worldwide system of economic injustice than about the titillating narrative of sex trafficking. In any case, the best way to avoid sexual exploitation is to decriminalize sex work. This would give these women the same protection as any other worker. It would also help to identify and protect those doing it involuntarily. The biggest success of radical feminism against prostitution is in the Nordic Model, so-called because it was initially adopted in Sweden, Norway, and Iceland. It was later taken by Canada, France, Ireland, and Israel. It consists of the criminalization of the clients and not the sex workers themselves. It is opposed by Amnesty International. The model is considered successful because it has led to a fall in prostitution in these countries, but in that regard, it may not be different from standard prohibition like the one in the USA. Sex workers argue that the model still prosecutes them and forces them to engage in high-risk activities. Similarly, the SESTA/FOSTA laws passed in 2018 in the USA substantially decreased the safety of sex workers by eliminating ways they could check their clients online. Today, prostitutes have organized in many countries to combat the paternalistic attitude of radical feminists. Many new forms of sex work have appeared in later years: escorts, sugar babies, professional dominatrices, and financial domination. It is no longer clear what is prostitution and what is not. The war on trans women: Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism (TERF) Behind all these anti-sex ideas, there is a background of contempt for male sexuality, even hatred of men. Male sexuality is considered inherently domineering and violent, and therefore hurtful to women. There is also a whiff of the conservative idea that men’s sexuality needs to be confined inside marriage. When transsexuality came to the foreground in the 2000s, a group of radical feminists declared that people transitioning from male to female were not women. They wanted to exclude them from women’s spaces and deny them the benefits of transgender rights legislation. Blogger Viv Smythe popularized the term Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism (TERF), which has gained widespread acceptance. In 2020, the Feminist Party of Spain, a radical feminist organization, was expelled from the coalition Unidas Podemos (now governing with the socialists) because of its TERF ideology. The push-back: the birth of sex-positive feminism Opposition to radical feminism began in the late 1970s and early 1980s on the West Coast of the United States. Feminist journalist Ellen Willis was one of the first to denounce it for its puritanism, authoritarianism, and threat to free expression. The controversy spread quickly. Nevertheless, radical feminism achieved an important victory in October 1980. The National Organization for Women (NOW) adopted their ideology by declaring that the ‘Big Four’ — pedophilia, pornography, sadomasochism, and sex in public — are acts of exploitation, violence, and invasion of privacy. However, sadomasochists had been organizing. The Eulenspiegel Society of New York appeared in 1971 and the Society of Janus of San Francisco in 1974. Samois was a lesbian BDSM group spun off the Society of Janus. It included the famous writer Patrick Califia (then Pat Califia). A group of radical feminists from San Francisco, “Women Against Violence in Pornography and Media”, attacked Samois and organized pickets against them. Samois’ lesbians were not cowered and began the first battles of the Sex Wars. During the 80s, new BDSM organizations appeared in all major American cities: Black Rose in Washington, DC, Threshold in Los Angeles, People Exchanging Power in Houston. It was a long struggle, which raged through the 80s and persists until today. Radical feminists enjoyed the backing of NOW and the support of feminists departments of many American universities. However, sex-positive feminists were more successful in communicating with the wider public. Their message was more in tune with the American spirit of liberty and free expression. Sex-positive feminists like Carol Queen, Susie Bright, Judith Levine and Patrick Califia wrote funny, popular books, full of sexy anecdotes, while the books of radical feminists were tiresome tirades in postmodern jargon. Stores like Good Vibrations popularized sex toys for women. Today, podcasts like the Savage Lovecast promote sex-positive culture throughout the world. Will the Sex Wars ever end? Most young people today have never heard of the Sex Wars and the struggle between radical feminism and sex-positive feminism. Both types of feminism share many goals (contraception, abortion rights, protection of women against violence, fair employment laws), but their differences on sex issues are so profound that we could well talk about two different feminisms. Many people support one while being adamantly opposed to the other. Although the sex-positive culture appeared inside feminism, by now it has become its own movement. It joins LGTB movements, BDSM organizations, and other forms of alternative sexuality. Many people inside these movements cannot coexist with radical feminists. Radical feminism is becoming increasingly unpopular, but it still advances its goals by disguising itself as regular feminism. Radical feminists are in positions of power: in the media, as professors of feminists studies in universities, as high-ranking officials in government. For example, in 2018, sex workers in Spain tried to unionize to defend their rights, forming the union OTRAS. The union was declared illegal by Magdalena Valerio, the Minister of Work of the interim socialist government. The Spanish socialists of the PSOE — currently in power — have adopted the ‘abolitionist’ ideology of radical feminism in favor of the prohibition of sex work. Feminists often sweep under the rug their differences with radical feminists, hindering progress in the sex-positive issues of the Sex Wars. To avoid confrontation, middle-of-the-road positions are forged. On pornography, they pretend that there are good kinds and bad kinds of pornography. On intercourse, they ignore the multiplicity of female orgasms and defend the supremacy of the clitoris. Sex workers are being thrown under the bus. Trans women are marginalized. Radical feminists are not softening their position. They are doubling down. For a while, their hatred of men was kept undercover, a vague subtext of their contempt for male sexuality. But now it is coming to the surface. People are not shying away from hate speech, like saying “men are trash” or even openly declaring that they hate men. Let’s hope that the Sex Wars do not turn into a War of the Sexes. Meanwhile, conservatives are laughing at the division among progressives and preparing Trump’s Second Coming. Feminism was never about women fighting against men and much less about hating men. It was about progressives, women and men, fighting against the patriarchy. The patriarchy is not men. It is “a social system in which men hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of property” (Wikipedia). Although that system primarily oppresses women, in the long run, it does not benefit men, either. When we start identifying the patriarchy with men, the core values of feminism are lost. In a war of half of humanity against the other half, there can be no winners.

There is a bumpy road ahead, but we will make it. We live in interesting times, as the proverbial Chinese curse says. We are so enthralled by what is happening every day that we fail to take the long view. And those who do, it’s often to predict the imminent end of humanity, if not the entire planet. What is lacking is a rational and sober look at where the planet is going. Predictions are difficult, especially when they are about the future, someone said. Nevertheless, I will take the risk and speculate about what will happen in the next few decades. Ukraine and Russia The Ukrainian War is the main historical event these days. The good news is that the Ukrainians seem to be winning, against all predictions. The bad news is that this threatens to trigger a nuclear war, which I consider the only true existential threat to the future of Humanity. I won’t dwell too much on what would happen in the event of nuclear war. We went over this scenario countless times during the Cold War. Destruction of all major cities in the Northern Hemisphere. Millions dying from radiation poisoning. Global starvation triggered by nuclear winter - the blocking of sunlight and heat produced by the huge mass of smoke and dust injected into the atmosphere. Civilization may survive in a few countries in the Southern Hemisphere: Chile, Argentina, Uruguay, Brazil, South Africa, Australia and New Zealand. But, eventually, nuclear winter and radiation poisoning will reach them, too. If the Russian refrain to use nukes, then it’s likely that Ukraine will win. It may reconquer all of its territory, or it may be forced to give some of it to Russia in a last-hour peace agreement. In any case, over the long run, this war would bring a new era of prosperity to Ukraine and long years of slow decline to Russia. Ukraine has discovered a new national identity and pride. They will continue the rush of creativity and innovation that they had to develop to defeat the Russian. Proud citizenship and democracy will be great instruments to finish root out corruption. They will promptly integrate into the European Union and become a huge asset for the EU. Russia will end the war with its army in shambles. But it is much worse than that. A young generation of men (and quite a few women) would have been either killed in battle or sent into exile. The latter will include the most creative and enterprising individuals. Coupled with its dismal natality rate, this would deprive Russia of the human resources it needs to grow. Science and technology will wither because of the huge brain drain. Besides, Russia will become an international pariah for generations to come. Ukraine will seal its borders with Russia with artillery, bunkers and mines to prevent another invasion. Other EU countries may follow suit. Europe will never again make the mistake of buying gas and oil from Russia, embracing quick de-carbonization instead. Commerce with the rest of the world will continue, but will consist mostly of selling then agricultural products, mineral ores and petroleum. That’s the hallmark of a Third World country. The best hope for Russia will be to mend fences with its neighbors. The ideal outcome would be to stop the sanctions and re-establish commerce in exchange for Russia completely eliminating its nuclear arsenal. Then it would make sense for the USA to get rid of most of its nukes as well, perhaps to achieve parity with China. Maybe Russia will eventually become a member of the EU, who knows? China I don’t think that China will replace the USA as the leader of the world. The good news for China is that it will likely become a prosperous country with a thriving middle class. That is, if it manages to stay the course set by Deng Xiaoping: putting the well-being of its citizens above any imperialistic or ideological dreams. The bad news is that an authoritarian regime does not have the resources for self-criticism and correcting the course. It is also vulnerable to corruption. Although the Chinese Red Army is more powerful than the Russian Federation Army. I think the leaders of the Chinese Communist Party are learning the lesson from the Ukrainian War: wars of aggression and conquest have no place in the 21st Century. They just don’t make sense economically. Neocolonialism and exploitation of poor countries can be done in other, much clever ways. The USA and the UK have been showing the way for a long, long time. And the Chinese have started to learn. Invading Taiwan just doesn’t make sense. It would result in the economic isolation of China, something that it cannot afford if it wants to prosper. There is another, deeper reason. The absorption of Hong-Kong taught the Chinese a lesson about not killing the hen that laid the golden eggs. Hong-Kong derived its value as a center of world finances but, once it was dragged into the Chinese system, it became just an overbuilt chain of small islands with an inconvenient, over-educated and restless population. Likewise, Taiwan is of more value to China as it is now: an industrialized country with a lot of creativity and innovation, who may become a great commercial partner. The future of China lies in building good commercial relationships with its neighbors and old enemies: South Korea, Japan and Taiwan. Just like the key to the prosperity of Europe was establishing strong alliances between former historical enemies. The other reason China will not become the “world power” is its natality rate. And that’s a good thing. Limiting population growth was a wise decision - although it was done the wrong way with the one-child policy. The way things are now, China has got a population that is stable and small enough to feed and make prosperous. But not young and large enough to sustain a conquering army. Europe I believe in Europe. But I may be biased - I have an EU passport. I predict a future for Europe similar to that of China. It will never be a “world power” but it will be one of the best places in the world to live, with a stable population, nice income distribution, a widespread middle class and almost no poverty. The EU will continue to integrate and develop a common identity. The rise of the Far Right is a bump in the road. It is driven mainly by the threat to national identity and European culture triggered by immigration, mostly the one from Islamic countries. It is also a reaction to the irrationality of Postmodernist Left and its contempt for European culture. I think things will eventually stabilize in a European identity that will be secular, egalitarian, scientific, and based on the values of the Enlightenment. The United Kingdom has a tough choice to make. It will either reverse the Brexit and reintegrate into the EU, or be left behind the new era of European prosperity. It may lose Scotland - which will become a new country of the EU - and Northern Ireland - which may finally unify with the Irish Republic or become its own country inside the EU. It won’t make much difference, in the long run. The United States The good news is that the Ukrainian War and the Biden Presidency have restored the USA to its place as the word military superpower. The bad news is that the Trump Presidency and the refusal of a large part of the Republican Party to accept Biden’s victory in the last election have completely undermined the political foundations of the USA. The next two elections - the mid-terms next month and the 2024 presidential election - will determine if the USA will continue to be a prosperous, powerful and democratic country or devolve into a corrupt dictatorship. The latter would represent a global threat because the USA will eventually be tempted to use its unmatched military power to resolve its internal problems and prey on the rest of the world. Much like Russia is doing right now. On the other hands, reasonably good outcomes for the Democrats in the elections will provide the chance to repair the electoral system, deal with the authoritarian Supreme Court, and force the Republicans to clean their house of undesirable politicians. In the long run, I think that the USA will need to fix its key structural problems that keep it from functioning effectively: the unelected Supreme Court, the Electoral College, the undemocratic Senate in a paralyzing war with Congress, and the excessive power of the President. The alternative would be giving more power to the States, a move that may be good socially and economically, but will undermine the military and diplomatic power of the USA. The rest of the world Developed countries like Japan, South Korea, Canada, Australia and New Zealand will continue on a trajectory similar to Europe. Negative population growth will dampen economic expansion but will increase equality and create a prosperous middle class. The balance between capitalism and socialism will swing to the latter, as the focus changes from producing goods to providing services. South and Central America will continue to democratize and prosper. It will establish strong economical bonds with Europe due to the languages these countries share with Portugal and Spain. These countries will increasingly adopt the European political model and establish their own political unions. The Islamic world faces an uncertain future due to its population growth and religious politics. De-carbonization will deprive countries like Saudi Arabia of their main source of income, and alternatives have not been developed. Eventually, countries like Iran, Algeria, Morocco and Egypt will secularize. The loss of power by the clerical elites may lead to a swing to widespread rejection of Islam, similar to the rejection of Catholicism in Spain after the Franco dictatorship. India is in a similar situation. It has the largest population in the world, and it keeps growing. It will be heavily affected by climate change, which spells disasters. The theocratic government of Modi shows the country is moving in the wrong direction to solve its impending problems. Africa is slowly doing better, but its future is the most uncertain. Perhaps the path for these nations is completely different from the one followed by the industrialized world. I don't know enough about African politics to venture any predictions. Climate crisis The good news is that the developed world is de-carbonizing at a fast pace and developing alternative energy resources. The Ukraine War has accelerated and incentivized this process by showing the many dangers of relying on fossil fuels. The bad news is that it’s too late. A huge amount of CO2 has already been injected into the atmosphere. We are probably going to surpass the 1.5 C and likely the 2 C global temperature increases. Therefore, we are going to need new technologies in order to not just stop injecting greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, but to deal with the impeding climate catastrophes. Apart from large tragedies, mainly amongst the world poorest, we face the extinction of many species and irreversible damage to the world's rain forest, coral reefs and other valuable ecosystems. However, there are reasons for optimism. The way forward is more science and technology, not less. Trying to retreat into a Luddite utopia will only make things worse. We need to fix the damage that we have done already. Nuclear fusion may be just around the corner. A new source of cheap, abundant energy will not just provide an alternative to fossil fuels, it would enable new technologies to put away all that pesky excess CO2 in the atmosphere. Even without fusion energy, developing new technologies for renewable energy may lead us to the energy surplus that we need to bring the biosphere to a new balance. There may not be just one solution, but a combination a multiple technologies and policies that will get us out of hot water. The road ahead is going to be a bumpy one. There will be much suffering, and it will be concentrated on the poor and powerless. But we will make it. There will be reversals, but we will continue to progress to a world that is less violent, more just, more egalitarian and more prosperous than ever. Copyright 2022 Hermes Solenzol.

Masochism activates areas of the cortex involved in empathy, emotions and self-awareness You don’t come across scientific papers about the neuroscience of masochism very often. In fact, BDSM is still a taboo subject in science. Researchers only work on issues for which they can get funding. In the USA, Congress has been reluctant to give money to government agencies like the National Institutes of Health (NIH) to do research on sex, much less on “perversions” like BDSM. That’s why I got so excited when I found this study, done in Germany by scientists from Heidelberg University: Contextual modulation of pain in masochists: involvement of the parietal operculum and insula. S. Kamping, J. Andoh, I. C. Bomba, M. Diers, E. Diesch and H. Flor. Pain 2016, Vol. 157 Issue 2, Pages 445-45. PDF. They used functional magnetic resonance (fMRI), a powerful brain imaging technique, to compare the brains of masochists and non-masochists. A clever experimental design combining fMRI with masochistic images and pain let them reach some interesting conclusions. Questions about masochism Here are some questions answered by this study: Are masochist less sensitive to pain? Does a masochist’s brain respond to BDSM pain (for example, a spanking?) and other forms of pain the same way? Are there brain areas specifically activated by masochism? Is masochism addictive? Experimental design There were 32 participants in the study: 16 masochists and 16 non-masochists (controls). The masochists were 8 men and 8 women, while the controls were 4 men and 12 women. The masochists were recruited through the internet and in local BDSM meetings. They were further screened using a questionnaire about masochistic activities: they had to consider themselves masochists, prefer the submissive (bottom) role, and more than 50% of their sexual activity had to involve pain. Excluded from the study were people with mental disorders or chronic pain, and those for whom masochist behavior caused “clinically significant distress” or impaired their social functioning. These exclusion criteria are reasonable, but they may have biased some of the conclusions of the study. For example, I found that masochists with chronic pain successfully use sadomasochism to control the pain caused by their disease - see my survey of 136 masochists. These people seem to be less sensitive to pain than non-masochists, contrary to one of the findings of the study. The painful stimulus was a laser light applied to the dorsal part of the hand. This produced an intense “pinprick-like” pain of short duration. Participants rated the subjective intensity of the pain using a scale of 0 (no pain) through 10 (“worst pain imaginable”). Laser intensities that gave pain ratings of 3 to 4 were used in the rest of the study. Another component of the study was masochistic pictures, which were used to evoke erotic feelings in the participants (masochists and controls). Apparently, the scientists didn’t trust themselves to choose the most exciting BDSM pictures, so they recruited 18 additional masochists to pick the 10 best ones. Additionally, three other sets of 10 pictures were used, evoking neutral, positive and negative emotions, respectively. Pictures were selected for their arousal and valence. In this context, arousal means how much an image captures our attention. Valence refers to whether the picture evokes in us attractiveness (we like it) or averseness (we dislike it). Joy and sexual arousal are emotions with positive valence, whereas fear, sadness, disgust and anger have negative valence. In this study, it was expected that a masochistic picture like a flogging would have positive valence for masochists and negative valence for controls. It would be interesting to know how this is reflected in the activation of different brain areas. The main part of the study consisted of using functional magnetic resonance (fMRI) to image the brain of the subjects while they were viewing the pictures through goggles and received the painful laser stimulation on the hand. fMRI is based on the fact that when neurons in a brain area are more active, there is more blood flow to that area. Powerful magnetic fields and radiofrequency pulses are used to locate molecules of hemoglobin carrying oxygen in the blood. This way, areas of the brain with increased and decreased blood flow can be identified while the brain does things like feeling pain or getting sexually aroused. Increases and decreases in the blood flow tell us which areas of the brain are more and less active, respectively. Unlike positron emission tomography (PET) and other brain imaging techniques, fMRI does not require injecting substances to the participants. However, the subjects have to be held immobile inside a huge apparatus that produces the magnetic fields. The fMRI results are shown in tridimensional images of the brain in which brain activity is color-coded: yellow, orange and red show increasing activity, whereas cyan and blue show decreasing brain activity. Grays mean no changes. A primer about brain areas To understand the fMRI images, we need to know a bit about the brain areas involved in pain and emotion. So please bear with me while I run you through the brain anatomy that is important for the results of this study. Cortex means ‘crust’ and is the outer layer of the brain. It is overdeveloped in humans, giving us our extraordinary thinking capacities. During the evolution of apes and hominids, it grew so much that the only way it could get wrapped inside the skull was by developing numerous wrinkles, called gyri. Each gyrus is separated from the next one by a groove called a sulcus. Apart from them, there are three deep crevices in the cortex, called fissures. The deepest one runs from front to back and divides the brain into the right and left hemispheres. Inside this fissure there are two portions of cortex facing each other. Its deepest part, forming an arch around the center of the brain, is the cingulate cortex. The front part of the cingulate cortex is the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which is in charge of making decisions (Engstrom et al., 2014). As we will see, it’s important in pain and masochism. A second fissure is the central sulcus, which cuts around the sides of the cortex and divides it into frontal and posterior cortex. Roughly speaking, anything forward of the central sulcus has to do with action and anything backwards it has to do with sensation. Thus, the vertical gyrus just forward from the central sulcus - the anterior central gyrus - is the primary motor cortex, which contains a map of all the muscles in the body and executes the last step in processing movement. The vertical gyrus just back from the central sulcus - the posterior central gyrus - is the somatosensory cortex, which contains a map of the whole surface of our skin and is where all tactile and pain sensations terminate. The somatosensory cortex is where we feel where pain is located in the body. The third fissure is the lateral sulcus, which runs front to back on the side of the brain. The cortex continues inside this fissure and expands inside each hemisphere, forming an island of cortex, which is why it is called the insula - which is Latin for island (Gogolla, 2017). The area of cortex around and inside the lateral sulcus is called the operculum. As we will see, it plays an important role in masochism. The insula is a fascinating brain area because it is where a bunch of our emotions come together. It is responsible for the salience of our sensations: how much a sensation matter to us. For example, pain, itch and sexual pleasure are sensations with high salience. In humans, the anterior part of the insula is much bigger than in other mammals, even the apes. During human evolution, the function of the anterior insula became different between the brain hemispheres (Craig, 2011). While the posterior insula tells us how we feel at each moment, the right anterior insula is able to imagine how we would feel under certain circumstances (Craig, 2009). It is able to create hypothetical feelings. Hence, it is crucial for empathy - imagining how another person feels - and theory of mind - representing the mental state of another person. The unpleasantness of pain is processed by the insula, whereas the location of pain is determined by the somatosensory cortex. The drive to do something about the pain comes from the ACC. Pain sensations from the body travel up the spinal cord and enter the brain, making relays in an area of the brain stem called the parabrachial nucleus, which connects with the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for fear and anxiety. The pain pathways continue to the thalamus, which is an area in the center of the brain that serves as a relay for all our sensations, except smell. In the thalamus, pain neurons make synapses with neurons going to three areas of the cortex: the somatosensory cortex (where is the pain?), the insula (how bad is the pain?), and the ACC (what am I going to do about the pain?). I tried to condense that as much as possible, but we need this information to make sense of the findings of this study on masochism. Hey, who said that neuroscience was easy? Some interesting findings about the masochists The masochists showed interest in masochism when they were 17 years old, on average. The earliest was at just 7 years of age and the latest was at 36. Their first masochist activity was when they were 25, on average, with the earliest again happening at 7 and the latest at 47. This shows that masochistic desires can appear during childhood, even before full-blown sexual desire develops during puberty. A lot of people become masochists when they are teenagers. However, some come to it later in life, perhaps because they are introduced to BDSM by their lovers. Responses to masochist pictures Masochistic pictures produced similar levels of arousal (excitement) in masochists (4.3 ± 1.4) and controls (4.2 ± 1.8), on a scale from 1 to 9. However, they had positive valence (attraction) in masochists (6.2 ± 0.9) and negative valence (rejection) in the controls (3.4 ± 1.2), again on a scale from 1 to 9. Masochists also liked more the images that were more arousing, as shown by a high correlation between the arousal and the valence of the images. All the other images (neutral, positive and negative) were rated similarly for arousal and valence by the masochists and the controls. This confirms the assumption of the investigators that masochists like to watch things like floggings or canings, while other people dislike these images. Still, these images are equally impactful to everybody. Masochists dislike pain outside an erotic context When pain was applied without showing any pictures, masochists and controls rated the pain similarly for its intensity and unpleasantness. Without pictures, fMRI showed similar activation of the brain by the pain stimulus in masochists and controls. In both groups, pain activated the brain areas involved in pain: thalamus, primary somatosensory cortex, insula, operculum and ACC. These areas were activated to the same degree in masochists and controls. This refutes the popular belief that masochists like any kind of pain, in any circumstances. Masochists only like pain when delivered in an erotic setting. Brain areas activated by masochistic images In this part of the study, the participants were shown masochistic images without the pain stimulus to see what brain areas were activated. The masochists showed a higher activation of the right ACC and the right anterior insula in response to these images. I find this fascinating. It shows that what the masochists are doing is imagining the feelings of the submissive partner in the picture using their right anterior insula. The activation of the ACC perhaps represents their desire to be in that situation. Masochistic images decrease pain in masochists In this experiment, participants received the laser pain stimulus while viewing the masochistic images. They were asked to rate the intensity and unpleasantness of the pain. Masochists reported less pain intensity (2.2 ± 1.5) than the controls (3.5 ± 2). They also reported the pain as being less unpleasant (1.6 ± 1.2) than the controls (3.2 ± 2.3). These decreases in pain intensity and unpleasantness were as strong as the effect of opioids like morphine. Therefore, when they are able to eroticize pain, masochists feel pain as being less intense. This indicates that they activate the pain inhibitory pathways that connect the brain stem with the spinal cord, probably the ones that use endorphins. The decrease of pain unpleasantness probably has a different mechanism. This was explored using fMRI in the next experiment. Brain responses to combinations of masochistic images and pain Doing fMRI while viewing of masochists images and enduring pain stimulation showed differences between masochists and controls in the activated brain areas. Masochists showed a higher activation of the operculum - the part of the cortex next to the insula -, the superior frontal gyrus and the middle frontal gyrus, two areas of the frontal cortex. The superior frontal gyrus is involved in self-awareness. In masochists, there was also less functional connectivity between the operculum and the insula, motor cortex, right thalamus and right ACC. This did not happen in the controls. Since the motor cortex and the ACC are involved in the planning of actions, this could mean that masochists do not feel a need to respond to pain. Negative signals from the operculum to the insula may represent the decreased unpleasantness of pain in the masochists. One surprising negative finding was that fMRI showed that in the masochists there was no activation of the reward pathway of the ventral striatum. This pathway connects the ventral tegmental area (VTA) with the nucleus accumbens, where it releases dopamine. It has been wrongly considered the pleasure pathway, because animals and humans compulsively stimulate it when implanted with electrodes in it. It is also the part of the brain where drugs like opioids and cocaine produce addiction. Today, we know that this pathway does not produce pleasure, but motivation and responses to rewards (Salamone and Correa, 2012). In any case, the fact that this reward pathway is not activated by masochism shows that it is not addictive. Conclusions The take-home message is that masochism is an erotic activity that depends on the fetishization of certain relationships, situations, objects and actions. In this BDSM setting, the responses of masochists to pain are dramatically changed, so that they feel less pain and find it less unpleasant (and likely pleasant). This validates the experiences of masochists when they talk about a BDSM “scene” and “sub space” - an altered state of consciousness brought about by experiencing pain in this setting. The masochistic experience is not similar to the effect of opioids and other drugs, and does not produce addiction, because it does not activate the dopamine pathway of the striatum (VTA to nucleus accumbens) that mediates the effects of addictive drugs. Instead, it involves the activation of cortical areas of the brain that mediate emotions, empathy, feelings and self-awareness. Therefore, masochism is a complex cognitive and emotional experience anchored in a certain culture and values, and which drives intimate and profound relationships.

Where does the ego come from? Why is it bad? Is it possible to get rid of it? Asking my Zen teacher We all sat on our zafus facing the center of the dojo - the meditation room. This was the opposite of what we normally did when we practiced zazen - Zen meditation - which we did facing the walls. At one side of the dojo, there was an altar with a statue of the Buddha, flowers and incense sticks. At the other end, sat Dokusho, our Zen teacher, wearing his brown kesa. This was mondo: a formal question-and-answer period with the Zen teacher. I joined my hands in gasho - the formal salute -, bowed and got up from my zafu. I walked to the center of the dojo to face Dokusho. I bowed to him and kneeled to ask my question. “How can I get rid of my ego?” “You don’t want to get rid of your ego. You need a strong ego to practice Zen. Otherwise, your determination will weaken and you’ll stop practicing.” I was surprised by his answer. This is what is supposed to happen during mondo. The answers of the teacher are meant to shake your assumptions, to force you to look at things from a different point of view. But I also felt relieved. I didn’t have to understand what the ego was, something that I could not fathom. I didn’t have to live in self-doubt, constantly questioning if I had too much ego. I just need to be strong and determined, and keep practicing Zen. That happened many years ago, sometime in the 80s, in Madrid. Ever since, I had often wondered if Dokusho was right in his answer. As it often happens in Zen, he was both right and wrong. Shame, pride and other social emotions Eventually, I stopped practiced Zen and left Buddhism. I had learned a lot, but I could no longer agree with some of its basic teachings. But that is a story for another day. But I never abandoned my quest for self-understanding, for transcending my limitations. I just turned away from lofty goals like achieving Nirvana to more mundane endeavors. I wanted to stop suffering, help others, understand myself, and reconcile myself with death. One of the things I realized was how sensitive I was to shame. I had shame attacks. The smallest social gaffe would trigger a paralyzing and painful feeling of shame. My mind would go over and over what had happened in an endless loop. I also had a small voice in my mind that would say, always in Spanish: “How stupid!” It left me with the feeling that what was stupid was me. The fact that the voice only spoke Spanish, when most of my internal dialogue happens in English, told me that it was something from my childhood. I put these experiences together with a conversation I overheard at a meeting of the Mind and Life Institute, and perhaps with some things I’ve read, to create a theory about the origin of the Ego. It goes like this… Shame and pride are two opposite emotions that evolved in humans to control our social interactions to maximize cooperation. I am convinced that we carry shame in our genes, given the fact that it triggers physiological responses like blushing and universal behaviors like hunching, freezing and withdrawal. Pride also triggers behaviors like standing tall and strutting. Shame punishes us, not only when we do something wrong, but also when we fail to perform our duties or fail when trying to do something. Conversely, pride is a reward for our success. I also think that our brains are programed so that shame and pride are triggered by other people, especially those in our close social environment. We may try to get rid of our shame and boost our pride, but we are largely unable to do that because these emotions arise automatically. This makes sense from the evolutionary point of view. If these emotions evolved to increase social cooperation, they should be controlled by others. If we could control them from inside our minds, they would lose their power to enforce social behavior. There is a host of other social emotions that work together with shame and pride to control social interactions: Guilt happens when we harm somebody or our community. It is different from shame in that it does not produce blushing. It is triggered by wrongdoings, not by failures. Indignation leads to blaming, which triggers guilt in the person who is blamed. Contempt, likewise, triggers shame in the person it targets. It leads to shunning and social isolation. Ridicule is another trigger of shame. When somebody acts proud undeservingly, that person is ridiculed to “bring them down a peg or two”. Humor accompanies ridicule. When people laugh at you, that makes you feel ashamed. Humor serves to bond together a group that is pouring contempt on somebody. However, humor also offers an exit from shame when the person being shamed accepts his decrease in social status by laughing with the group. How shame and pride build the ego We are subject to the pull and push of pride and shame since the day we are born. Power struggles with our parents, toilet training, squabbles in kindergarten… they all teach us that to be loved we need to succeed and not disappoint. Soon, we start to internalize these drives. We start to feel proud of ourselves and ashamed of ourselves. That is how the ego is created, as a core for the emotional memories and habits of feeling proud and shameful. Emotional memory is a type of memory that makes us feel a particular emotion upon receiving a particular stimulus. Often, a stimulus would trigger an emotional memory, but we don’t understand why because we have forgotten the event that created the emotional memory. Emotional memories are very persistent and difficult to control. Emotional habits are those that we create by reacting with the same emotion over and over again. If you let yourself feel angry at the least provocation, you will eventually become an angry person. But if, instead, you choose to be patient, patience will become easier over time. Likewise, shame and pride carve pathways in our brain, so that more and more events are interpreted through those emotions. We are not our ego. Our ego does not belong to us. We belong to our ego. It’s hard to escape from a black hole I had a vision of my ego as a black hole. It was huge, with gravity so strong that it captured everything that came into my consciousness. Every sight, every sound, every taste, every smell, every feeling, every idea, was interpreted based on its value for the ego. It twisted and warped everything that came into my mind. Like a black hole, not even light can escape it. From its early beginnings in childhood, the ego grows and grows throughout our life. It’s the base of our values, because passing judgement is what the ego does best. It convinces us that we cannot live without it. When it feels threatened, it warns us that we are in danger, that nobody will love us, that we will do things that make us ashamed, that we will stop doing things that we need to live and prosper. Dokusho was right in that we need a strong ego to succeed in life. If we have a career, like I did, we need a strong ego to motivate us and give us the energy to put the hard work to succeed. Every time we slack off, the ego brings out its whip of self-shame to make us try harder. It feeds from our work environment, sucking in every praise, every diploma, every raise in salary… But also all of our defeats: the job we lost, the lover who broke up with us, the competition we didn’t win, the paper that was rejected… Both pride and shame feed the ego equally. It uses these emotions to build an image of who we are, and it shows it to us to prod us forward. Why is the ego bad? The problem is that often the ego takes over our lives. It grows and grows until it becomes so big that occupies the entire space of our consciousness. Because the nature of the ego is craving - of success and praise - and fear - of failure and disapproval - the ego makes us constantly unhappy. Its victim is that innocent child that wanted to play and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. The teenager that looked at the world in wonder and wanted to know for the simple pleasure of knowing. The young adult that wanted to love and be loved. Successful people are deeply unhappy because success has built an ego so strong that they are forever their slaves and cannot break free from it. They paid a heavy price for their success: an insatiable ego that has taken over everything in their lives, leaving no room to breathe. The ego causes us to live false lives because it sets goals in function of what others and society expect from us, instead of what we really want. It creates mirages and imbues them with craving, so that we chase after them. It takes over our perceptions: the moment something comes into our consciousness it is judged in term of the cravings of the ego. That way, we start chasing fame, money and status symbols that we don’t really need. We see our lives through the distorted optics of winning and losing prestige. Yet another problem is that we start believing that we are our ego. It takes so much space in our mind that we see nothing else. Then, anything that threatens the ego becomes an existential thread to our entire being. We cannot let go of the ego because we feel that then we would die. But the ego is just a bunch of emotional habits that create an image of who we are. In reality, we are the entirety of our mind, both the conscious and the unconscious. We are much larger and powerful than our ego. The trap of the ego The problem with many spiritual practices and philosophies that are supposed to free us from suffering is that they can’t help but falling into the black hole of the ego. The ego pats us in the back after every meditation, every yoga session, every church service, every political demonstration, and tells us that we should feel proud of ourselves, because we are so spiritual, so illuminated, so saintly, so politically engaged… Some philosophies, like Stoicism, even provide intellectual support for the ego by giving us a false model of our mind in which there is one part of it that controls another part. The superego and the id. Rationality and instincts. The conscious and the unconscious. The ego welcomes these ideas because, of course, it sees itself as the part of the mind that is in control. Meditation practice can bolster the ego when it becomes the part of the mind that forces it to pay attention to something, like the breath, or the chakras, or whatever. That’s why I prefer meditation practices that open the mind to everything that happens, instead of trying to focus it. Another problem is when consciousness is worshipped and made the center of everything, because then the ego disguises itself by calling itself consciousness. Instead, meditation should open us to our unconscious, breaking the barriers between the conscious and the unconscious by letting sensations, feeling and ideas flow freely. The trap of the ego makes it very difficult to do transformative work or follow a spiritual path. Any such work needs to challenge the ego and the distorted view of our lives that it creates. But, instead, the ego protects itself by distracting us from that work with false objectives like how many hours of meditation we are doing or how much money we are donating. Following a teacher, guru, religion or sect traps us into the game of the ego by making us dependent on the approval of these people, instead of giving us inner freedom. Jiddu Krishnamurti warned us about that. The wounded ego Unsuccessful people also have egos. But theirs, instead of accumulating successes, accumulate failures. They suffer from low self-esteem because of a lifetime of failures that fill them with shame. That creates a state of mind of continuous freezing, incapable of genuine happiness. That frozen state also deprives them of the creativity that they would need to achieve any future success. It doesn’t matter if you are actually successful or not. What matters is how you see yourself. These people often try to numb themselves with alcohol, drugs, gaming or some other kind of addiction. The ego-driven craving sets the stage for that. Wounded egos are very sensitive to shaming. They quickly take offense at anything that remotely appears like a put-down. The mere presence of successful people reminds them of their failures, and this manifest as envy and schadenfreude. People tend to avoid them and that hurts them, too, because shunning is a form of contempt. They crave praise and suck it up like sponges. They constantly demand recognition for the things they do. The dilemma of the ego We face a tragic dilemma. We either build a strong ego that leads us to success in life - but that at the same time makes us unhappy - or we become ego-less happy fools that would never succeed. In ancient Greece, some philosophers saw this dilemma and chose the latter. They called themselves the Cynics: the ones that lived like dogs. They lived like animals, enjoying the present and the simple pleasures of life, avoiding worries, money, fame and anything that could become a trap of the ego. They made a point of being shameless. However, most people would rather have a strong ego than live like a dog. The Way of the Warrior I have a glimpse of a way out of this dilemma. It’s called the “Way of the Warrior.” I think it’s a horrible name, because it speaks of war and “warrior” sounds like something the ego would love. However, it consists of learning to do things in ways that do not feed the ego. I first encountered the Way of the Warrior while reading books by Carlos Castaneda during my youth. Castaneda presented a doctoral thesis at UCLA on anthropology in which he related his experiences with don Juan Matus, a Yaqui sorcerer of northern Mexico. He published it as the book The Teachings of Don Juan, that was an international success and was followed by a series of books on the same subject. Don Juan gave Carlos Castaneda a variety of psychodelics like peyote, psilocybin mushrooms and Datura. Besides this use of psychedelics, don Juan taught Castaneda a way of life called the Way of the Warrior, which consisted of losing self-importance, erasing our personal history, taking responsibility for our actions, and using death as an advisor. The first two things seem related to erasing the ego. When I finished reading the whole series of Castaneda books, I became convinced that they are works of fiction, which is the present consensus among the experts. However, the Way of the Warrior made a strong impression on me and became part of my personal philosophy. I encountered the Way of the Warrior again in a book that was highly recommended by my rock-climbing buddies: The Rock Warrior’s Way, by Arlo Ilgner. He incorporates the philosophy of Carlos Castaneda, Stoicism and Zen Buddhism into a mental training for climbers that enhances focus, performance and enjoyment. Specifically, he analyzes how the ego decreases the climber’s performance by taking away performing the moves in an “impeccable manner”: with complete focus and commitment. I incorporated his advice into my climbing and felt a great improvement. The best thing is that it helped me to avoid “phantom fear”, a crippling anxiety that filled me the day before I was going to do a challenging route. Even better, while I was reading the book I felt that this advice could be applied, not just to rock-climbing, but to most aspect of my life, writing in particular. Mushotoku: focusing on the doing instead of the praise Circling back to Zen, the Way of the Warrior reminds me of the Zen teaching of mushotoku: “Mushotoku is the attitude of non-profit, of not wanting to gain anything for yourself.” Taisen Deshimaru. Taisen Deshimaru was the teacher of Dokusho, who traveled from Spain to Paris to study with him. Mushotoku addresses the craving that is inherent of the ego by focusing on the action itself and not on its goals. This includes the self-praise we derive, because there cannot be any gain for the self. Doing things with mushotoku requires a high level of mindfulness and meta-attention: paying attention to how we pay attention. For me, doing this is tricky. A part of the mind is trying to control other parts of the mind. This is difficult to do without causing internal divisions and struggle. In particular, it’s easy to become self-judgmental, which takes us back to the game of praise and shame that the ego plays. Self-compassion Self-compassion is not the same as self-pity. Self-pity comes from a wounded ego, which thinks that is not treated as it deserves. It is based on self-importance and not taking responsibility for our actions. It’s demanding from others the care we are not willing to give to ourselves. Self-compassion, instead, is a commitment to taking care of ourselves by being aware of our needs and limitations. In its quest for success and praise, the ego often compromises our well-being. The ego trap in which we fall while pursuing lofty professional, spiritual or political goals makes a virtue of self-denial , until we find ourselves living a life devoid of playfulness, joy and rest. Self-compassion requires a special kind of mindfulness that lets us listen to our bodies and our unconscious, which tells us what we need. It knows that we are fragile and mortal, that strength and health are not to be taken for granted, that our time in this world is limited and has to be used wisely. It limits the ego by advocating for our entire self in front of it. It laughs at our failures with good humor and uses our natural curiosity to learn from them. Instead of the mirages of grandeur of the ego and of dejection of the wounded ego, self-compassion relies on the truths of our natural limitations and the randomness of the world. Self-compassion evolves naturally into compassion for others when we realize that everybody is as fragile, limited and subject to the randomness of life as we are. Bad luck strikes everybody, and it is cruel to make people pay for it. Importantly, when we are used to battling our ego, we see how people around us are slaves of their own egos. When they become confrontational and angry, they are just defending their egos. The same way as we do. Conclusion It may be impossible to live completely ego-less. But we could decrease the ego to a manageable size, so that it doesn’t fill consciousness so completely and cloud our mind. I may become more aware of how it hurts me, which would be a beginning to decrease my suffering. Slowly, I could free more space in my mind for joy, curiosity, playfulness and wonder. Musings About the Ego was first published in Sex, Science & Spirit.

In BDSM, sub space is a coveted altered state of consciousness achieved through pain or submission Lots of people have been asking me this question. I have been reluctant to answer for a variety of reasons. Sub space is not just one state, but several. People vary a lot in their ability to get to sub space and in the type of sub space they will achieve. Although I have lots of ideas about the neurophysiological mechanisms that produce sub space, all of this is still very speculative. Therefore, I can give you some pointers on how to get to sub space, but it is ultimately up to each top and bottom to find out what works for them. I should emphasize that the single most important factor in determining the outcome of a scene is the ability of the top to communicate and read the responses of the bottom, and to adjust his actions accordingly. To just apply a one-size-fits-all standardized recipe would not produce good results and may even lead to disaster. Anyway, let me give it a shot. Scene preparation A lot of what happens in a scene depends on the state of mind of the bottom before the scene, so it helps to start preparing it several days in advance. This can be a natural extension of the negotiation process. It may consist of more or less explicit threats, probing questions, fantasy build up and even some preparation exercises. Restraining from masturbation and sexual activity 24 hours before a scene can help build up sexual tension. Starting Previous care could be a good way to prevent sub drop. It’s a bit like aftercare, but it takes place just before a scene. The top should remind the bottom of the safeword, give assurances that it will respected, and say encouraging words to help build empathy. Top and bottom should start by completely focusing on each other and excluding any external distraction. Blindfolding the bottom can do marvels to make her focus on her sensations. The top should talk in a voice that is clear, slow, sensual, secure and deep to achieve a mild hypnotic effect. Next comes undressing the bottom, which should make her aware of every part of the body that is being exposed and how vulnerable that makes her. Add some bondage and let the bottom consider for a few minutes her predicament in silence. Pain Although not strictly required, pain is the surest and shortest path to sub space. It should be sensual and never outpace the ability of the bottom to process it. Sensual pain is directed towards erogenous zones (the buttocks in a spanking, the labia or the nipples using clamps, etc.) and stimulates the skin, producing a warm sensation. Combining pain with caresses works very well. A basic mechanism in our spinal cord called the “pain gate” causes touch to eliminate pain. For example, if you hit a bottom with a cane and then immediately caress the injured skin, it will be felt as if the hand is erasing the pain. Both the pain and the caressing will help to drive the attention to sensations and lead towards subspace. If you don’t want to use pain, continuous stroking all over the naked body will produce a mental altered state. There is no need for sexual stimulation at this point, we can save that for later. However, stimulating the nipples releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, so doing it will help the bottom empathize with the top and encourage the serotonin/dopamine type of sub space. Drawing towards the adrenaline peak Once the bottom has been warmed up, more intense pain can be applied in a continuous way to produce a peak experience. I would aim for an adrenaline sub space by instructing the bottom to struggle, scream and complain as much as he wants. Lots of activity encourages the fight/flight reaction, adrenaline release, and the ensuing increases in heart rate and breathing. If using impact play, the cadence of the strokes should be regular, continuous and relentless. It should convey the psychological message that the top is not going to let up, that this can go on forever. The top could even say that aloud and try to evoke fear with threats. At some point, however, the bottom will give up the struggle. She may stop thrashing and screaming, and hang limp for her restraints. There may even be weeping and sobbing (check that she is OK!). All this tells us that she is ready for the next step. The endorphin high The body has a tendency to transition from an adrenaline high to an endorphin high with the right kind of stimulation. For that to happen, the painful stimulation needs to continue. Everything needs to slow down a bit, however. One thing that can work is to alternate caresses with a few hard blows. The top should use a sensual voice to whisper encouraging words into the ears of the bottom. To help build some real submission, tell her how happy it makes you that he is taking all that pain for you. Turn off the fear, though. That doesn’t belong in this state. Tell her that she is going to be OK, then hit her hard a few times. In the endorphin state, the bottom has trouble responding and does so in a dreamy voice. Her heart rate is down and she is reluctant to move. She doesn’t know what she wants, but if you stop beating her you may be surprised to hear her complain. She wants this to go on forever - she is in the “forever place”. The submission phase Another type of sub space is a mental condition of true submission and surrender, probably mediated by serotonin and dopamine. As I said before, nipple stimulation can encourage this by releasing oxytocin. After going through heavy pain, the adrenaline peak and the endorphin high, the submissive should be in a mellow state and ready to follow orders. Asking submissives for some service (give a massage, suck cock, eat pussy, etc.) can help to bring them out of the passive state of the endorphin high to enjoy submitting with a clearer mind. The sex phase Not all scenes need to incorporate sex, of course. But, when they do, this should happen at the end. Orgasms at the beginning can interfere with other mental states. Still, some women will orgasm through anything and use their orgasms to power their sub space. In my view, sex should be a continuation of the submission phase and convey to bottoms the idea that they are being used for the pleasure of the top. Orgasms should happen with permission or on command. Aftercare To avoid sub drop, the BDSM scene should transition without pause into aftercare. First, all bondage and stimulation (butt plugs, clamps, etc.) need to be removed. Second, the bottom probably needs to be warmed up, particularly if the adrenergic peak has been strong. The sympathetic nervous system gets activated during that peak, so at the end of the scene the parasympathetic system kicks in, withdrawing blood from the periphery and slowing down metabolism and heart rate, all of which produces the feeling of cold. Mild, non-intrusive emotional connection needs to be established. However, this is not the time to process and analyze the scene, but to provide the bottom with a safe landing from an extreme physical and mental experience. So, there you have it! That’s my take on how to achieve sub space. Mix and match those different phases any way you like it, and have fun!

An informal survey of 119 masochists reveals the secrets of getting pleasure out of pain When you think about it, masochism is puzzling. Pain is something that has evolved to keep us from hurting ourselves. If something hurts, we avoid it. Them, why do masochists seek and enjoy pain? Pain is defined by the International Association for the Study of Pain as: “An unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with, or resembling that associated with, actual or potential tissue damage.” But then, if pain is not unpleasant for a masochist, is it no longer pain? Wrong explanations for masochistic pain This paradox has puzzled psychologists for a long time. In the past, they have tried to explain it in ways that pathologize masochism and marginalize its practitioners. For a long time, masochism was considered a mental disease that compels people to hurt themselves. But not anymore. It was taken out of the DSM-5: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the official catalog of mental disorders of the American Psychiatric Association. Furthermore, psychometric tests given to 32 BDSM practitioners (Connolly, 2006) showed that they were similar to the general population. Masochists are not crazy. Another invalid explanation is that masochism is a marginal behavior practiced only by a small minority of people. However, an analysis of a large survey (Herbenick et al., 2020) showed that a majority of women (66%) and close to a majority of men (45%) have been spanked for pleasure, and that 20% of people of either sex are into BDSM. Sexual masochism is not the only way in which people enjoy pain. There is also spicy food, which is regularly consumed by most people in India, Thailand, Mexico, large parts of China, and many other countries. Put together, that represents a large part of the world's population. The active compound in chili peppers is capsaicin, which activates TRVP1, a protein that detects painful heat in sensory nerves. The discoverers of TRPV1 won the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine in 2021. Therefore, enjoying pain is not necessarily sexual. Masochism seems to be a basic characteristic of the human species. Possible explanations for masochism It is possible that masochists like pain because they enjoy the painful sensation itself. Alternatively, masochists may endure pain as a means to achieve something else. For example, satisfying a dominant or getting into an altered state of consciousness. In this case, masochists would endure pain in a similar way that athletes do: in order to win a challenge and improve themselves. This idea was proposed in the book It Hurts So Good, written by a masochist to explain her experiences. Informal survey in Fetlife.com To explore this question, I decided to ask the masochists themselves. I posted the following article in Fetlife.com, a social media for kinky people with 10 million members worldwide. Why do you like pain? 1) pain for pain’s sake - a painful stimulus like spanking or flogging is pleasurable by itself 2) pain means degradation, humiliation and bringing down your ego 3) pain is an expression of submission and devotion to a dominant 4) pain induces an altered state of consciousness (sub-space) 5) any other reason I would really appreciate your responses in the comments. Just give one or more of the numbers above, or write your own response. Also, please disseminate to your masochist friends. Here is a link to the article and the responses it got. The article received 102 ‘loves’ and elicited 224 comments. Not all the comments were in response to the questions; some were just general remarks or responses to other comments. There were 119 responses, which I recorded in a spreadsheet for data analysis. Most people answered yes to more than one of the options, and some people even answered ‘yes’ to all the options. Because of that, the percentages of responders to each option add to more than 100%. Most people also wrote an account of their experiences. All the people who answered yes to option 5 explained what ‘other’ was. I compiled these explanations into 9 additional categories, which I describe below. Option 1: pain for its own sake Out of the 119 responders, 89 answered yes to this option (75%). This remarkably high number of responders supports the idea that most masochists, indeed, like pain for its own sake. However, it should be emphasized that masochists do not like all kinds of pains, and not in all circumstances. In fact, they tend to be quite choosy. The pain needs to be administered by a trustworthy top, in a seductive environment and following some specific ritual. It all depends on the intention, the environment and consent. Most masochists enjoy impact pain, as in spankings, floggings, paddlings and canings. Another big preference is ‘rope’ - being bound with multiple coils of rope all over the body - as in the fashionable practice of shibari. Bondage is painful because the rope bites into the skin and immobilizes the body in uncomfortable positions. But there are many other forms of non-impact pain. Clothespins or special clamps are applied all over the body, but more frequently to the nipples, the labia or the scrotum. Sterile needles are used to pierce the skin, forming artistic patterns. Hot wax is poured over the naked skin. The skin can also be set on fire. Normally, all these practices represent moderate amounts of pain. However, masochists tend to build their pain tolerance, to the point that the most experienced would subject themselves to things that most people would consider torture. But it is done for fun. Some responders to my survey said that they feel a need for pain as strong as sexual desire. Although masochistic practices are often sexual and followed by sex, that is not always the case. Some masochists enjoy pain for psychological reasons, independently of sexual arousal. Option 2: pain for humiliation and bringing down the ego Out of 119 responders, 30 chose this option (25%). This was the option less chosen by the responders. Perhaps I didn’t phrase it right. I meant a sense of humility brought by pain, which may be experienced as a release from the drive of the ego. Some people who chose option 5 stated that they wanted pain to elicit feelings of vulnerability and cleansing, which is partly what I meant with this option. Option 3: pain as an expression of submission Out of 119 responders, 66 chose this option (55%). Apart from bondage, BDSM encompasses two large categories of practices: Dominance-submission (DS) consists of the submissive surrendering to, obeying and worshiping the dominant. Sadomasochism (SM) consists of the enjoyment of pain - by the masochist - and the delivery of pain - by the sadist. DS and SM overlap in a variety of ways. A lot of people are into both and combine them as they please. But there are submissives who do not enjoy pain but would endure it to please their dominant, as an expression of surrender, or to be punished. These people would answer ‘yes’ to question 3 and ‘no’ to question 1, but there weren’t many - of the 66 who answered ‘yes’ to option 3, only 15 answered ‘no’ to option 1. This may be sample bias. Since the survey was specifically addressed to ‘masochists’ and this type of submissives do not consider themselves masochists, they would not have answered. In any case, the survey did show that many masochists receive pain as an expression of submission, in addition to wanting pain for itself or for some other reason. Option 4: pain to achieve an altered state of consciousness (‘sub-space’) Out of 119 responders, 98 chose this option (82%). The so-called sub space (submissive space) is a big thing in BDSM. This term refers to altered states of consciousness that bottoms or submissives reach during BDSM ‘scenes’ - sessions of bondage, pain delivery, discipline or submission. As a neuroscientist interested in the interaction of pain and stress, I have studied sub space for some time and I am writing a book largely devoted to it. I am convinced that there are multiple types of sub space, mediated by different neurotransmitters and neuronal pathways, and specific to different BDSM practices. However, the type of sub space that concerns us here is the one induced by pain. My inquiries indicate that it is initiated by a release of adrenaline in the blood and noradrenaline in pain inhibitory pathways connecting the brain stem with the spinal cord. This state typically disappears after a few minutes, giving way to endorphin release in brain areas that inhibit pain and produce euphoria and a dreamy, floaty state. “My sub space is a magical place full of warm beaches and unicorns, the sun will always shine and you can fold out your wings and fly to wherever you want.” A survey responder. To my surprise, this option was the most chosen. A whopping 82% of responders stated that they seek sub space using pain. Most said that they had achieved it, at least once. Therefore, this type of altered state of consciousness is not a marginal phenomenon, but rather the norm amongst masochists. Of the people who checked option 4 (98), the majority (70) also chose option 1. This indicates that enjoying pain is a step towards pain-induced sub space. Option 5: other Out of 119 responders, 46 chose this option (39%). Analyzing the written responses, I classified them into 9 categories: Focusing the mind - 14 responders. This is different from sub space. People who stated this said that they feel like their mind is normally too full of distractions and worries, but pain quiets it and makes them focus in the moment. It puts them in their body. It grounds and centers them. Some speak of a reset and forced focus. Cleansing and catharsis - 7 responders. Perhaps related to the previous response, some people speak of emotional cleansing produced by the pain. Others mention having a safe space for crying and releasing emotions. Others get giggly. Pushing limits - 13 responders. These people see pain as a personal challenge. It’s a bit like a sport: they want to know how much they can take, how far they can go. They see rope marks and bruises as trophies with which to brag to friends. Empowerment - 4 responders. This is the opposite of option 2. Instead of bringing down the ego and evoking humility, for them pain is empowering. I can understand why. Society teaches us from childhood to fear pain, so conquering it makes us feel safe and powerful. Vulnerability - 7 responders. And yet, pain makes other people feel vulnerable. Perhaps this is necessary for the catharsis and emotional release mentioned above. Orgasm - 6 responders. It is common for women to orgasm from pain. I have witnessed it many times, with different women. Orgasms are frequently triggered by impact play like a spanking, caning or flogging, but it can also be induced by bondage, clamps and other forms of pain. They occur in the absence of any obvious genital stimulation. Quite the opposite: the woman focuses on the pain and this takes her to orgasm. It is likely that some men also have orgasms from pain, but I have not observed this, nor was it reported in this survey. Relieving chronic pain - 5 responders. I have studied chronic pain in my scientific career. It changes the brain in weird ways. While fear and stress decrease pain in normal people, they increase pain in those with chronic pain. Hence, I was surprised when several masochists (mostly women) told me that they had chronic pain and that BDSM scenes go a long way to improve their condition. This is probably related to sub space and the strong state of analgesia underlying it. But it also may be related to changing the emotional relationship that these people have with their pain. Reliving stress and anxiety - 4 responders. Masochistic play also relieves stress and anxiety, even in people with anxiety disorders. If pain focuses the mind, cleanses it, and brings empowerment, you can see how all these things would reduce anxiety. Connection and intimacy with the top/sadist - 4 responders. It’s surprising that this wasn’t mentioned by more people. The connection with the top is an essential ingredient for a good BDSM scene. If the players have a relationship, these practices can strengthen it by deepening their connection and fulfilling their needs. Conclusion It seems that most masochists enjoy pain by itself. However, this seems to be just the beginning of a number of positive interactions with pain, sub space being the most sought after. Even when this altered state of consciousness is not reached, there are beneficial psychological changes that include focusing, catharsis, empowerment, orgasm, vulnerability and intimacy. Submissives use pain to surrender to their dominants. People with chronic pain and anxiety disorders report an alleviation of their suffering. References Connolly PH (2006) Psychological Functioning of Bondage/Domination/Sado-Masochism (BDSM) Practitioners. Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality 18:79-120. Herbenick D, Fu TC, Wright P, Paul B, Gradus R, Bauer J, Jones R (2020) Diverse Sexual Behaviors and Pornography Use: Findings From a Nationally Representative Probability Survey of Americans Aged 18 to 60 Years. The journal of sexual medicine 17:623-633. Copyright 2022 Hermes Solenzol.

How romantic love is poisoned by myths about exclusivity, possession, jealousy, eternal love, mind reading, and others Finding the love of your life - and keeping that love alive - is the most common and valued goal in our modern culture. As measure of success in life, it ranks up there with money, health and fame. But love should be more easily attainable than wealth and fame. It’s something that everybody should get, one way or another. Right? Of course, I am talking about romantic love here. There are many other kinds of love: for our children, for our parents, for our friends. There are also more abstract forms of love, like the love of God, the love for our country, and the love of virtue and ideals. However, there is something especial about romantic love that makes us obsess about it, whereas the other forms of love are taken for granted, or even as a duty. Scientific studies emphasize the importance of romantic love by showing that married people tend to be healthier and live longer, while loneliness is a health hazard, especially as we age. This may be true, but it also increases our craving for love, and our despair if we have not found it, our grief if we have lost it to abandonment or death. That cannot be healthy, either. Romantic love starts with a sexual attraction, progresses though infatuation and courtship, and ends in marriage or cohabitation - what has been called the “relationship escalator.” Since it serves as the basis for marriage, which is the form of personal economy encouraged by our society and tax laws, there is a strong cultural pressure to get it. Accordingly, not being in a relationship is considered a personal failure, especially for women. On top of that, children are the future of society, and they are conceived and raised inside marriages. Hence, romantic love forms the underpinning of our society. Society responds by creating a huge amount of content that idealizes romantic love in the form of music, novels, movies, advertisement and television series. Love is everywhere, and a lot of our consumption habits revolve around it. However, in reality, the beliefs that we have about romantic love are the source of a huge amount of misery. About half of all marriages end in divorce, and many more relationships end even before marriage. When you date, heartbreak is a much bigger hazard than any sexually transmitted disease. Recently, there has been a growing criticism, not so much of romantic love itself, but of many of its myths that produce unrealistic expectations and demands that are too heavy for us and our lover. Alternative relationship models like polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy are blurring the boundaries between romantic love and friendship, and questioning many of its assumptions. I have listed here twelve of the myths of romantic love, and tried to explain how they harm us. 1. I don't need anyone but you A lot of people, when they fall in love, put all their time and energy into the couple and relegate their friendships to the background. This gets even worse when they get married or move in together, since the couple provides easy, build-in companionship while friendships require effort to reach out. This derives from one of the most basic beliefs of romantic love: that there is one person who complements us perfectly. However, we are complex beings with a wide variety of needs, and finding someone who satisfies them all is practically impossible. Going into a relationship with these expectations leads to frustration because nobody can be our perfect match. Moreover, requiring our lover to change to fit our needs and desires strains the relationship. A healthier attitude is to value our friendships, understanding that each person brings something different to our lives. Polyamory goes even further by proposing that we would live a fuller life by loving several people that complement different aspects of our lives. That way, we won’t have to demand that just one person fulfills all our needs. 2. Love at first sight The myth the love at first sight is based on this idea that there is one person who complements us perfectly, plus the belief that there is a magical way to instantly recognize that person. Complementarity produces such a strong attraction that when the two people meet, love arises instantly. The reality is that, while there are many instant crushes, they are based on strong sexual attraction or even a strong emotional report, but these things can easily evaporate as they get to know each other. Taking that sexual attraction to bed could be a good first test. Dating for a while with a mindful attitude, curiosity and lowered expectations can lead us to a better judgement about how a good match we are. Mature love is based on the gradual discovery of the other person and our affinity for them. 3. I will love you forever With the divorce rate in most Western countries hovering around 50%, it is clear that loves that last a lifetime are more the exception than the rule. And that doesn’t even take into account the separations that happen before marriage, and the many unhappy couples who continue to live together because they can’t or they won’t break up. Believing in eternal love is absurd. It is better to start a relationship knowing that it may not last forever. That way, when the breakup comes, it will be less painful. Being mentally prepared for the decline of love also helps us build up the resolution not to hurt our lover when it happens. There should be no blame and no shame. It’s just a fact of life. There are some relationships that last “till death do us part.” Perhaps it is luck, or working to maintain the relationship, or considering things realistically from the beginning. 4. You are mine Romantic love tends to be possessive, something that we rarely find in other forms of love. Our lover is seen as something that belongs to us, an extension of ourselves. Forming a couple becomes an acquisition, a purchase in which I exchange my duties towards you for your obligations towards me. This transaction entails a loss of freedom that turns marriage into a prison. There is an emphasis on "fidelity", that is, on the fulfillment of a marriage contract whose first clause is sexual exclusivity. It is much healthier to see our lover as someone who belongs to himself or herself. Relationships should be based on shared experiences, empathy, kindness and mutual care. 5. Jealousy as a sign of love Possessiveness inevitably leads to jealousy, which our monogamous culture has turned into a virtue and a measure of the intensity of love. This is why “crimes of passion” are romanticized, justified and often forgiven. The result is a lot of women abused and murdered by men who base their self-esteem on their ability to make them their prisoners. Not to forget the many men trapped by emotional blackmail, guilt trips and other forms of psychological abuse. The glorification of jealousy hurts and can even kill. 6. Love forgives everything Another dangerous myth that serves to perpetuate situations of domestic violence is the ideal of a woman as a selfless person who is capable of forgiving everything in the name of love. Forgiveness can be liberating, it is true, but as long as the abuse has ended and the abuser has made the necessary reparations. Ideally, forgiving should be done from a situation of freedom and a certain physical and emotional distance. Otherwise, forgiveness becomes just an excuse to perpetuate the abuse. 7. Love will make you change Yet another myth is to consider love as a magical force capable of miraculously make a person change. One of the most common tropes in romantic novels is that of the innocent, pure woman who is capable of healing a warrior man who has been wounded. The reality is quite different: one partner strives to change the other, who resists. This leads to a power struggle that damages the relationship. Of course, personal transformation is always possible, but it must start from within, not be imposed from the outside. Even in the name of love. A particularly nasty variant of this myth is when we hear “when you find the woman (or man) of your life, you will stop being homosexual, bisexual, polyamorous, etc.” 8. Sex is better with someone you love And its mirror image: sex without love is empty. While it is true that love can bring empathy and complicity to sex, it is also true that desire and love can happen independently of each other. For many people, having sex with a new person increases their sexual arousal. Conversely, making love with the same person year after year becomes boring and dampens sexual desire. One-night stands can be wonderful adventures in which we discover the body and mind of an unknown person. Knowing that we will never see them again gives us a strange freedom. People who practice non-monogamy know from experience that when their lover has sex with another person, they return to their bed with renewed desire and sexual charge. Some people do experience sex without love as empty and unfulfilling. There are, indeed, people who are monogamous by nature, possibly by having an increase expression of oxytocin and vasopressin receptors in their brains, as it happens in prairie voles. However, it is also possible that this feeling of emptiness is due to unprocessed sexual guilt and shame. 9. True love will make you feel completely fulfilled And its mirror image: a life without love is an empty life. Love is just one facet of life. Wanting another person to make us feel completely fulfilled creates unrealistic expectations that lead to frustration. And to blame our partner for our disappointment. Many people sacrifice their career, friends or hobbies for love, only to regret it later on. On the other hand, there are people who never find their true love but still live a wonderful life. This myth also causes a lot of misery in people who, for whatever reason, are not able to find their true love. It makes them believe that they will never be happy. It also makes them feel ashamed of their situation, as in the nasty stereotype of the old maid. We need to combat these myths with evidence that it is possible to live a happy life being single. Yes, we all have needs for sex and companionship, but they can be met by having casual sex and developing strong friendships. 10. I want a lover who treats me like a queen / king Love should not consist of someone putting themselves at our service and solving our financial problems. Men have a strong drive to be financially independent, but may develop emotional dependence and expect women to take care of household chores and raising the children. This is not love but exploitation. Women may wish for a man who provides for them and frees them from work. However, a fundamental tenet of feminism is that women should be autonomous and independent. Waiting for prince charming to show up to solve our problems is eminently sexist. 11. If you truly loved me, you’d know what I want Another magical quality attributed to romantic love is that of mind reading. The idea is that our bond is so strong that you should immediately detect what I want. If you are unable to do so, it’s because you are not paying attention. Which means that you don’t love me enough. A milder form of this disease is passive communication: relying on facial expressions, hints, sarcasm, silence or passive aggression to convey a message. Instead, we should use active communication: expressing our thoughts, feelings and wants as clearly and unambiguously as we can. The myth of mind reading serves as an excuse for not working properly on communication, which is essential for the success of the relationship. Nobody, no matter how much they love you, is capable of knowing what you think and what you feel. Especially in the middle of a fight, when anger clouds our thinking and our perceptions. It is true that, in some relationships, people come to have a special empathy, an ability to know how the other person feels. However, this is usually the result of years of successful communication and intimate conversations. 12. All you need is love Too bad for the Beatles, who wrote the song All You Need Is Love. The song is beautiful, but the lyrics are complete bullshit. During the 1960s, hippy culture developed the strong belief that love was the key to solving all our problems. War, violence, racism, sexism, pollution… you name it, love was the solution for it. Of course, it didn't work. Life is too complex to try to solve it based on an emotion, even one as beautiful and important as love. To solve the problems of our society, we need many other things, like knowledge, honesty, wisdom and hard work. The same applies to our relationships.