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Where does the ego come from? Why is it bad? Is it possible to get rid of it? Asking my Zen teacher We all sat on our zafus facing the center of the dojo - the meditation room. This was the opposite of what we normally did when we practiced zazen - Zen meditation - which we did facing the walls. At one side of the dojo, there was an altar with a statue of the Buddha, flowers and incense sticks. At the other end, sat Dokusho, our Zen teacher, wearing his brown kesa. This was mondo: a formal question-and-answer period with the Zen teacher. I joined my hands in gasho - the formal salute -, bowed and got up from my zafu. I walked to the center of the dojo to face Dokusho. I bowed to him and kneeled to ask my question. “How can I get rid of my ego?” “You don’t want to get rid of your ego. You need a strong ego to practice Zen. Otherwise, your determination will weaken and you’ll stop practicing.” I was surprised by his answer. This is what is supposed to happen during mondo. The answers of the teacher are meant to shake your assumptions, to force you to look at things from a different point of view. But I also felt relieved. I didn’t have to understand what the ego was, something that I could not fathom. I didn’t have to live in self-doubt, constantly questioning if I had too much ego. I just need to be strong and determined, and keep practicing Zen. That happened many years ago, sometime in the 80s, in Madrid. Ever since, I had often wondered if Dokusho was right in his answer. As it often happens in Zen, he was both right and wrong. Shame, pride and other social emotions Eventually, I stopped practiced Zen and left Buddhism. I had learned a lot, but I could no longer agree with some of its basic teachings. But that is a story for another day. But I never abandoned my quest for self-understanding, for transcending my limitations. I just turned away from lofty goals like achieving Nirvana to more mundane endeavors. I wanted to stop suffering, help others, understand myself, and reconcile myself with death. One of the things I realized was how sensitive I was to shame. I had shame attacks. The smallest social gaffe would trigger a paralyzing and painful feeling of shame. My mind would go over and over what had happened in an endless loop. I also had a small voice in my mind that would say, always in Spanish: “How stupid!” It left me with the feeling that what was stupid was me. The fact that the voice only spoke Spanish, when most of my internal dialogue happens in English, told me that it was something from my childhood. I put these experiences together with a conversation I overheard at a meeting of the Mind and Life Institute, and perhaps with some things I’ve read, to create a theory about the origin of the Ego. It goes like this… Shame and pride are two opposite emotions that evolved in humans to control our social interactions to maximize cooperation. I am convinced that we carry shame in our genes, given the fact that it triggers physiological responses like blushing and universal behaviors like hunching, freezing and withdrawal. Pride also triggers behaviors like standing tall and strutting. Shame punishes us, not only when we do something wrong, but also when we fail to perform our duties or fail when trying to do something. Conversely, pride is a reward for our success. I also think that our brains are programed so that shame and pride are triggered by other people, especially those in our close social environment. We may try to get rid of our shame and boost our pride, but we are largely unable to do that because these emotions arise automatically. This makes sense from the evolutionary point of view. If these emotions evolved to increase social cooperation, they should be controlled by others. If we could control them from inside our minds, they would lose their power to enforce social behavior. There is a host of other social emotions that work together with shame and pride to control social interactions: Guilt happens when we harm somebody or our community. It is different from shame in that it does not produce blushing. It is triggered by wrongdoings, not by failures. Indignation leads to blaming, which triggers guilt in the person who is blamed. Contempt, likewise, triggers shame in the person it targets. It leads to shunning and social isolation. Ridicule is another trigger of shame. When somebody acts proud undeservingly, that person is ridiculed to “bring them down a peg or two”. Humor accompanies ridicule. When people laugh at you, that makes you feel ashamed. Humor serves to bond together a group that is pouring contempt on somebody. However, humor also offers an exit from shame when the person being shamed accepts his decrease in social status by laughing with the group. How shame and pride build the ego We are subject to the pull and push of pride and shame since the day we are born. Power struggles with our parents, toilet training, squabbles in kindergarten… they all teach us that to be loved we need to succeed and not disappoint. Soon, we start to internalize these drives. We start to feel proud of ourselves and ashamed of ourselves. That is how the ego is created, as a core for the emotional memories and habits of feeling proud and shameful. Emotional memory is a type of memory that makes us feel a particular emotion upon receiving a particular stimulus. Often, a stimulus would trigger an emotional memory, but we don’t understand why because we have forgotten the event that created the emotional memory. Emotional memories are very persistent and difficult to control. Emotional habits are those that we create by reacting with the same emotion over and over again. If you let yourself feel angry at the least provocation, you will eventually become an angry person. But if, instead, you choose to be patient, patience will become easier over time. Likewise, shame and pride carve pathways in our brain, so that more and more events are interpreted through those emotions. We are not our ego. Our ego does not belong to us. We belong to our ego. It’s hard to escape from a black hole I had a vision of my ego as a black hole. It was huge, with gravity so strong that it captured everything that came into my consciousness. Every sight, every sound, every taste, every smell, every feeling, every idea, was interpreted based on its value for the ego. It twisted and warped everything that came into my mind. Like a black hole, not even light can escape it. From its early beginnings in childhood, the ego grows and grows throughout our life. It’s the base of our values, because passing judgement is what the ego does best. It convinces us that we cannot live without it. When it feels threatened, it warns us that we are in danger, that nobody will love us, that we will do things that make us ashamed, that we will stop doing things that we need to live and prosper. Dokusho was right in that we need a strong ego to succeed in life. If we have a career, like I did, we need a strong ego to motivate us and give us the energy to put the hard work to succeed. Every time we slack off, the ego brings out its whip of self-shame to make us try harder. It feeds from our work environment, sucking in every praise, every diploma, every raise in salary… But also all of our defeats: the job we lost, the lover who broke up with us, the competition we didn’t win, the paper that was rejected… Both pride and shame feed the ego equally. It uses these emotions to build an image of who we are, and it shows it to us to prod us forward. Why is the ego bad? The problem is that often the ego takes over our lives. It grows and grows until it becomes so big that occupies the entire space of our consciousness. Because the nature of the ego is craving - of success and praise - and fear - of failure and disapproval - the ego makes us constantly unhappy. Its victim is that innocent child that wanted to play and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. The teenager that looked at the world in wonder and wanted to know for the simple pleasure of knowing. The young adult that wanted to love and be loved. Successful people are deeply unhappy because success has built an ego so strong that they are forever their slaves and cannot break free from it. They paid a heavy price for their success: an insatiable ego that has taken over everything in their lives, leaving no room to breathe. The ego causes us to live false lives because it sets goals in function of what others and society expect from us, instead of what we really want. It creates mirages and imbues them with craving, so that we chase after them. It takes over our perceptions: the moment something comes into our consciousness it is judged in term of the cravings of the ego. That way, we start chasing fame, money and status symbols that we don’t really need. We see our lives through the distorted optics of winning and losing prestige. Yet another problem is that we start believing that we are our ego. It takes so much space in our mind that we see nothing else. Then, anything that threatens the ego becomes an existential thread to our entire being. We cannot let go of the ego because we feel that then we would die. But the ego is just a bunch of emotional habits that create an image of who we are. In reality, we are the entirety of our mind, both the conscious and the unconscious. We are much larger and powerful than our ego. The trap of the ego The problem with many spiritual practices and philosophies that are supposed to free us from suffering is that they can’t help but falling into the black hole of the ego. The ego pats us in the back after every meditation, every yoga session, every church service, every political demonstration, and tells us that we should feel proud of ourselves, because we are so spiritual, so illuminated, so saintly, so politically engaged… Some philosophies, like Stoicism, even provide intellectual support for the ego by giving us a false model of our mind in which there is one part of it that controls another part. The superego and the id. Rationality and instincts. The conscious and the unconscious. The ego welcomes these ideas because, of course, it sees itself as the part of the mind that is in control. Meditation practice can bolster the ego when it becomes the part of the mind that forces it to pay attention to something, like the breath, or the chakras, or whatever. That’s why I prefer meditation practices that open the mind to everything that happens, instead of trying to focus it. Another problem is when consciousness is worshipped and made the center of everything, because then the ego disguises itself by calling itself consciousness. Instead, meditation should open us to our unconscious, breaking the barriers between the conscious and the unconscious by letting sensations, feeling and ideas flow freely. The trap of the ego makes it very difficult to do transformative work or follow a spiritual path. Any such work needs to challenge the ego and the distorted view of our lives that it creates. But, instead, the ego protects itself by distracting us from that work with false objectives like how many hours of meditation we are doing or how much money we are donating. Following a teacher, guru, religion or sect traps us into the game of the ego by making us dependent on the approval of these people, instead of giving us inner freedom. Jiddu Krishnamurti warned us about that. The wounded ego Unsuccessful people also have egos. But theirs, instead of accumulating successes, accumulate failures. They suffer from low self-esteem because of a lifetime of failures that fill them with shame. That creates a state of mind of continuous freezing, incapable of genuine happiness. That frozen state also deprives them of the creativity that they would need to achieve any future success. It doesn’t matter if you are actually successful or not. What matters is how you see yourself. These people often try to numb themselves with alcohol, drugs, gaming or some other kind of addiction. The ego-driven craving sets the stage for that. Wounded egos are very sensitive to shaming. They quickly take offense at anything that remotely appears like a put-down. The mere presence of successful people reminds them of their failures, and this manifest as envy and schadenfreude. People tend to avoid them and that hurts them, too, because shunning is a form of contempt. They crave praise and suck it up like sponges. They constantly demand recognition for the things they do. The dilemma of the ego We face a tragic dilemma. We either build a strong ego that leads us to success in life - but that at the same time makes us unhappy - or we become ego-less happy fools that would never succeed. In ancient Greece, some philosophers saw this dilemma and chose the latter. They called themselves the Cynics: the ones that lived like dogs. They lived like animals, enjoying the present and the simple pleasures of life, avoiding worries, money, fame and anything that could become a trap of the ego. They made a point of being shameless. However, most people would rather have a strong ego than live like a dog. The Way of the Warrior I have a glimpse of a way out of this dilemma. It’s called the “Way of the Warrior.” I think it’s a horrible name, because it speaks of war and “warrior” sounds like something the ego would love. However, it consists of learning to do things in ways that do not feed the ego. I first encountered the Way of the Warrior while reading books by Carlos Castaneda during my youth. Castaneda presented a doctoral thesis at UCLA on anthropology in which he related his experiences with don Juan Matus, a Yaqui sorcerer of northern Mexico. He published it as the book The Teachings of Don Juan, that was an international success and was followed by a series of books on the same subject. Don Juan gave Carlos Castaneda a variety of psychodelics like peyote, psilocybin mushrooms and Datura. Besides this use of psychedelics, don Juan taught Castaneda a way of life called the Way of the Warrior, which consisted of losing self-importance, erasing our personal history, taking responsibility for our actions, and using death as an advisor. The first two things seem related to erasing the ego. When I finished reading the whole series of Castaneda books, I became convinced that they are works of fiction, which is the present consensus among the experts. However, the Way of the Warrior made a strong impression on me and became part of my personal philosophy. I encountered the Way of the Warrior again in a book that was highly recommended by my rock-climbing buddies: The Rock Warrior’s Way, by Arlo Ilgner. He incorporates the philosophy of Carlos Castaneda, Stoicism and Zen Buddhism into a mental training for climbers that enhances focus, performance and enjoyment. Specifically, he analyzes how the ego decreases the climber’s performance by taking away performing the moves in an “impeccable manner”: with complete focus and commitment. I incorporated his advice into my climbing and felt a great improvement. The best thing is that it helped me to avoid “phantom fear”, a crippling anxiety that filled me the day before I was going to do a challenging route. Even better, while I was reading the book I felt that this advice could be applied, not just to rock-climbing, but to most aspect of my life, writing in particular. Mushotoku: focusing on the doing instead of the praise Circling back to Zen, the Way of the Warrior reminds me of the Zen teaching of mushotoku: “Mushotoku is the attitude of non-profit, of not wanting to gain anything for yourself.” Taisen Deshimaru. Taisen Deshimaru was the teacher of Dokusho, who traveled from Spain to Paris to study with him. Mushotoku addresses the craving that is inherent of the ego by focusing on the action itself and not on its goals. This includes the self-praise we derive, because there cannot be any gain for the self. Doing things with mushotoku requires a high level of mindfulness and meta-attention: paying attention to how we pay attention. For me, doing this is tricky. A part of the mind is trying to control other parts of the mind. This is difficult to do without causing internal divisions and struggle. In particular, it’s easy to become self-judgmental, which takes us back to the game of praise and shame that the ego plays. Self-compassion Self-compassion is not the same as self-pity. Self-pity comes from a wounded ego, which thinks that is not treated as it deserves. It is based on self-importance and not taking responsibility for our actions. It’s demanding from others the care we are not willing to give to ourselves. Self-compassion, instead, is a commitment to taking care of ourselves by being aware of our needs and limitations. In its quest for success and praise, the ego often compromises our well-being. The ego trap in which we fall while pursuing lofty professional, spiritual or political goals makes a virtue of self-denial , until we find ourselves living a life devoid of playfulness, joy and rest. Self-compassion requires a special kind of mindfulness that lets us listen to our bodies and our unconscious, which tells us what we need. It knows that we are fragile and mortal, that strength and health are not to be taken for granted, that our time in this world is limited and has to be used wisely. It limits the ego by advocating for our entire self in front of it. It laughs at our failures with good humor and uses our natural curiosity to learn from them. Instead of the mirages of grandeur of the ego and of dejection of the wounded ego, self-compassion relies on the truths of our natural limitations and the randomness of the world. Self-compassion evolves naturally into compassion for others when we realize that everybody is as fragile, limited and subject to the randomness of life as we are. Bad luck strikes everybody, and it is cruel to make people pay for it. Importantly, when we are used to battling our ego, we see how people around us are slaves of their own egos. When they become confrontational and angry, they are just defending their egos. The same way as we do. Conclusion It may be impossible to live completely ego-less. But we could decrease the ego to a manageable size, so that it doesn’t fill consciousness so completely and cloud our mind. I may become more aware of how it hurts me, which would be a beginning to decrease my suffering. Slowly, I could free more space in my mind for joy, curiosity, playfulness and wonder. Musings About the Ego was first published in Sex, Science & Spirit.

In BDSM, sub space is a coveted altered state of consciousness achieved through pain or submission Lots of people have been asking me this question. I have been reluctant to answer for a variety of reasons. Sub space is not just one state, but several. People vary a lot in their ability to get to sub space and in the type of sub space they will achieve. Although I have lots of ideas about the neurophysiological mechanisms that produce sub space, all of this is still very speculative. Therefore, I can give you some pointers on how to get to sub space, but it is ultimately up to each top and bottom to find out what works for them. I should emphasize that the single most important factor in determining the outcome of a scene is the ability of the top to communicate and read the responses of the bottom, and to adjust his actions accordingly. To just apply a one-size-fits-all standardized recipe would not produce good results and may even lead to disaster. Anyway, let me give it a shot. Scene preparation A lot of what happens in a scene depends on the state of mind of the bottom before the scene, so it helps to start preparing it several days in advance. This can be a natural extension of the negotiation process. It may consist of more or less explicit threats, probing questions, fantasy build up and even some preparation exercises. Restraining from masturbation and sexual activity 24 hours before a scene can help build up sexual tension. Starting Previous care could be a good way to prevent sub drop. It’s a bit like aftercare, but it takes place just before a scene. The top should remind the bottom of the safeword, give assurances that it will respected, and say encouraging words to help build empathy. Top and bottom should start by completely focusing on each other and excluding any external distraction. Blindfolding the bottom can do marvels to make her focus on her sensations. The top should talk in a voice that is clear, slow, sensual, secure and deep to achieve a mild hypnotic effect. Next comes undressing the bottom, which should make her aware of every part of the body that is being exposed and how vulnerable that makes her. Add some bondage and let the bottom consider for a few minutes her predicament in silence. Pain Although not strictly required, pain is the surest and shortest path to sub space. It should be sensual and never outpace the ability of the bottom to process it. Sensual pain is directed towards erogenous zones (the buttocks in a spanking, the labia or the nipples using clamps, etc.) and stimulates the skin, producing a warm sensation. Combining pain with caresses works very well. A basic mechanism in our spinal cord called the “pain gate” causes touch to eliminate pain. For example, if you hit a bottom with a cane and then immediately caress the injured skin, it will be felt as if the hand is erasing the pain. Both the pain and the caressing will help to drive the attention to sensations and lead towards subspace. If you don’t want to use pain, continuous stroking all over the naked body will produce a mental altered state. There is no need for sexual stimulation at this point, we can save that for later. However, stimulating the nipples releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, so doing it will help the bottom empathize with the top and encourage the serotonin/dopamine type of sub space. Drawing towards the adrenaline peak Once the bottom has been warmed up, more intense pain can be applied in a continuous way to produce a peak experience. I would aim for an adrenaline sub space by instructing the bottom to struggle, scream and complain as much as he wants. Lots of activity encourages the fight/flight reaction, adrenaline release, and the ensuing increases in heart rate and breathing. If using impact play, the cadence of the strokes should be regular, continuous and relentless. It should convey the psychological message that the top is not going to let up, that this can go on forever. The top could even say that aloud and try to evoke fear with threats. At some point, however, the bottom will give up the struggle. She may stop thrashing and screaming, and hang limp for her restraints. There may even be weeping and sobbing (check that she is OK!). All this tells us that she is ready for the next step. The endorphin high The body has a tendency to transition from an adrenaline high to an endorphin high with the right kind of stimulation. For that to happen, the painful stimulation needs to continue. Everything needs to slow down a bit, however. One thing that can work is to alternate caresses with a few hard blows. The top should use a sensual voice to whisper encouraging words into the ears of the bottom. To help build some real submission, tell her how happy it makes you that he is taking all that pain for you. Turn off the fear, though. That doesn’t belong in this state. Tell her that she is going to be OK, then hit her hard a few times. In the endorphin state, the bottom has trouble responding and does so in a dreamy voice. Her heart rate is down and she is reluctant to move. She doesn’t know what she wants, but if you stop beating her you may be surprised to hear her complain. She wants this to go on forever - she is in the “forever place”. The submission phase Another type of sub space is a mental condition of true submission and surrender, probably mediated by serotonin and dopamine. As I said before, nipple stimulation can encourage this by releasing oxytocin. After going through heavy pain, the adrenaline peak and the endorphin high, the submissive should be in a mellow state and ready to follow orders. Asking submissives for some service (give a massage, suck cock, eat pussy, etc.) can help to bring them out of the passive state of the endorphin high to enjoy submitting with a clearer mind. The sex phase Not all scenes need to incorporate sex, of course. But, when they do, this should happen at the end. Orgasms at the beginning can interfere with other mental states. Still, some women will orgasm through anything and use their orgasms to power their sub space. In my view, sex should be a continuation of the submission phase and convey to bottoms the idea that they are being used for the pleasure of the top. Orgasms should happen with permission or on command. Aftercare To avoid sub drop, the BDSM scene should transition without pause into aftercare. First, all bondage and stimulation (butt plugs, clamps, etc.) need to be removed. Second, the bottom probably needs to be warmed up, particularly if the adrenergic peak has been strong. The sympathetic nervous system gets activated during that peak, so at the end of the scene the parasympathetic system kicks in, withdrawing blood from the periphery and slowing down metabolism and heart rate, all of which produces the feeling of cold. Mild, non-intrusive emotional connection needs to be established. However, this is not the time to process and analyze the scene, but to provide the bottom with a safe landing from an extreme physical and mental experience. So, there you have it! That’s my take on how to achieve sub space. Mix and match those different phases any way you like it, and have fun!

An informal survey of 119 masochists reveals the secrets of getting pleasure out of pain When you think about it, masochism is puzzling. Pain is something that has evolved to keep us from hurting ourselves. If something hurts, we avoid it. Them, why do masochists seek and enjoy pain? Pain is defined by the International Association for the Study of Pain as: “An unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with, or resembling that associated with, actual or potential tissue damage.” But then, if pain is not unpleasant for a masochist, is it no longer pain? Wrong explanations for masochistic pain This paradox has puzzled psychologists for a long time. In the past, they have tried to explain it in ways that pathologize masochism and marginalize its practitioners. For a long time, masochism was considered a mental disease that compels people to hurt themselves. But not anymore. It was taken out of the DSM-5: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the official catalog of mental disorders of the American Psychiatric Association. Furthermore, psychometric tests given to 32 BDSM practitioners (Connolly, 2006) showed that they were similar to the general population. Masochists are not crazy. Another invalid explanation is that masochism is a marginal behavior practiced only by a small minority of people. However, an analysis of a large survey (Herbenick et al., 2020) showed that a majority of women (66%) and close to a majority of men (45%) have been spanked for pleasure, and that 20% of people of either sex are into BDSM. Sexual masochism is not the only way in which people enjoy pain. There is also spicy food, which is regularly consumed by most people in India, Thailand, Mexico, large parts of China, and many other countries. Put together, that represents a large part of the world's population. The active compound in chili peppers is capsaicin, which activates TRVP1, a protein that detects painful heat in sensory nerves. The discoverers of TRPV1 won the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine in 2021. Therefore, enjoying pain is not necessarily sexual. Masochism seems to be a basic characteristic of the human species. Possible explanations for masochism It is possible that masochists like pain because they enjoy the painful sensation itself. Alternatively, masochists may endure pain as a means to achieve something else. For example, satisfying a dominant or getting into an altered state of consciousness. In this case, masochists would endure pain in a similar way that athletes do: in order to win a challenge and improve themselves. This idea was proposed in the book It Hurts So Good, written by a masochist to explain her experiences. Informal survey in Fetlife.com To explore this question, I decided to ask the masochists themselves. I posted the following article in Fetlife.com, a social media for kinky people with 10 million members worldwide. Why do you like pain? 1) pain for pain’s sake - a painful stimulus like spanking or flogging is pleasurable by itself 2) pain means degradation, humiliation and bringing down your ego 3) pain is an expression of submission and devotion to a dominant 4) pain induces an altered state of consciousness (sub-space) 5) any other reason I would really appreciate your responses in the comments. Just give one or more of the numbers above, or write your own response. Also, please disseminate to your masochist friends. Here is a link to the article and the responses it got. The article received 102 ‘loves’ and elicited 224 comments. Not all the comments were in response to the questions; some were just general remarks or responses to other comments. There were 119 responses, which I recorded in a spreadsheet for data analysis. Most people answered yes to more than one of the options, and some people even answered ‘yes’ to all the options. Because of that, the percentages of responders to each option add to more than 100%. Most people also wrote an account of their experiences. All the people who answered yes to option 5 explained what ‘other’ was. I compiled these explanations into 9 additional categories, which I describe below. Option 1: pain for its own sake Out of the 119 responders, 89 answered yes to this option (75%). This remarkably high number of responders supports the idea that most masochists, indeed, like pain for its own sake. However, it should be emphasized that masochists do not like all kinds of pains, and not in all circumstances. In fact, they tend to be quite choosy. The pain needs to be administered by a trustworthy top, in a seductive environment and following some specific ritual. It all depends on the intention, the environment and consent. Most masochists enjoy impact pain, as in spankings, floggings, paddlings and canings. Another big preference is ‘rope’ - being bound with multiple coils of rope all over the body - as in the fashionable practice of shibari. Bondage is painful because the rope bites into the skin and immobilizes the body in uncomfortable positions. But there are many other forms of non-impact pain. Clothespins or special clamps are applied all over the body, but more frequently to the nipples, the labia or the scrotum. Sterile needles are used to pierce the skin, forming artistic patterns. Hot wax is poured over the naked skin. The skin can also be set on fire. Normally, all these practices represent moderate amounts of pain. However, masochists tend to build their pain tolerance, to the point that the most experienced would subject themselves to things that most people would consider torture. But it is done for fun. Some responders to my survey said that they feel a need for pain as strong as sexual desire. Although masochistic practices are often sexual and followed by sex, that is not always the case. Some masochists enjoy pain for psychological reasons, independently of sexual arousal. Option 2: pain for humiliation and bringing down the ego Out of 119 responders, 30 chose this option (25%). This was the option less chosen by the responders. Perhaps I didn’t phrase it right. I meant a sense of humility brought by pain, which may be experienced as a release from the drive of the ego. Some people who chose option 5 stated that they wanted pain to elicit feelings of vulnerability and cleansing, which is partly what I meant with this option. Option 3: pain as an expression of submission Out of 119 responders, 66 chose this option (55%). Apart from bondage, BDSM encompasses two large categories of practices: Dominance-submission (DS) consists of the submissive surrendering to, obeying and worshiping the dominant. Sadomasochism (SM) consists of the enjoyment of pain - by the masochist - and the delivery of pain - by the sadist. DS and SM overlap in a variety of ways. A lot of people are into both and combine them as they please. But there are submissives who do not enjoy pain but would endure it to please their dominant, as an expression of surrender, or to be punished. These people would answer ‘yes’ to question 3 and ‘no’ to question 1, but there weren’t many - of the 66 who answered ‘yes’ to option 3, only 15 answered ‘no’ to option 1. This may be sample bias. Since the survey was specifically addressed to ‘masochists’ and this type of submissives do not consider themselves masochists, they would not have answered. In any case, the survey did show that many masochists receive pain as an expression of submission, in addition to wanting pain for itself or for some other reason. Option 4: pain to achieve an altered state of consciousness (‘sub-space’) Out of 119 responders, 98 chose this option (82%). The so-called sub space (submissive space) is a big thing in BDSM. This term refers to altered states of consciousness that bottoms or submissives reach during BDSM ‘scenes’ - sessions of bondage, pain delivery, discipline or submission. As a neuroscientist interested in the interaction of pain and stress, I have studied sub space for some time and I am writing a book largely devoted to it. I am convinced that there are multiple types of sub space, mediated by different neurotransmitters and neuronal pathways, and specific to different BDSM practices. However, the type of sub space that concerns us here is the one induced by pain. My inquiries indicate that it is initiated by a release of adrenaline in the blood and noradrenaline in pain inhibitory pathways connecting the brain stem with the spinal cord. This state typically disappears after a few minutes, giving way to endorphin release in brain areas that inhibit pain and produce euphoria and a dreamy, floaty state. “My sub space is a magical place full of warm beaches and unicorns, the sun will always shine and you can fold out your wings and fly to wherever you want.” A survey responder. To my surprise, this option was the most chosen. A whopping 82% of responders stated that they seek sub space using pain. Most said that they had achieved it, at least once. Therefore, this type of altered state of consciousness is not a marginal phenomenon, but rather the norm amongst masochists. Of the people who checked option 4 (98), the majority (70) also chose option 1. This indicates that enjoying pain is a step towards pain-induced sub space. Option 5: other Out of 119 responders, 46 chose this option (39%). Analyzing the written responses, I classified them into 9 categories: Focusing the mind - 14 responders. This is different from sub space. People who stated this said that they feel like their mind is normally too full of distractions and worries, but pain quiets it and makes them focus in the moment. It puts them in their body. It grounds and centers them. Some speak of a reset and forced focus. Cleansing and catharsis - 7 responders. Perhaps related to the previous response, some people speak of emotional cleansing produced by the pain. Others mention having a safe space for crying and releasing emotions. Others get giggly. Pushing limits - 13 responders. These people see pain as a personal challenge. It’s a bit like a sport: they want to know how much they can take, how far they can go. They see rope marks and bruises as trophies with which to brag to friends. Empowerment - 4 responders. This is the opposite of option 2. Instead of bringing down the ego and evoking humility, for them pain is empowering. I can understand why. Society teaches us from childhood to fear pain, so conquering it makes us feel safe and powerful. Vulnerability - 7 responders. And yet, pain makes other people feel vulnerable. Perhaps this is necessary for the catharsis and emotional release mentioned above. Orgasm - 6 responders. It is common for women to orgasm from pain. I have witnessed it many times, with different women. Orgasms are frequently triggered by impact play like a spanking, caning or flogging, but it can also be induced by bondage, clamps and other forms of pain. They occur in the absence of any obvious genital stimulation. Quite the opposite: the woman focuses on the pain and this takes her to orgasm. It is likely that some men also have orgasms from pain, but I have not observed this, nor was it reported in this survey. Relieving chronic pain - 5 responders. I have studied chronic pain in my scientific career. It changes the brain in weird ways. While fear and stress decrease pain in normal people, they increase pain in those with chronic pain. Hence, I was surprised when several masochists (mostly women) told me that they had chronic pain and that BDSM scenes go a long way to improve their condition. This is probably related to sub space and the strong state of analgesia underlying it. But it also may be related to changing the emotional relationship that these people have with their pain. Reliving stress and anxiety - 4 responders. Masochistic play also relieves stress and anxiety, even in people with anxiety disorders. If pain focuses the mind, cleanses it, and brings empowerment, you can see how all these things would reduce anxiety. Connection and intimacy with the top/sadist - 4 responders. It’s surprising that this wasn’t mentioned by more people. The connection with the top is an essential ingredient for a good BDSM scene. If the players have a relationship, these practices can strengthen it by deepening their connection and fulfilling their needs. Conclusion It seems that most masochists enjoy pain by itself. However, this seems to be just the beginning of a number of positive interactions with pain, sub space being the most sought after. Even when this altered state of consciousness is not reached, there are beneficial psychological changes that include focusing, catharsis, empowerment, orgasm, vulnerability and intimacy. Submissives use pain to surrender to their dominants. People with chronic pain and anxiety disorders report an alleviation of their suffering. References Connolly PH (2006) Psychological Functioning of Bondage/Domination/Sado-Masochism (BDSM) Practitioners. Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality 18:79-120. Herbenick D, Fu TC, Wright P, Paul B, Gradus R, Bauer J, Jones R (2020) Diverse Sexual Behaviors and Pornography Use: Findings From a Nationally Representative Probability Survey of Americans Aged 18 to 60 Years. The journal of sexual medicine 17:623-633. Copyright 2022 Hermes Solenzol.

How romantic love is poisoned by myths about exclusivity, possession, jealousy, eternal love, mind reading, and others Finding the love of your life - and keeping that love alive - is the most common and valued goal in our modern culture. As measure of success in life, it ranks up there with money, health and fame. But love should be more easily attainable than wealth and fame. It’s something that everybody should get, one way or another. Right? Of course, I am talking about romantic love here. There are many other kinds of love: for our children, for our parents, for our friends. There are also more abstract forms of love, like the love of God, the love for our country, and the love of virtue and ideals. However, there is something especial about romantic love that makes us obsess about it, whereas the other forms of love are taken for granted, or even as a duty. Scientific studies emphasize the importance of romantic love by showing that married people tend to be healthier and live longer, while loneliness is a health hazard, especially as we age. This may be true, but it also increases our craving for love, and our despair if we have not found it, our grief if we have lost it to abandonment or death. That cannot be healthy, either. Romantic love starts with a sexual attraction, progresses though infatuation and courtship, and ends in marriage or cohabitation - what has been called the “relationship escalator.” Since it serves as the basis for marriage, which is the form of personal economy encouraged by our society and tax laws, there is a strong cultural pressure to get it. Accordingly, not being in a relationship is considered a personal failure, especially for women. On top of that, children are the future of society, and they are conceived and raised inside marriages. Hence, romantic love forms the underpinning of our society. Society responds by creating a huge amount of content that idealizes romantic love in the form of music, novels, movies, advertisement and television series. Love is everywhere, and a lot of our consumption habits revolve around it. However, in reality, the beliefs that we have about romantic love are the source of a huge amount of misery. About half of all marriages end in divorce, and many more relationships end even before marriage. When you date, heartbreak is a much bigger hazard than any sexually transmitted disease. Recently, there has been a growing criticism, not so much of romantic love itself, but of many of its myths that produce unrealistic expectations and demands that are too heavy for us and our lover. Alternative relationship models like polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy are blurring the boundaries between romantic love and friendship, and questioning many of its assumptions. I have listed here twelve of the myths of romantic love, and tried to explain how they harm us. 1. I don't need anyone but you A lot of people, when they fall in love, put all their time and energy into the couple and relegate their friendships to the background. This gets even worse when they get married or move in together, since the couple provides easy, build-in companionship while friendships require effort to reach out. This derives from one of the most basic beliefs of romantic love: that there is one person who complements us perfectly. However, we are complex beings with a wide variety of needs, and finding someone who satisfies them all is practically impossible. Going into a relationship with these expectations leads to frustration because nobody can be our perfect match. Moreover, requiring our lover to change to fit our needs and desires strains the relationship. A healthier attitude is to value our friendships, understanding that each person brings something different to our lives. Polyamory goes even further by proposing that we would live a fuller life by loving several people that complement different aspects of our lives. That way, we won’t have to demand that just one person fulfills all our needs. 2. Love at first sight The myth the love at first sight is based on this idea that there is one person who complements us perfectly, plus the belief that there is a magical way to instantly recognize that person. Complementarity produces such a strong attraction that when the two people meet, love arises instantly. The reality is that, while there are many instant crushes, they are based on strong sexual attraction or even a strong emotional report, but these things can easily evaporate as they get to know each other. Taking that sexual attraction to bed could be a good first test. Dating for a while with a mindful attitude, curiosity and lowered expectations can lead us to a better judgement about how a good match we are. Mature love is based on the gradual discovery of the other person and our affinity for them. 3. I will love you forever With the divorce rate in most Western countries hovering around 50%, it is clear that loves that last a lifetime are more the exception than the rule. And that doesn’t even take into account the separations that happen before marriage, and the many unhappy couples who continue to live together because they can’t or they won’t break up. Believing in eternal love is absurd. It is better to start a relationship knowing that it may not last forever. That way, when the breakup comes, it will be less painful. Being mentally prepared for the decline of love also helps us build up the resolution not to hurt our lover when it happens. There should be no blame and no shame. It’s just a fact of life. There are some relationships that last “till death do us part.” Perhaps it is luck, or working to maintain the relationship, or considering things realistically from the beginning. 4. You are mine Romantic love tends to be possessive, something that we rarely find in other forms of love. Our lover is seen as something that belongs to us, an extension of ourselves. Forming a couple becomes an acquisition, a purchase in which I exchange my duties towards you for your obligations towards me. This transaction entails a loss of freedom that turns marriage into a prison. There is an emphasis on "fidelity", that is, on the fulfillment of a marriage contract whose first clause is sexual exclusivity. It is much healthier to see our lover as someone who belongs to himself or herself. Relationships should be based on shared experiences, empathy, kindness and mutual care. 5. Jealousy as a sign of love Possessiveness inevitably leads to jealousy, which our monogamous culture has turned into a virtue and a measure of the intensity of love. This is why “crimes of passion” are romanticized, justified and often forgiven. The result is a lot of women abused and murdered by men who base their self-esteem on their ability to make them their prisoners. Not to forget the many men trapped by emotional blackmail, guilt trips and other forms of psychological abuse. The glorification of jealousy hurts and can even kill. 6. Love forgives everything Another dangerous myth that serves to perpetuate situations of domestic violence is the ideal of a woman as a selfless person who is capable of forgiving everything in the name of love. Forgiveness can be liberating, it is true, but as long as the abuse has ended and the abuser has made the necessary reparations. Ideally, forgiving should be done from a situation of freedom and a certain physical and emotional distance. Otherwise, forgiveness becomes just an excuse to perpetuate the abuse. 7. Love will make you change Yet another myth is to consider love as a magical force capable of miraculously make a person change. One of the most common tropes in romantic novels is that of the innocent, pure woman who is capable of healing a warrior man who has been wounded. The reality is quite different: one partner strives to change the other, who resists. This leads to a power struggle that damages the relationship. Of course, personal transformation is always possible, but it must start from within, not be imposed from the outside. Even in the name of love. A particularly nasty variant of this myth is when we hear “when you find the woman (or man) of your life, you will stop being homosexual, bisexual, polyamorous, etc.” 8. Sex is better with someone you love And its mirror image: sex without love is empty. While it is true that love can bring empathy and complicity to sex, it is also true that desire and love can happen independently of each other. For many people, having sex with a new person increases their sexual arousal. Conversely, making love with the same person year after year becomes boring and dampens sexual desire. One-night stands can be wonderful adventures in which we discover the body and mind of an unknown person. Knowing that we will never see them again gives us a strange freedom. People who practice non-monogamy know from experience that when their lover has sex with another person, they return to their bed with renewed desire and sexual charge. Some people do experience sex without love as empty and unfulfilling. There are, indeed, people who are monogamous by nature, possibly by having an increase expression of oxytocin and vasopressin receptors in their brains, as it happens in prairie voles. However, it is also possible that this feeling of emptiness is due to unprocessed sexual guilt and shame. 9. True love will make you feel completely fulfilled And its mirror image: a life without love is an empty life. Love is just one facet of life. Wanting another person to make us feel completely fulfilled creates unrealistic expectations that lead to frustration. And to blame our partner for our disappointment. Many people sacrifice their career, friends or hobbies for love, only to regret it later on. On the other hand, there are people who never find their true love but still live a wonderful life. This myth also causes a lot of misery in people who, for whatever reason, are not able to find their true love. It makes them believe that they will never be happy. It also makes them feel ashamed of their situation, as in the nasty stereotype of the old maid. We need to combat these myths with evidence that it is possible to live a happy life being single. Yes, we all have needs for sex and companionship, but they can be met by having casual sex and developing strong friendships. 10. I want a lover who treats me like a queen / king Love should not consist of someone putting themselves at our service and solving our financial problems. Men have a strong drive to be financially independent, but may develop emotional dependence and expect women to take care of household chores and raising the children. This is not love but exploitation. Women may wish for a man who provides for them and frees them from work. However, a fundamental tenet of feminism is that women should be autonomous and independent. Waiting for prince charming to show up to solve our problems is eminently sexist. 11. If you truly loved me, you’d know what I want Another magical quality attributed to romantic love is that of mind reading. The idea is that our bond is so strong that you should immediately detect what I want. If you are unable to do so, it’s because you are not paying attention. Which means that you don’t love me enough. A milder form of this disease is passive communication: relying on facial expressions, hints, sarcasm, silence or passive aggression to convey a message. Instead, we should use active communication: expressing our thoughts, feelings and wants as clearly and unambiguously as we can. The myth of mind reading serves as an excuse for not working properly on communication, which is essential for the success of the relationship. Nobody, no matter how much they love you, is capable of knowing what you think and what you feel. Especially in the middle of a fight, when anger clouds our thinking and our perceptions. It is true that, in some relationships, people come to have a special empathy, an ability to know how the other person feels. However, this is usually the result of years of successful communication and intimate conversations. 12. All you need is love Too bad for the Beatles, who wrote the song All You Need Is Love. The song is beautiful, but the lyrics are complete bullshit. During the 1960s, hippy culture developed the strong belief that love was the key to solving all our problems. War, violence, racism, sexism, pollution… you name it, love was the solution for it. Of course, it didn't work. Life is too complex to try to solve it based on an emotion, even one as beautiful and important as love. To solve the problems of our society, we need many other things, like knowledge, honesty, wisdom and hard work. The same applies to our relationships.

Fire Play, the BDSM practice that will set your lover on fire, literally! Fire play is a sadomasochist practice that consists of touching the skin of a person with fire, or setting the skin briefly on fire. Its effect is psychological, since the sensation it produces is not painful, just a mild warmth. In fact, if it hurts, this is probably a sign that it’s not being done correctly and it may produce a burn injury. However, it’s hard not to be scared when our skin is being set literally on fire. This is edge play and can be dangerous. I have explained the basic safety precautions here. But if you can get hands-on training, that would be ideal. “Fire play is edge play and is extremely dangerous if done incorrectly or carelessly. Even when all possible precautions are taken, there is a great deal of risk involved. Fireplay can be sensual and painless, but it can also result in serious, even life-threatening injuries…not to mention burning your house down. BE CAREFUL!” The Pyro Passion handout. Why do people like Fire Play? If it’s so dangerous, you may ask, then why do some people do this? Unlike BDSM activities like spanking and bondage, playing with fire doesn’t seem particularly sexual. Still, for some people, it is sexual. Different people fetishize different things, and fire can be a fetish, too. Besides, not all BDSM is sexual. A lot of it has to with conjuring awful things, like whipping and torture, as a way to exorcise our horror about them. Burning people at the stake was one of the worst horrors frequently done in Western culture. For the bottom person, fire play provides the exhilaration of getting over the fear of being burned, which is deeply engrained into us. After all, scaring ourselves with something that looks dangerous is a favorite entertainment for many. Think scary movies and roller-coasters. The physics and chemistry of setting people on fire The magic trick of setting the skin on fire without burning it is based on several facts: The heat of a flame travels from the bottom to the top. Therefore, if the skin is at the bottom of a flame, it absorbs little of its heat. However, if we were to put our hand on top of the same flame, it would burn us. A brief contact of a flame with the skin, as done in fire flogging, does not have time to burn. Alcohols give little heat when they burn, compared with, for example, gasoline. The combustion heat of ethanol is 1367 kJ/mol, and that of propanol is 2021 kJ/mol. In contrast, that of gasoline (heptane/octane) is 4466 kJ/mol, more than the double. Alcohols burn slowly and smoothly, not fast and explosively like gasoline, because they contain water. Safe Fire Play From these facts, we can deduct a few tips about how to do Fire Play safely. However, experienced players emphasize that Fire Play cannot be made 100% safe; you can only reduce the risks. Flames should be applied to the skin of the bottom person in a horizontal position, so the heat of the flame moves up and away from the skin. Use alcohol as fuel. The “rubbing alcohol” sold in American pharmacies as disinfectant is isopropyl alcohol (2-propanol), an isomer of propanol that has the OH- group in the middle carbon instead of at the end (see picture). Therefore, its combustion heat is similar to that of propanol. European pharmacies sell ethanol as disinfectant, which is even safer given its lower combustion heat. The concentration of alcohol should be 60%-70%, not higher. This means that the alcohol contains 40%-30% water, which makes it burn slower and reduces its combustion heat. However, alcohol flows down. If it gets on the sides or below the body it can burn the skin on top. The same thing can happen if alcohol pools in body crevices such as the buttocks, genitals, breasts or any other part of the body with skin folds. To avoid this, run a damp cloth over the body every few minutes to wipe out any remaining alcohol. Advanced fire players may use white gas to get more spectacular flames. However, this increases the risk and requires experience and skill. The white gas used in camping stoves is, basically, gasoline. Its higher combustion heat makes it more likely to produce burns. Besides, a gasoline fire is more difficult to put out with water because gasoline floats on the water and keeps burning. In contrast, alcohol dissolves in water and stops burning when its water content is too high. Gasoline can produce toxic fumes in closed environments, and can burn explosively. Keep in mind that hair spray, cologne and some body lotions are flammable. They could increase the heat produced by the alcohol and make it difficult to put out the fire on the skin. The bottom person should not be bound, to let him/her to put out the fire with their hands or by rolling over, if necessary. Things happen very quickly when fire is involved. There is no time to untie or cut a rope, or to unclip a carabiner. Ideally, the person being lit on fire should be nude to prevent clothes from catching fire. Make sure the hair is out of the way of the flames. Fire play should never be done on the face or the neck. A Kevlar hood can be used for extra protection of the head. Fire play should not be done on hairy skin, because hair generate embers that produce burns, especially if the hair is thick. Use areas with little or no body hair, like the buttocks or the back. People with hairy skin should shave beforehand - preferably the day before because alcohol may irritate newly shaved skin. Burned off body hair may not grow back in the same pattern as before. Fire play should be done away from curtains, sheets, carpets, furniture, grass, straw or any other object that can catch fire. There should be a wet towel and a container with water nearby. The wet towel can be used to smother a fire or to refresh the skin if it gets too hot. Water will dilute the alcohol and stop it from burning. It’s a good idea to use a fireproof blanket to put under the bottom person, since any blanket, sheet or mattress will catch fire if the burning alcohol falls on it. However, some fireproof blankets are meant for welding or putting a fire out, not to lay naked on them. They are made of fiberglass, which can get into the skin and cause irritation. Fire blankets made of wool or Kevlar are better. Although they are less fire resistant than fiberglass, the will withstand burning alcohol for a short period of time. Some old fire blankets contain asbestos, which is extremely toxic and should be avoided at all costs. A simple solution could be using a wet towel under the bottom person. An additional precaution is to have a fire extinguisher at hand, in case things get really out of control and threaten to set the building on fire. It should be suitable for A and B fires. The fire extinguisher is not meant to be used on a person; a wet towel or fire blanket should be used instead. Fire play is not a safe practice to do alone! There should be a top partner who can devote his/her undivided attention to the fire, while the bottom enjoys it and deals with the strong feelings it may evoke. Adding a third person - a spotter - increases safety by providing extra eyes and hands. Nobody should panic while doing this. It can be dangerous. The psychological effects of seeing fire on your naked skin should be discussed while negotiating the scene. If you are completely new to fire play, practice on an object before attempting to do this to a person. Even in that case, do not do it alone and take all the safety precautions. You can even do drills in which you use the dire blanket, the wet towel and the fire extinguisher. Things you are going to need Basic items: isopropyl alcohol, 60%-70 - it can be diluted more with water to make the flame go out sooner; container for the fuel - it should be kept in a closed container, preferably one that would not spill or break if it tips over; a bowl or cup (ceramic or metal) to put a small amount of fuel to dip the fire wand - better if it has a large base for stability Fire wands - they are metal rods with a Kevlar tip (these can be bought as fire-swallowing sticks or fire swords) or a cotton tip; which is dipped in the fuel; lighter, preferably with a long stem; cotton balls. Safety items: fireproof blanket (wool or Kevlar) - to put under the bottom person or to use to smother the fire; wet towel - the first thing to use to put out the fire or to refresh the skin; lotion for burns with aloe - to treat redness and first-degree burns; water in a glass or other container - to put the fire out if needed; fire extinguisher - in case things get really out of hand. Basic Fire Play The most basic form of fire play consists of touching the skin with the tip of a fire wand with burning alcohol in it. Another is to dab the naked skin with alcohol and set in on fire. A fire wand, fire-swallowing stick or fire sword are metal rods with a Kevlar tip or sheet, and a rubber handle. The Kevlar can be dipped in alcohol and set on fire. Since Kevlar is quite fire-resistant, it will not burn with the alcohol. The rubber handle protects the hand of the person holding the stick, which may get hot. The bottom partner should be naked, or wear clothes far away from the skin that would be used for the fire play. Put a small amount of alcohol in the metal bowl. Close the main container. Dip the Kevlar tip of the fire wand in it. Light it on fire with the lighter. Touch the naked skin with the tip of the stick. Fire should be in contact with the skin for a maximum of 3 seconds, to avoid burning. Don’t apply fire repeatedly to the same spot. Sometimes, a bit of alcohol remains burning on the skin, which can be put out with wiping motion of the hand. Alternatively, a bit of alcohol can be rubbed on the skin with a cotton ball. Then the fire-swallowing stick is used to light the alcohol on fire. After one or two seconds, the top puts the flames out by wiping them with the hand. The bottom person should just experience a warmth in the skin. The fire should not be kept too long on the skin, because the heat can build up fast to the point where it becomes intolerable and produces a burn. Some redness in the skin is normal and can be treated with aloe lotion. Advanced Fire Play Hair mousse burns slowly and with low heat. White Rain, Salon Selectives, Alberto V05 are the brands that I have seen recommended for this. It is used to draw patterns on the skin, which then are set on fire. Often, the fire moves over the mousse in waves, creating beautiful effects. It usually turns itself off before the mousse is consumed, and needs to be lighted again. Flash cotton can be cut in little pieces, which are put on the skin and lighted. It is also called flash paper, and its technical name is nitrocellulose. It’s a highly flammable compound that burns in a flash without leaving any residue. Therefore, its effect is the opposite of hair mouse: instead of burning smoothly, it produces a quick, hot flash. This increases the danger of setting something on fire, so extra precaution is required. Fire drumming uses two fire wands to drum on the skin. Fire flogging use floggers made of Kevlar, which can be dipped in alcohol and set on fire. The flogging is done with the bottom person standing up or leaning on something. A horizontal position is not used in this case, since the flames touch the skin of the back only during the brief impact. The sensation is said to be nice flashes of heat. Fire flogging is often done at night or in a dimly lighted room because of the visual effect. Cupping is considered by some to be fire play, although the fire is only used to heat the suction cups and does not touch the skin. Still, since fuel can spread to the body, the precautions listed here should be taken. These are advanced techniques with which I am not familiar. The best thing to do to learn fire play is to participate in a workshop organized by a BDSM organization. There is a handout written by Pyro Passion that can be downloaded as a text file and printed. Here is one article about fire play, and another. There is also a book: Flames of Passion: Handbook of Erotic Fire Play, by David Walker and Robert Rubel. Things that can go wrong Fire play may seem simple enough, but it should be considered edge play and done with the utmost precautions. Things can go horribly wrong. There is an account in Fetlife.com (in the Fire Floggers and Fire Whips group, Fire cupping gone wrong; direct links are not possible) about how a scene involving fire cupping resulted in second-degree burns over a large part of the body. In a nutshell the main mistakes were that the bottom was restrained, alcohol inadvertently pooled on her body and suddenly caught fire, and there was no wet towel to put out the fire. Here are a few things most likely to go wrong, and what to do in those cases: The fire stays too long on the skin of the bottom - The top should put it out with his hands. If this doesn’t work, immediately use the wet towel or the glass of water to put out the fire. The clothes of the bottom (or the top!) catch fire - Put them out by with the wet towel. Furniture, curtains, sheets, etc. catch fire - Use the wet towel or fire extinguisher to put the out fire. You accidentally set the cup with fuel on fire - If the fuel is alcohol, it could be put out by damping water on it or covering with a damp towel. If it’s gasoline, this is much more dangerous and may require a fire extinguisher. The fuel container falls down, spills fuel on the floor, and it catches fire - That’s why you need a fire extinguisher! Put the fire out immediately with it. Small spills may be put out using the wet towel, but don’t take any risks. Gasoline fires are much more dangerous than alcohol fires. Alcohol spreads or pools on the body of the bottom - wipe it thoroughly with the wet towel. The bottom panics - The bottom may jump up and run away, which is fine, except that things may get knocked over and set on fire. The top needs to have the presence of mind to put out any flame before helping the bottom. Summary In summary, fire play is an edgy BDSM activity that toils with one of our deepest emotions: the fear of being burned. It is visually beautiful and exciting. The physical sensations it evokes are surprisingly pleasant. If done with the adequate precautions, it can be a lot of fun. Copyright 2022 Hermes Solenzol.

Erotic scene from a novel I'm writing in Spanish, "The Fascist, the Red and the Coup." Luis is a young lawyer and double amputee. He has to share a room with his secretary Nina in a small village in Castile where his dark businesses have taken them. Sasamón (Burgos, Spain), Friday July 25, 1980 “I want to take a bath, to see if I can relax,” Luis said to Nina. “But if you want to shower first, I don't mind waiting.” “No, please, go first. Take all the time you want. I'm going to clean up my notes for you to read later.” Luis went into the bathroom, put the stopper in the tub and turned on the faucets. He undressed and sat on the edge of the tub to remove his prosthetic legs. When he took off the second one, he lost his balance and fell backwards into the bathtub with a big splash, hitting his head against the wall. Nina came running into the bathroom. “Boss, what happened? Are you okay?” Luis grabbed the edge of the tub and managed to sit up. He wiped his eyes with his knuckles. It was totally humiliating to be naked and helpless in front of her. “No big deal… I fell while taking off my prosthetic legs. I'm fine. “You should have asked me for help. I’ve nothing else to do.” Nina sat on the edge of the tub. She took a towel and put it on the back of his head. When she took it off, it was smeared with blood. “You are going to get a lot of blood in the water. Let’s see…” Nina unrolled some toilet paper, folded it, and put it on the back of his head. “Better. Hold it with your hand… Like that. Do you want me to wash you?” “No, Nina. I'd rather do it myself…” “Why are you so determined to make your life more difficult, boss? Come on, lie back.” Nina took him by the shoulders and helped him lie on his back. Luis closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax. His head and butt hurt from the fall. He did feel a little shocked. He took a deep breath, waiting for the pain to pass. If Nina insisted on mothering him, why shouldn't he let her? After all, she had already seen him naked. Since he’d lost his legs, bathing had become a complicated and risky affair. Carolina, his wife, often helped him do it. He felt Nina's hand grabbing his left stump. He opened his eyes, alarmed. Nina stared fascinated at the stump sticking out of the water, a bar of soap in her hand. It was an ugly purple color, with wrinkles where the skin sealed the broken femur. He had seen his stumps a thousand times and still hadn't gotten used to them. He had always been embarrassed by show his stumps. No one managed to hide their disgust. It had taken Carolina months to get over it. But there was no disgust on Nina's face. Just curiosity and dedication. She began to lather his stump. The delicate touch of her fingers on his skin was delicious. Luis closed his eyes and abandoned himself to the sensation. When she was done, she reached into the water for his right stump. Luis opened his eyes and saw that he was soaking the sleeves of her shirt. “You're getting your clothes wet, Nina.” “It's true,” Nina said, looking at her shirt. “Oh no! I even have blood stains on my shirt! Well, since you're naked, I guess you won't mind if I take it off.” Without waiting for his answer, Nina put the soap back in the soap dish and unbuttoned her shirt. She took it off and put it on the toilet. Her bra was black against her white skin. Her breasts looked round and firm. He knew how this was going to end. He could stop it now. Send her out of the bathroom and not cheat on Carolina. But why shouldn't he take advantage of an opportunity like this? It surely would never come again. Why couldn't he screw his secretary, like any other boss? She wanted it. Another woman would have left the bathroom upon realizing that he was naked, instead of taking advantage of his helplessness. And Nina hadn't hesitated for a second to take off her shirt. What a slut you've hired, Luis! His father's voice said in his head. It may be a slut, dad. But she's my slut. But he still felt ashamed and powerless. He could not allow her to continue to take the initiative. “Keep undressing, Nina.” “Don Luis, I think you misunderstood my intentions. I just wanted to help.” “I think I understood your intentions perfectly, Nina.” “Don Luis, surely you will want to be faithful to his wife. And, for me, not to become the secretary who sleeps with the boss.” Maybe she was right. His sister might be a whore, his mother an adulteress, and his father a whoremonger, but he didn't have to be like them. He could be a virtuous man, as advised by Marcus Aurelius and the Stoic philosophers that had helped him get out of his depression, and not take his own life, when he lost his legs. Nina's gaze met his. In her eyes he read an unmistakable lust. He never thought that he would arouse such intense desire in a woman again. He desperately needed to know if it was true. “You’ve told me many times that you were at my disposal for whatever I needed. And now I need to see you naked.” “It's true, I've told you many times, and I was being sincere. And, for the record, it's not because you pay me, but because I want to serve you from the bottom of my heart. Because you believed in me and gave me a chance when I didn't deserve it.” He didn't expect to hear something so intimate. But it was consistent with their conversation the night before. “I know. You are in my debt. And I've always intended to collect that debt.” “You are the one who is married. It is your decision. I'll do what you tell me, boss.” “Then undress. Please, don't make me repeat myself.” Nina folded her arms behind her back to unhook her bra. She placed it on her shirt. Her breasts were not as large as he liked, but her nipples were thick and dark. Nina watched him ogle her with neither embarrassment nor pride. She unzipped her skirt and let it fall to the floor. It went on top of her other clothes. She kicked off her shoes. Sitting on the toilet, she unrolled her stockings. Then she stood up and pulled down her panties. Black fur hid her most intimate secrets. Her naked body was even more beautiful than he had imagined. A flat belly, graceful hips, and muscular yet feminine thighs. “Turn around, Nina. I want to see your ass.” How stupid! His father's voice said in his head. Nina turned her back to him. She had cute dimples on top of her perky buttocks. Luis felt his cock harden. “Do you like my butt, boss?” “You have a beautiful butt, Nina.” She turned to face him. “Can you make room for me in the tub? Or do you want me to wash you from the outside?” Luis slid to the end of the tub, making room for her. Nina stepped into the water, kneeling in front of him. She took the bar of soap and began to lather his chest. “You are a very attractive man, Don Luis.” His heart skipped a beat at hearing her say that. “Nonsense. An invalid like me cannot be considered attractive.” “Excuse me, boss, but it's you who talk nonsense. There are many things in a man that can be attractive, apart from his legs. Like a muscular chest, strong shoulders and an elegant face. Not to mention a brilliant brain, which has always been what I liked most about you. “You are flattering, Nina. It's a shame that I know that you are a liar.” “However, after that first lie, I promised you that I would never lie to you again. Don’t you remember? And you told me you'd give me a spanking if you ever caught me in another lie.” “Well, I hope we’ll both keep our promises.” “I will. When I told you that I like you, it was the truth. Lean back, please.” Luis leaned back, letting his body float in the water. Nina grabbed his right stump and kissed it. Then she lathered it, working her way down his thigh until she found his erect cock. She wrapped it in her fist. “Do you want me to take care of this, too?” Luis grabbed her wrist and forced her to let go of his cock. He sat up and looked into her eyes. “What I want, Nina, is to fuck you. If you don't mind, of course.” “I see you're not beating around the bush, boss. So, that’s what we are going to be? The boss and the secretary who sleep together?” “I don’t see why not. It’s a respectable tradition. And I am very traditional.” “And your wife? Does she also respect that kind of traditions?” “She’d better, after all I've done for her.” "So, you are going to tell her?" “Of course not! And you better not tell anyone, understand?” “As you pointed out on the first day, the word secretary comes from secret. Maybe that's why there are so many secretaries that sleep with their boss.” “Let me be clear. On our daily interaction, you’ll have to behave as if none of this had happened. No kisses, no hugs, no flirting. Even if there is nobody else there.” Nina pouted. “Are you sure? If we're going to be lovers, I wouldn't mind if you groped me once in a while. It can help you relieve stress.” “For now, it will be better that we both behave with decorum. We must never lose professionalism and mutual respect.” “I do understand that, Don Luis. You have always treated me with respect. You are quite a gentleman, and I appreciate that.” Nina washed his hair, then washed herself. He watched her. Kneeling in front of him, she lathered her breasts, her belly, her thighs, her ass and her crotch, letting him appreciate the firmness of her body. He held back his urge to touch her, letting the ritual that had been established between them take its natural course. He would have plenty of time to grope her. When she finished washing herself, Nina put her feet on his shoulders, pinched her nose and dove under the water, raising the level dangerously close to the edge. “And now what do you do?” she said, twisting her hair to drain it. “Do you put on your prosthetic legs to walk to the bed?” It was a tedious process. At home, he would sometimes crawl from the bathroom to his bed, which was just a mattress on the floor. But crawling was too undignified to do in front of Nina. “There is no other way.” “I could carry you in my arms. You are probably not too heavy.” The image of him being carried in her arms like a baby was even worse than crawling. “No, thanks. I'll put on my legs on. It doesn't take that long.” “I hope you will not fall again.” “Not if you give me a hand.” Nina helped him out of the tub and to sit on the edge. Then she held him while he strapped on his prosthetic legs. He let her dry him with the towel. Naked, they walked into the bedroom. There were two single beds. They could fit in one only if they held each other. Nina asked him if she wanted his prosthetic legs removed. “Better not, for now.” Nina giggled nervously. “I'm not on the pill, boss. But I always carry condoms in my bag. Do you mind if I go get them?” “No at all.” Nina came back with a strip of condoms and left them on the nightstand. She lay down by his side, resting her head on his shoulder, tangling her fingers in the hair on his chest. “If I have to be honest, I can't wait. I haven't had a decent fuck in years.” “And I’d wanted to fuck you from the first time I saw you.” Nina's hand trailed down his belly to his cock. She wrapped her fingers around it. “But you didn't hire me because of that.” “No. I hired you for being a liar.” “Seriously?” “You can see the kind of business I'm in. In some situations, knowing how to deceive someone can be a matter of life and death. Neither I want anyone with scruples that would make her hesitate at a critical juncture. Or, what would be worse, betray me.” Nina's fist closed around his dick. “I will be loyal to you, Don Luis. Fucking me can be like sealing a blood pact.” “I hadn't looked at it that way. Getting laid doesn't have to be of any consequence.” “Oh, but sometimes it does! Fucking makes people bond, right? And, with this, I am showing you that I was serious when I told you that I am at your service for anything you need.” Nina placed her thigh over his belly, trapping her hand with her cock under it. She kissed him lightly on the lips. “Well, I suppose that fucking has any meaning we want to give it.” “Let's give it this one, then,” said Nina. “Let it be a pact of loyalty between us.” Her thumb caressed his frenulum, sending sparks of pleasure. “It just got hard,” she said. What if we put a condom on it?” “Go ahead.” Nina turned to the nightstand and got a condom. She tore off the wrapper and looked at it doubtfully. “I don't have much experience with this. You better put it on.” “To have experience, you need practice. Put it on. If you mess up, there are more condoms.” Nina kneeled by his hips. She unrolled it over his stiff cock. “Oops! I think it's inside out.” Luis sat up to examine it. “There is no inside or outside. It's okay.” “And now what?” Her dark nipples looked at him like another pair of eyes. He reached out to feel the firmness of her breast. He pinched her thick nipple, felt it rise under his fingers. Nina looked down at his hand. Luis gradually increased the pressure until he saw Nina grimace and bite her lip. He stopped. “Don’t stop,” she said. “I like it.” He squeezed again. She smiled at him. With his other hand, he explored the slit of her pussy. She was soaking wet. “Straddle me,” he ordered. Nina put one knee on either side of his hips and sat on his belly. He could feel her wetness on his balls. “Put it in.” “I… I've never done it like this… I'm not sure how.” “It's not that hard, Nina.” He grabbed her by the nipples to pull her up. Realizing what he had to do, Nina grabbed his cock, angling it to aim for her entrance. Then she lowered herself on him. Luis felt his penis bend, but it soon found the opening and slipped inside. The vagina that enveloped him was warm and moist and tight. Nina kept lowering herself until she was sitting on his lap, the hairs of her pussy tickling his balls. Nina looked down at him with a surprised expression, as if she herself didn't believe what she had done. “Wow! This feels amazing! Doesn’t it?” “You did quite well, Nina,” he said, stroking her ass. “Oh, I’m so glad! I've never done it like this before… Normally, they shove it in and start pumping like crazy. This time I could feel it gradually filling me… Am I talking nonsense?” “Complete nonsense… I love it! She smiled at him. “Shall I move? I'm not sure how.” “Up and down. Slowly… I’ll guide you.” He grabbed her hips and helped her raise a little. When he felt that he was almost out of her, he pushed her down again. “See? That’s the range of motion.” “I see… Without your legs, it’s easier for you like this… Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to offend you.” “You haven't offended me, Nina. I can fuck on top, too. Especially when I have my legs on… They act as a counterweight.” She put her hands on his chest and started going up and down on him. “You're right… This feels good… I like it… I like it a lot.” He put a hand on her ass to feel her move as she fucked herself with him. With the other hand, he pinched her nipple again. Nina responded by moving faster. “Yes! Hurt me, boss!” Luis gave her a strong squeeze. Nina threw her head back in ecstasy. He felt her come, her pussy contracting around his cock. With her orgasm, she had stopped moving. Frustrated, Luis pushed her aside. He climbed on top of her. Nina's eyes widened in surprise as he entered her again. “Now I’m going to show you that I can fuck you perfectly well from the top.” He grabbed her thighs to spread her legs wide, pushing them up. “Of course, boss! Show me what a real man can do to me!” He began to pump her hard, at first slow and deep, then gradually increasing the pace. Nina grabbed him by his shoulders, as if wanting to push him off. Instead, her hands moved down his sides and down his hips to end up squeezing his buttocks, which contracted with every thrust. As he began to come inside her, he heard her scream and felt her shake with another orgasm. Luis rolled to one side, filled with vague suspicions and remorse. Nina turned towards him and kissed him on the lips. “Damn, I feel so good! Clearly, I needed a good fuck like this!” “I'm glad you had a good time, Nina. I enjoyed it, too.” “You are an incredible lover, Don Luis. I really enjoyed riding you. And, after that, you behaved like a real animal!” “I think I'd better go sleep in the other bed.” “No, no, please!” Nina grabbed him by the arms. “Let’s sleep together. I need to feel your skin against mine. I've been lonely for so long!” “Well, I hope we're not too uncomfortable.” “We won’t be, you'll see. Let me take the condom off. And your legs.”

A spanking weaves an erotic theme using the position of the bodies, force of the slaps, cadence and ritual. What do we like in a spanking? If you like spanking, you are in good company. Most people do. A recent study (Herbenick et al., 2020) showed that 77% of men and 54% of women had spanked somebody, and 46% of men and 66% of women had been spanked. People like spanking for different reasons, but they usually include some of these things: Erotic pain. A sexual spanking doesn’t need to be painful, and most spankings involve only light pain. However, for a lot of people, the quality and intensity of the pain are important parts of the spanking. Physical contact. Besides pain, a spanking involves many physical sensations and skin-to-skin contact between the spanker and the spankee. The butt is an erogenous zone and a target of sexual desire. It becomes the focus of attention during a spanking. Vulnerability. Among the psychological drives of a spanking, there is the feeling of vulnerability brought by exposing an intimate part of the body to the touch and infliction of pain by the spanker. Humiliation. The positions in which spankings are given are embarrassing. The spankee is partially immobilized or compelled not to escape, making her or him feel defenseless. Baring the bottom is intimate and sexual. Moans, cries and struggling elicited by the spanking add to the humiliation. Submission. For some couples, spanking represents dipping their toes into the power exchange of having one partner take control over the other. The ability to undress, embarrass, infantilize and give pain to somebody are powerful and tangible ways to demonstrate dominance. Infantilization. The fact that a spanking is traditionally a punishment for children is another thing to consider, even if this is kept out of mind. Some people may do spankings as part of age-play or a Daddy-little interaction. However, most people who are into spanking prefer not to think about its connection with the corporal punishment of children. I am completely against spanking children and non-consensual spanking of adults. Punishment. Another important facet of spanking is that it is a traditional form of punishment. While some couples may brush over this fact, for others is central. Positions for spanking I wrote another article about this, Eleven Great Positions for a Spanking, including illustrations of each position. Here is a summary of these positions: Standing. Both the spanker and spankee stand. This is normally used for a quick, impromptu spanking. Under the arm. Also used for a short, impromptu spanking. The spanker stands and forces the spankee to bend over, holding her under one arm while hitting her bottom with the other hand. Works well when the spanker is strong and the spankee light, in which case the spankee may even be lifted from the floor to increase her vulnerability. Bending over furniture. The spankee is bent over a table, desk, bed, back of an armchair, etc. A hand on the lower back can hold the spankee in position quite effectively. Over the lap. The spanker sits down and pulls the spankee face down across his lap. This is the most traditional spanking position, but only works well if the spanker is bigger and heavier than the spankee. Over the knee. This is a better alternative to the over the lap position if the spankee is heavy. Instead of sitting on a chair, the spanker sits on the floor or the bed with support for his back. Then the spankee can lay across his legs with most of his or her weight on the floor or the bed. Straddling the thigh. The spanker sits on a chair or armchair. The spankee faces him, straddling one of his thighs and leaning on the back of the armchair. This position opens the crack and puts pressure on the genitals, something women may like and men find uncomfortable. Leg lock. The objective is to partly immobilize the spankee to increase vulnerability and minimize struggle. From a sitting position, the spanker puts the spankee between his legs and bents her over one of his thighs. Alternatively, in the ‘straddling the tight’ position, the spanker traps the leg of the spankee caught between his legs with his free leg. Leg scissors. On a flat surface, like the floor or the bed, the spankee is placed over the lap of the spanker. Then the spanker traps the leg of the spankee further from him with one of his legs. This opens the legs of the spankee at the same time that immobilizes her. This position can be done in such a way that the crotches of the participants are in contact, making it very sexual. Straddling the spankee. The best way to immobilize a spankee is to straddle her on her lower back, facing her feet. Then her bottom can be beaten like a drum. The problem is that a heavy spanker can hurt the lower back of the spankee. This can be solved by finding ways not to put the full weight of the spanker on the spankee, for example, by straddling her while the spanker kneels or stands. Diaper position. Unlike other positions, the spankee lies on the back and faces up. The spanker then lifts the legs of the spankee until the bottom is exposed for a beating. To free the hands, the spanker may place the ankles of the spankee on his shoulder. One advantage of this position is that the spanker can see the face of the spankee. It stretches the butt and the upper thighs, increasing the potential for pain and vulnerability. Bending the legs further down towards the head opens the crack and exposes the genitals. Wheelbarrow position. The spanker sits on an armchair, sofa or bed, and the spankee sits on his lap facing away from him. Then the spankee bends forward until she is upside down, head on the floor, hips trapped between the spanker’s thighs, and legs are under his arms. The bottom of the spankee is now on the spanker’s lap, crack open, ready to the beaten like a drum. This position may be a bit difficult to achieve, but unsurpassed for the feeling of vulnerability and humiliation. Pain in spanking: sting or thud? Strictly speaking, a spanking is the beating of the buttocks with the hand, and not with a paddle, belt, flogger or other implement. This limits the amount of pain that can be delivered, given the weight, softness and fragility of the hand of the spanker. Pain given to the butt can be of two different qualities. Stinging pain is produced at the skin by the compression of air over it. It feels sharp and prickling, and leaves a tingle and a warmth. Thudding pain is produced by a blunt impact on the deeper layers of the skin and the muscle. It’s a dull form of pain that leaves an ache and no warmth. The lash of a light whip is pure sting. A kick in the butt is pure thud. You can find information about the nerve fibers involved in these two kinds of pain in The Neuroscience of Spanking. I used to assume that the erotic quality of the pain of a spanking was because it’s mostly sting. However, I have met a lot of people who prefer thuddy pain. They like being punched or even kicked in the butt. However, spanking is not a good way to deliver that kind of pain. Still, these people may enjoy being spanked with a rigid hand, glancing blows, or receive an occasional punch. In any case, the following recommendations are to deliver a stingy spanking. How to use your hands for a spanking To maximize the stinginess of a spanking and the subsequent warm afterglow, the whole surface of the hand should impact the skin at the same time, trapping the maximum amount of air underneath. Keep the fingers together and cup the hand to match the curvature of the buttock. Relax the wrist to allow the hand to flop over the butt, instead of hitting it like a rigid paddle. Hitting from a short distance allows more control and does not produce much pain. Lifting the hand high in the air lets in gather more speed and recruit the momentum of the arm, so the impact will have more force. However, this allows less control on where and how the hand will hit the butt. Normally, the butt is hit perpendicularly to the skin. Some people like to use glancing slaps, which provide a more thuddy sensation. Topography of the bottom What part of the bottom is hit is also important for a spanking connoisseur. An artful spanking hits different parts of the butt with different frequency and force, and this depends on the preferences of the spankee and the effect we want to achieve. The parts of the butt are: The cusp is the top of the buttocks, the area of maximal curvature. The crack separates the two buttocks and hides the anus. The crease is the wrinkle that separates the buttocks from the thighs. Some bottoms have two or even three creases. The sweet spot or sitting spot is the area between the cusp and the crease. It’s what comes in contact with the chair when we sit. The sides of the buttocks are to the left and right of the cusp, towards the head of the femur. The upper buttocks are above the cusp toward the hips. The upper thigh is not part of the butt, but it is often hit in a spanking. Usually, a spanking is delivered to the sweet spot and the cusp. Hitting the sweep spot will leave a reminder for when the spankee sits down. It will be also felt by both partners during doggy style intercourse. On purpose or by mistake, slaps aimed at the sweet spot often hit the crease and the upper thigh. This is also erotic. But keep in mind that the thigh is more sensitive to pain than the buttocks, and also more fragile because the hamstring muscle is tighter and more dense than the glutes. The sides and upper buttocks are also more sensitive to pain, and less erotic. They are often left out of a spanking, but a few slaps can be delivered there to produce a full-bottom spanking. The crack is extremely sensitive and intimate, so hitting it is normally reserved for hard-core spankees. Hitting the anus is very painful because it’s made of mucosa - the same thin skin found in the inside of the mouth or on the inner labia of the pussy. Some people call hitting the anus “penalty slaps” but this should be done with caution. Spanking the crack requires a position that opens it, like straddling the thigh, the diaper or the wheelbarrow positions. Other parts of the body - inner thighs, calves, sole of the feet, pussy - can be spanked, but this is a different matter from the one addressed in this article. Cadence Another important part of a spanking is the rhythm with which the slaps are delivered. There are many possibilities and countless combinations. An even rhythm lets the spankee know when the next slap is coming. A hard, even spanking maintained over a long period of time creates a feeling of inevitability and defenseless. If it’s less hard, an even spanking lets the spankee becomes lost in the sensation and the fantasy, possibly leading to sexual arousal and sub-space. An uneven rhythm, especially if combined with spanks of different force, keeps the spankee on edge. It forces her or him to pay attention to the spanker. It prevents going away to become lost in fantasies. Very fast spanks quickly build up the pain, transforming it into a continuous sensation. However, if the spanks are not hard, this can provide an erotic stimulation of the butt that can feel playful, even funny. A slow, hard spanking lets the spankee recover from the pain of the previous slap and start anticipating the next. Combined with raising the hand high in the air, this conveys a message of power, domination and punishment. A burst of quick, hard spanks is great when we want to elicit a response from the spankee, like answering a question. It is common to interrupt a spanking to gently stroke the bottom. This allows the spankee to take a break from the pain and reconnect emotionally with the spanker. Some kind words help. It is also a good moment to ask the spankee if she is okay - in most positions the spanker will not be able to see her face. While doing this, the spanker enjoys the softness and the warmth of the skin. However, interrupting a spanking when the spankee is deep into the fantasy, especially if it is a punishment or power play, can totally ruin the scene. Structure, theme and ritual By structure, I mean what happens in a spanking, from beginning to end. Normally, we want to begin with a warm-up, with soft, slow slaps, building up the force and the cadence to a climax, then continuing with caresses and softer slaps to a soft landing. Then there should be aftercare and, possibly, sex. However, it is more complicated than that. An artful spanking has a story to it, a theme. It often follows a certain ritual. For example, it can be a punishment or pretend punishment (‘funishment’) in which the spanks are intermingled with scolding, and doesn’t end until the spankee promises to mend her ways. Or it can consist of dominating a brat who talks back and rebels until the pain reaches an intensity that subdues her. It can be a wrestling spanking, in which the spankee has to be overpowered and immobilized before being spanked, and may eventually escape and need to be recaptured. On the lighter side, the spanking can be purely erotic, and the communication about how aroused the spankee is getting. Spankings often incorporate an undressing ritual. The spanking may start over clothes, with the spankee fully dressed. This also ensures that the first slaps are not too painful. After the warm-up period, when the sexual tension starts to build up, pants are lowered or skirts are raised. The spanking proceeds over the panties or the underwear, which are eventually removed to announce the culmination of the spanking. The removal of clothes may be used as a threat to increase drama. Ideally, a spanking is a form of communication in which both the spanker and the spankee are active, each in his own role. The communication can be partially verbal. But the most important part is the spanker delivering an ongoing message with the force of the slaps, their cadence, the parts of the butt being hit. The spankee responds to this message with moans, cries, clenching and relaxing the glutes, kicking the legs, curling the toes, and many other non-verbal clues. One of the key skills of a good spanker is to be able to read these clues to empathize with what the spankee is feeling. This increases his pleasure and at the same time lets him introduce changes in the spanking for the enjoyment of the spankee. Afterglow In my opinion, one of the most erotic aspect of a spanking is that red-hot, hard-to-sit-on bottom that it leaves behind. I call this ‘afterglow.’ Scientifically speaking, what is happening is inflammation, characterized since antiquity as “calor, dolor, rubor and tumor” - heat, pain, redness and swelling. I explained the biochemical basis of this in The Neuroscience of Spanking. The afterglow may last from a few minutes to a day or two, depending of harshness of the spanking and the physiology of the spankee. Many spankees really like it, and it’s a turn-on for spankers as well. It makes doggy-style intercourse really hot. Afterglow can be increased by applying hot peppers (capsaicin) to the butt after a spanking. Aftercare An important part of any BDSM scene is the aftercare. It consists of comforting and bringing down the bottom partner from the state of pain, vulnerability and excitement achieved in by the scene. The top partner may also need aftercare to come down from his or her own high, reestablish emotional connection, and assuage feelings of guilt. Even if you don’t consider spanking BDSM, aftercare is necessary. If the spanking had a punishment or funishment theme, it may require clarifying that the debt has been paid (punishment) or that it was all a fantasy (funishment). If there was a domination theme, equal roles may need to be reestablished. Above all, tenderness and communication need to be affirmed. If the spanking was foreplay, sex would ensue. Aftercare can take place after that. Safety A spanking should be fully consensual, and the spankee should be able to withdraw consent at any moment. The best practice is to give the spankee a safeword to interrupt the spanking. Done correctly, spanking is a safe activity. Of course, there are always those who manage to screw things up. Spanking is hitting the butt. If you stray away from that cushiony area, you quickly run into trouble. It is unsafe to hit the hips, the sacrum or the lower back. These areas have no padding of muscle or fat, so you are hitting the bone. Impacting the kidneys - situated under the lower back - can be extremely dangerous. The lumbar area also has important nerves, like the sciatic nerve. Hitting the anus too hard may produce anal bleeding or anal fissures, which may require medical attention. Some people worry about bruising, because then others may see them and know that they have been spanked. On the other hand, many spankees relish their bruises and will proudly show them to anyone who asks. Bruising changes a lot from one spankee to another. The yellow-and-blue bruises happen when the capillaries in the skin break or leak red blood cells into the dermis. Hemoglobin - the red protein that carries oxygen in the erythrocytes - then degrades into a variety of compounds of different colors. That’s what gives bruises their colorful look. Bruises may take a week or more to disappear - the time it takes from those colorful compounds to be fully degraded and be washed away. Unless there is substantial internal bleeding - which is highly unlikely with a hand spanking of a healthy bottom - this process is not particularly dangerous. One safety issue that it is often disregarded concerns the hands of spanker. Spankers may develop tendinitis in the hand, the wrist or the elbow after administering a hard spanking. There is little warning. Tendinitis usually develops one or two days after the spanking, and may last a few days. Think about it… While the butt has all that nice cushioning to absorb the impact, the hand and the wrist are concentrated bone, ligaments and nerves. The laws of physics dictate that the force of the impact is equally distributed between the butt and the hand. This is why when a spankee wishes to upgrade to higher levels of pain, implements like paddles, straps or canes need to be used. But then we have upgraded to full BDSM territory. Note: Spankings occur in all possible gender combinations. I tried to avoid using gendered pronouns. When that was not possible, I assumed that the spanker is a man and the spankee a woman, which is somewhat more common. Copyright 2022 Hermes Solenzol.

A discussion of animal rights in terms of the mental properties that make humans ends-in-themselves and able to enter a Social Contract In this article, I argue that animals do not have rights and should not have rights. I must emphasize that I am not saying that animals should be subject to unnecessary suffering. What I am saying is that giving animals rights analogous to human rights is the wrong way to accomplish this goal. Instead, animals should be given legal protections, which are different from rights. Legal protections and rights are different things I have seen authors - intellectuals who I admire like Sam Harris and Steven Pinker - state categorically that animals have rights. However, this is factually wrong. No legal system in the world recognizes the rights of animals. What legal systems do is to grant legal protections to some animals, which is something entirely different. There are many things that are granted legal protections: A national park is a legally protected piece of land. You cannot take animals, plants or even rocks from it. Building on it is generally prohibited, and even visiting it can be restricted. An endangered species is protected by law. You cannot kill endangered plants or animals. The environment in which they live is also protected, to the point of prohibiting building in it or even visiting it. A public monument is protected by the law against theft or vandalism. This article is protected by law against plagiarism and censorship, because these things would infringe on my rights as an author. As we can see, legal protections are put in place to protect things - tangible things like parks and monuments or intangible things like species and books - because they benefit society or persons to do so. They protect the rights of people or the common good, but the things being protected do not have rights themselves. Today, the law of most countries gives some animals legal protections. You cannot torture a stray dog. Even if the dog has no owner whose rights are being infringed on by what you do to it, society has decided that it is unethical to make a dog suffer. However, this does not apply to a roach or a starfish, because most people agree that these animals do not suffer. Therefore, legal protection of animals is species specific. They are also context specific. A sewer rat can be given a poison that will kill it slowly and painfully, but the same thing cannot be done to a lab rat. Human rights “Human rights are moral principles or norms for certain standards of human behavior and are regularly protected in municipal and international law. They are commonly understood as inalienable, fundamental rights ‘to which a person is inherently entitled simply because she or he is a human being’ and which are ‘inherent in all human beings’, regardless of their age, ethnic origin, location, language, religion, ethnicity, or any other status. They are applicable everywhere and at every time in the sense of being universal, and they are egalitarian in the sense of being the same for everyone.” Wikipedia. In Western societies, we take human rights for granted. However, human rights are still not respected in a large part of the world. Many countries, notoriously Russia, North Korea and Islamic countries, have legal systems that violate human rights. Other countries, like China, respect human rights in principle but not in practice. We have a long way to go to make human rights a universal moral code. Human rights are also a recent invention. Many of the basic ideas that animated the human rights movement developed in the aftermath of the Second World War and the events of the Holocaust, culminating in the adoption of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in Paris by the United Nations General Assembly in 1948. Ancient peoples did not have the same modern-day conception of universal human rights. Wikipedia. One reason why animals should not have rights is that this would undermine our ongoing fight for human rights. Moreover, most human rights are meaningless when applied to animals. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights consists of 30 articles. Article 1 states that these articles apply to human beings because “they are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.” Of these 30 articles, only a few could be potentially applied to animals: Article 3: right to life, freedom and security. Article 4: no one should be held in slavery or servitude. Article 5: “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.” Basically, people who want animal rights think that they should not be killed, imprisoned or used for human benefit. Full application of these principles would mean abolishing the use of animals for food (meat, fish, cheese and dairy), clothing (fur, wool, leather, feathers and silk), in exhibits (zoos and aquariums), to hunt and fish, as pets, and for scientific research. In addition, we would not be able to fight animals that attack us, invade our cities and our homes, or are parasites (rats, mice, roaches, ants, mosquitoes, ticks, worms, etc.) This is not a trivial matter. It would entail profound changes in our societies affecting the well-being of every single human being. Future generations would not enjoy the benefit of new medication produced by biomedical research. Many poor countries would simply not be able to afford these changes. Of course, we could also choose to give animals partial rights, so we could still use for worthwhile endeavors (I think scientific research should come first) while still protecting them from unnecessary suffering. But this is my position, known as “animal welfare” as opposed to “animal rights.” Protecting animals from suffering does not require giving them rights. It just requires giving them legal protections. An often forgotten question is which animals should be given rights. Most people would cringe at the idea that they would have the same rights as roaches. However, granting different rights to different species would be “speciecist.” Any principles (brain size, consciousness, ability to suffer, etc.) that we put forth to make these distinctions would inevitably put human at the top of the legal protections. Therefore, it is important that we carefully examine the philosophical and scientific basis for why human have rights and animals should or should not have them. Kant’s categorical imperative as a foundation to human rights Humans have rights because of who we are: conscious, autonomous beings with free will. It goes back to the philosopher Immanuel Kant and his categorical imperative (second formulation): “You act with reference to every rational being (whether yourself or another) so that it is an end in itself in your maxim” (Wikipedia). Humans are ends in themselves, so it is unethical to treat them solely as means to an end. The problem with this is that we treat other human beings all the time as means to an end. If I go get a haircut, isn’t the barber a means to my end? Well, not exactly, because in the process I also take into consideration the barber’s own goals, like getting paid for the haircut. I may also engage in conversation with him, partaking of his life experience as an Apache (this actually happens). By talking to him, I recognize his humanity. Why animals are not “ends in themselves” At this point, you may think of your favorite pet and say: “Wait a second! Why is not my Fido an end-in-itself?” After all, animals appear to have their own goals, just like we do. They want to come and go as they please, to eat, to drink, to nap… And most of all, they want to stay alive. How are those goals different from ours? Isn’t denying their goals while protecting ours an act of species egoism, of “speciesism”? According to scientists like Stuart Kaufmann - in his latest book, A World Beyond Physics: The Emergence and Evolution of Life - agency is a feature of all living beings. He calls agency the ability of life to organize its functions in order to survive and reproduce itself. He points out that without this idea, it is hard to explain saying things like “the function of the heart is to pump blood.” The pumping of the blood seems to serve a goal - moving the blood to oxygenate and nourish the organs of the body - which is just part of the larger goal of keeping the body alive. From this point of view, all living beings are agents because their essence is to keep on living, to survive. Reproduction is just an extension of this: to keep life going in future generations. However, having this sort of agency doesn’t make living being ends in themselves because they do this in an unconscious, automatic way. There is no more purpose to their agency than there is purpose in the Earth turning around the Sun. When scientists say that the goal of living beings is to survive, the word “goal” is used as a metaphor. Having goals implies conscious planning, and this is something that only humans can do. Only humans? Aren’t some animals capable of planning, too? The key word in that sentence is “conscious.” Animal consciousness is an extremely hard scientific and philosophical problem that hasn’t been solved yet. However, we know about some differences between the human and the animal minds that shed light on whether animals can formulate goals in a way that makes them end-in-themselves. Unique properties of the human mind that allow us to have conscious goals I explored the characteristics that differentiate humans from animals in another article: Not just intelligence: Why humans deserve to be treated better than animals. The most important ones for this discussion are: Extended Consciousness: This is a term coined by neuroscientist Antonio Damasio (Damasio, 1999) that refers to our capacity to see ourselves as selves that existed in the past and will continue to exist in the future. Some animals - like dogs and cats - have what Damasio calls “core consciousness”: they have a sense of self limited to the present. Extended consciousness is not the same as having memories. It is realizing that the entity that we see in those memories is the same self that we perceive now (Suddendorf and Corballis, 2007). Without realizing that we are a self that persists over time, it is not possible to have a conscious goal, because that means planning for a future state of our self. Although some animals may be conscious, they have what Antonio Damasio calls “core consciousness” - feelings of the present moment -, not extended consciousness. Theory of mind: This is the ability to model the minds of other people in our own minds. For example, we are able to imagine the emotions of a friend who we see crying, the next move of our chess adversary, or whether our business partner plans to cheat us. Novelists can keep alive in their minds characters who think, feel and act in ways very different from the writer. Theory of mind is not having the abstract idea that other people have minds, but the ability to make a model of their minds inside our mind that includes their emotions. Therefore, theory of mind encompasses both cognition and emotion, it is what allows us to feel the emotions of other people. We try to model the minds of animals, too, but in doing so we make the mistake of believing that the minds of animals are similar to our own minds, an error called anthropomorphizing. Animals and young children do not have a theory of mind (Penn and Povinelli, 2007). Recent research found a vestigial theory of mind in chimps (Krupenye et al., 2016), but this is a far call from the multiple recursive theory of mind that we have: “I know that you know that I know that you are lying.” Since theory of mind let us feel the emotions and the suffering of others, it is the basis of human empathy and compassion (Gu et al., 2010; Preis et al., 2013) - to walk in somebody else’s shoes - and not the mere contagion of emotions that we find in animals. It also allows us to understand the consequences of our actions, how what we do may cause happiness or suffering in others. Hence, it is the foundation of our moral sense, our conscience. Social emotions, like shame, pride, guilt, envy, fairness, loyalty, awe and regret, are absent in animals. They also form the foundation of our social behavior, our ethics and our conscious planning. Emotions are our motivators, the drivers of our actions. Human emotions are what give human goals their meaning. In the past, the idea that humans and animals had a different moral status was based on religious beliefs. Humans had souls and animals didn’t. In a scientific worldview, we abandoned those religious beliefs, leading a lot of people to think that humans and animals are basically the same. If humans and animals had the same moral status, then there is no logical reason why they should not be treated the same way. If humans have rights, animals should have them, too. However, science is starting to show that the minds of humans and animals differ in ways that are ethically meaningful. Of course, since we are the products of evolution, these unique properties of the human mind show gradually in the most complex mammals and birds. Still, some epic change must have happened in the evolution of our ancestors that changed their minds into ours. It was not just intelligence, or language, or even theory of mind and extended consciousness, but a synergy of changes that produced an entirely new type of being: the human being. Neuroscientists like Bud Craig have mapped the growth of certain regions of the brain cortex during human evolution that seem to be responsible for these changes: the anterior insula (Craig, 2009, 2011), the anterior cingulate cortex and the prefrontal cortex (Craig, 2010). For example, while the posterior insula integrates sensations and emotions, the anterior insula is able to imagine hypothetical sensations and emotions: “if I hit my toe with this hammer, this is what it would feel like.” This can form the basis for theory of mind. Likewise, the anterior cingulate cortex is in charge of formulating complex goals, which are evaluated by the prefrontal cortex for their social and ethical value. One of the main benefits of having rights is that they make us feel safe about our future because we know that a society with human rights will protect us from being harmed by others. Extended consciousness allow us to see ourselves as beings with a future. Theory of mind lets us peek into the minds of other people and partake of their suffering and their happiness. Social emotions like guilt and shame make other people feel bad if they harm us. All that forms the psychological frame that motivates us to fight for our rights and the rights of other people. Animals, not having these mental properties, cannot conceive what rights are, do not feel the need to have rights, and do not derive any feeling of safety from having rights. Animals live in the present and only care about how they feel in the present, not about what may happen to them in the future. The Social Contract as a foundation to human rights Apart from the Kantian end-on-itself view, a more practical foundation for human rights is the idea of the Social Contract. “In moral and political philosophy, the social contract is a theory or model that originated during the Age of Enlightenment and usually concerns the legitimacy of the authority of the state over the individual. Social contract arguments typically are that individuals have consented, either explicitly or tacitly, to surrender some of their freedoms and submit to the authority (of the ruler, or to the decision of a majority) in exchange for protection of their remaining rights or maintenance of the social order.” Wikipedia. Basically, the idea is that I respect your rights if you agree to respect mine, and we both agree that the State is the ultimate arbiter to resolve our differences. In the process, we grant the State the monopoly of violence to enable it to administer rights and responsibilities. Laws, armies, police, jails and the whole paraphernalia of the modern State follows from this. Animals are unable to enter a Social Contract According to this view of human rights, animals do not have rights because they are intrinsically unable to enter a social contract. If you agree with a lion that you won’t shoot it if it doesn’t try to eat you, the next thing you know is that the lion is pouncing on you when you turn your back on it. It has been tried with different animals and in different ways, and it just doesn’t work. The human always ends up being bitten, clawed, gored, mauled or stomped. Entering a social contract requires extended consciousness to see how it benefits our future self; theory of mind to understand how the suffering of others is identical to our own suffering; human emotions like shame, pride, guilt and fairness to understand its meaning, not just intellectually, but emotionally. The animal brain is incapable of even beginning to understand a social contract. You might as well ask a rock to sing. Without understanding the social contract, an animal cannot reciprocate any rights we give it. This is important, because our social order is one made not just of rights but of responsibilities. We acquire rights at the same time we accept responsibility. We may be born with a right to life, but all our other rights are granted as we take on responsibilities. Thus, we get the right to open a bank account at the same time that we get the responsibility to pay taxes. We get a driver’s license and the responsibility of paying fines or going to jail if we drive recklessly. It doesn’t make sense to give animals rights when they cannot take on any responsibility. But there is more. Having a right only really makes sense if you understand that you have that right. You may give dogs and cats all the rights you want; they will never get it. Without the mental properties that I list above, animals would never understand that they have rights. Therefore, they will not get the psychological benefits that humans get from knowing that we have rights. There is also a practical concern: since an animal doesn’t understand that it has rights, it cannot defend them. What would happen, in practice, is that some humans would appoint themselves as defenders of animal rights. In fact, this is what animal rights activists do. The result would be a transfer of power to the activists, who are likely to use it for their own benefit. They would become a new priestly class who, instead of interpreting the will of God, will translate to the rest of us the wishes of the animals under their protection. Not a bad racket, when you think about it. Utilitarianism: “But do they suffer?” Another major body of ethical philosophy is Utilitarianism. “In ethical philosophy, utilitarianism is a family of normative ethical theories that prescribe actions that maximize happiness and well-being for all affected individuals. Although different varieties of utilitarianism admit different characterizations, the basic idea behind all of them is, in some sense, to maximize utility, which is often defined in terms of well-being or related concepts.” Wikipedia. For some reason, utilitarian philosophers like Jeremy Bentham and Peter Singer have been the most staunch proponents of animal rights. Peter Singer is credited for having launched the animal rights movement. I think the link between utilitarianism and animal rights is due to two basic ideas: They assume that animals have the same moral status as humans. Since utilitarianism pursues the wellbeing of all individuals, and animals qualify as individuals, then the wellbeing of animals must be taken into consideration. The first assumption is not explicitly stated, much less justified, by the utilitarians. I have argued against it above. It is also absurd on its face because, if animals have the same moral status as humans, then all animals have the same moral status. This would make us treat a mosquito the same way we treat a dog. This is absurd and would prevent us from being able to fight parasites, as pointed out in the article Speciesism and the “Fleas on Dog” Ethical Dilemma. The problem of animal suffering in a serie is addressed s of articles in Speaking of Research: Pain Is Not Suffering. The Uniqueness of Human Suffering. More thoughts on animal suffering. The main idea in these articles is that pain is not the same as suffering, and that humans suffer in particular ways in which animals do not. I call this “deep suffering” because it requires extended consciousness, theory of mind and culture. Moreover, since suffering requires consciousness, only some species of animals can suffer. This solves the problem of why it is ethical to treat some animals better than others. It also justifies why we should prioritize human suffering over animal suffering. Therefore, even if we adopt the utilitarian perspective of maximizing wellbeing, we cannot equate human wellbeing with animal wellbeing. For many animals - ants, corals, clams, barnacles, shrimp, jellies, starfish - the concept of wellbeing is not appropriate at all. Even if they have agency - all living beings do - they do so as unconscious automatons. Animal rights are not necessary to treat animals well Giving animals rights is not the best way to ensure their wellbeing. The concept of rights is not useful at all when applied to animals because rights only make sense when the being who has them understands them. The best way to ensure animal wellbeing is to give them legal protections. This is the position of animal welfare, as opposed to animal rights. Having the law protect animals against suffering, abuse and mistreatment bypasses the difficult philosophical problems of them being ends-in-themselves, conscious and able to suffer. We can simply determine that it is wrong to treat animals a certain way because of who we are, not because of who they are. It is wrong to make animals suffer, just like it is wrong to destroy a national park or cause a species to go extinct. We value things - national parks, species, monument, works of art and animal wellbeing - because it is in our human nature to do so. Isn’t that enough? Further reading: Should animal rights be included in the progressive slate? References Craig AD (2009) How do you feel--now? The anterior insula and human awareness. Nat Rev Neurosci 10:59-70. Craig AD (2010) The sentient self. Brain Struct Funct 214:563-577. Craig AD (2011) Significance of the insula for the evolution of human awareness of feelings from the body. Ann N Y Acad Sci 1225:72-82. Damasio AR (1999) The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness. San Diego, New York, London: Harcourt, Inc. Gu X, Liu X, Guise KG, Naidich TP, Hof PR, Fan J (2010) Functional Dissociation of the Frontoinsular and Anterior Cingulate Cortices in Empathy for Pain. Journal of Neuroscience 30:3739-3744. Krupenye C, Kano F, Hirata S, Call J, Tomasello M (2016) Great apes anticipate that other individuals will act according to false beliefs. Science 354:110-114. Penn DC, Povinelli DJ (2007) On the lack of evidence that non-human animals possess anything remotely resembling a 'theory of mind'. Philos Trans R Soc Lond B Biol Sci 362:731-744. Preis MA, Schmidt-Samoa C, Dechent P, Kroener-Herwig B (2013) The effects of prior pain experience on neural correlates of empathy for pain: An fMRI study. Pain 154:411-418. Suddendorf T, Corballis MC (2007) The evolution of foresight: What is mental time travel, and is it unique to humans? Behav Brain Sci 30:299-313; discussion 313-251.

The majority of prostitutes choose their work — the real moral failure of human trafficking is the exploitation of immigrants from poor countries The difference between prostitution and sexual slavery This is the one Big Lie about prostitution. It has been denounced in prestigious medical journals, like The Lancet (Butcher, 2003; Steen et al., 2015) and others (Decker, 2013). But politicians are paying no heed. They use the words “prostitution” and “trafficking” interchangeably, like they are the same thing. It is true that some prostitutes are coerced into sex work. Common definitions of sex trafficking include two different set of criteria: 1) minors under the age of 18 years being sexually exploited (Willis and Levy, 2002), or 2) adults doing sex work “under conditions of force, fraud or coercion” (Decker, 2013; Steen et al., 2015). Forced sex work should not be called prostitution, but sexual slavery. Sex with minors is statutory rape. Scientists have also pointed out that this lie has grave consequences, not just for the sex workers, but also for the general population, because it seriously undermines the prevention of HIV and other sexually-transmitted diseases (Ditmore and Saunders, 1998; Steen et al., 2015). What percentage of prostitutes are “trafficked”? The excuse for this deliberate confusion is that most prostitutes are trafficked, as the Spanish newspaper El País proclaimed in its editorial of September 4, 2018, without any evidence. In fact, it is far from clear how many women who get paid for sex are forced into it (“trafficked”). This is not by accident. Research into this topic seems to be purposely discouraged. Or maybe it’s just that doing statistics on a business in which the worker, the client and the manager risk being thrown in jail is extremely hard. When research is done, it is in developing countries in South Asia like India, Thailand or Bangladesh (Decker, 2013). Then their conclusions are mindlessly applied to create legislation in Europe and the United States. A study carried out by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, Trafficking in Persons to Europe for the Purpose of Sexual Exploitation (PDF in Spanish; details on pages 7-9) addresses the dimension of prostitution in Europe and the percentage that comes from sexual exploitation. Number of victims of trafficking identified in Western and Central Europe (in 2006): 7,300 victims. Assuming that only one out of 20 victims is identified, the total figure would be 7,300 x 20 = 146,000 victims. This assumption is from the UN report, not mine. Estimated number of prostitutes in 25 European countries: 700,000 prostitutes. Extrapolating to the total population of Europe gives about one million prostitutes. 146,000 victims / 1,000,000 prostitutes = 14.6% of the prostitutes are victims of sexual exploitation in Europe. There is great a study by Aella in her blog Knowingless. She compares different sources for the number of prostitutes trafficked in the USA: “So in the US: the Trafficking In Persons report says ~16,000 newly trafficked per year (if we assume 2 years spent trafficked, this is ~32,000 currently sex trafficked). The Human Rights Center report says 4,600 currently sex trafficked, the Ohio study says (maybe?) ~76,000 currently sex trafficked, and mine says ~39,000 currently sex trafficked. I don’t know if averaging these is the right thing to do, but I did it anyway, which leaves us with 37,900 (or ~0.01% of the US population).” What Percentage of Sex Workers in the US are Trafficked? by Aella. She estimates the number of sex workers in the USA as being between 830,000 and 1,200,000, which is similar to the number for Europe. Putting both numbers together, she concludes: “So: given my estimated sex trafficking prevalence, I estimate about 3.2% of active, in-person sex workers in the US are currently being sex trafficked.” What Percentage of Sex Workers in the US are Trafficked? by Aella. Using the numbers she gives, the higher and lower boundaries for the percentage of prostitutes trafficked in the USA would be 9.5% and 0.38%. Even the higher number is still lower than the estimate in the UN study for Europe. I think that their assumption that only 1 in 20 victims is identified is wrong. This assumption involves a lot of guesswork, and can significantly change the resulting percentages. In any case, even the higher estimates show that it is false to equate prostitution with trafficking. The great majority of prostitutes choose this work voluntarily. The real human trafficking: immigration from poor countries A fact that is rarely discussed about human trafficking is that a lot of people want to be trafficked - in the sense of wanting to migrate from poor, developing countries in Africa, South Asia and Central and South America to the rich, developed countries of Europe and North America. They are so desperate to do this that they are willing to risk their lives in the process. Being exploited for their labor - including sexual labor - it’s not the worse outcome they face. Much worse is to die, lose their children, being forcibly sterilized, or being imprisoned at the hands of the same State that sanctimoniously preaches against the horrors of prostitution. Undocumented women from Mexico or Central America crossing the border into the USA assume that they are likely to be raped on their way. These women, and those crossing the Mediterranean in precarious boats to reach Spain, Italy or Greece, have to give large sums of money to their coyotes or smugglers. Often, they don’t have money at hand, so they assume a debt to the smugglers. Prostitution is just the most expeditious way to pay that debt. Of course, this is coerced sex, but the fact that sex is involved is not the most salient moral issue here. It is the economic injustice that forces people into these extremes. There have been cases in which immigrant women have been locked in secret factories and made to work excruciating hours in what can only be described as modern-day slavery. Others have been forced to work as intern maids in the households of the rich. Often, their children are held as ransom. The immorality of confusing prostitution and human trafficking Most prostitutes are not trafficked. Most trafficked women are not prostituted. These two things are confused on purpose to advance a repressive ideology that could not gain traction otherwise. This is a huge ethical failure. It involves turning a blind eye to an injustice much larger than sexual exploitation: the steep difference in wealth between rich countries and the poor countries that they colonized in the past and continue to exploit economically. Famine and violence make life in some of these poor countries so harsh that the risks of migration seem the most rational option. If you lived there, you would want to be trafficked, too. References Butcher K (2003) Confusion between prostitution and sex trafficking. Lancet 361:1983. Decker MR (2013) Sex trafficking, sex work, and violence: evidence for a new era. Int J Gynaecol Obstet 120:113-114. Ditmore M, Saunders P (1998) Sex work and sex trafficking. Sex Health Exch:15. Steen R, Jana S, Reza-Paul S, Richter M (2015) Trafficking, sex work, and HIV: efforts to resolve conflicts. Lancet 385:94-96. Willis BM, Levy BS (2002) Child prostitution: global health burden, research needs, and interventions. Lancet 359:1417-1422.

Excerpt from my novel Games of Love and Kink Madrid, Saturday June 4, 1977 Lorenzo let them into his house. It was a small apartment on the ground floor of a two-story building. The main door opened directly to a rectangular living room with white walls. At the other end, there was a sliding glass door that opened to an inner patio with a pair of motorcycles scrapped for parts, and other junk. The other rooms were on the right: first a tiny kitchen, then a recess that hid two doors to the bedroom and bathroom. The furniture was quite Spartan: a rectangular dining table next to the entrance and, in the back, a three-seat sofa, a coffee table and a turntable. The entire wall on the left was covered with bookshelves. “Wow, you have so many books!” said Cecilia. “Not what you’d expect from a simple mechanic, right?” said Julio. “Lorenzo is actually a self-taught intellectual. He has read everything.” A smell of lamb roast with rosemary filled the place. “Come to the table, Cecilia,” said Julio. “That smell is making my mouth water!” “Me too!” she said, sitting down by him. Lorenzo came out of the kitchen with a platter of meat. “Help yourselves.” Lorenzo picked up the bottle of Rioja wine and uncorked it. “See? I told you this guy cooks like a chef! We should do something to thank him.” With a playful smile, Julio unfastened the buttons of her blouse. Cecilia let him do it, directing a mischievous look at Lorenzo. “What the hell are you guys doing?” “Just letting her tits out, to make lunch a bit more pleasant.” Julio took off her blouse and dropped it on the floor. “Like in Peña Sirio, right, Lorenzo? Remember? You couldn’t peel your eyes from me!” “So, you’re at it again?” “No worries, you’re with friends. Come on, just look at her and enjoy yourself, damn it!” Julio and Lorenzo drained the bottle of wine. She didn’t have any. There was custard for dessert, which she loved. Lorenzo then invited them to sit on the sofa, where he served them coffee and Galician herbal liquor. He tried to act normally, but his hands shook a little and his eyes constantly wandered towards her chest. He took out a chunk of marijuana wrapped in foil from his pocket and rolled a joint. “Shall we play some music?” she asked. “Yes, take your pick,” said Lorenzo, absorbed in his task. Julio watched them with an amused air, taking small sips of his liquor. She rummaged through his records. She chose the LP Entre Dos Aguasof the flamenco guitarist Paco de Lucía. She went to sit on the couch, pushing Julio aside so she could squeeze between them. Lorenzo, taking slow pulls from his joint, moved away from her. “Don’t move away,” she said with a teasing smile. “Today, you may touch me. Right, Julio?” “Yes, man, don’t be shy! Enjoy! Today is your birthday!” “You guys are messing with me, aren’t you?” “No, man, we’re totally serious! You can touch Cecilia all you want.” “Damn, man! She’s your girlfriend! How can I touch her?” “This way, look! You caress her breast like this, then you squeeze it.” Julio demonstrated. “Can you see how firm they are? Then you pinch the nipple a bit to get it hard, like this!” Julio’s hand evoked shivers of pleasure all over her body. “Come on Lorenzo, get in the mood!” she said. “I know you are dying to do it.” Lorenzo left the joint in the ashtray and put his hand on her other tit, caressing it, first softly, then weighing it, squeezing it. Julio continued his demonstration. Being fondled by two guys was deliciously perverse. The notes of the guitar of Paco de Lucía streamed playfully, like the pleasure from her nipples. The drums of the rumba beat with the rhythm of her heart. Julio withdrew his hand, leaving her to Lorenzo, whose eyes were fixed on her chest with absolute concentration. After a while, he released her to give the joint another draw. She took the opportunity to sit on his lap. Lorenzo, holding the joint between his lips, placed a hand on each beast. She grabbed the edge of her miniskirt and slowly pushed it up, revealing her shaved pussy. “You guys have really turned me on! Do you want to touch my pussy to see how wet I am?” she whispered. Lorenzo seemed to wake up from his dream. He took his hands away from her chest and crushed the joint in the ashtray. “What are you trying to do? What the fuck is wrong with you?” “Come on, man, don’t get upset now!” said Julio. “We thought that, since today you’re old enough to vote, this might be a good time for you to lose your virginity. So I’m loaning you Cecilia so you can fuck her.” “You are out of your minds!” Lorenzo stood up so suddenly that she didn’t have time to get up from his knees, and fell on her butt. Lorenzo ran from the living room and locked himself in his bedroom. “That’s what I was afraid of! We screwed up!” said Julio. “Well, being shy is just natural.” She got up from the floor. “Come on, go talk to him!” Julio went to stand in front of the closed door. “Come on man, don’t be shy! I don’t mind, really! I know how much you like Cecilia.” He waited for a little while, but there was no answer. He returned to the living room. “It’s hopeless! We should leave.” “May I try?” “Go ahead… But I don’t think you’re going to get him to come out.” She went to the bedroom door. “Lorenzo, please, let me in! I just want to tell you something.” “You’ll end up traumatizing the poor guy,” Julio said, sitting on the couch. “He’s not a poor guy! He’s a man with a pair!” she said aloud so Lorenzo could hear her. “Come, Lorenzo, open up! Please, don’t make me speak through the door. That’s rude!” Lorenzo let her in, closing the door behind her. “It was my idea, I’m sorry. I wanted to be the one to take your virginity. It would mean so much to me! Come on, please!” she pleaded. Lorenzo looked at her tits. He was a bit pale. He approached her slowly. “It’s just that all this is so awkward, girl!” “Of course, I understand… You know? Maybe we shouldn’t have told you that this is your birthday present, as if we were doing you a favor. The truth is, I would like to do it. It would be a big disappointment for me if you rejected me, after going this far.” “But, what about Julio?” “He agrees, can’t you see? We talked it over. Please! I’m really turned-on!” She unzipped her skirt and let it drop to the floor. “See? Here I am, all naked for you! You do like me, don’t you?” “That’s not the problem. I like you a lot, but…” “You see, it’s like making a difficult move when you are climbing. You just get started and then your body knows what to do, right?” she ran her hand over the bulge in his pants. “I know you’re dying to do it, you dummy!” “Can’t we do it here?” “Well, it’s just that… this isn’t what I had agreed with Julio. What’s the matter, does it embarrass you that he watches us? You two are best buddies, aren’t you?” She grabbed his trousers and slowly unzipped them. She inserted two fingers into the fly. “Do you have any idea how much pleasure I can give you?” she intoned seductively as she rubbed the tip of his cock. “No, you don’t have the slightest idea of how utterly amazing is to make love! Being able to touch me wherever you want… And then push your cock inside me… Can you imagine how soft and warm is the inside of my pussy? And then being able to see the pleasure in my face while you fuck me. And when you come, it’s a thousand times better than when you jerk off! You’ll see!” As she spoke, she pulled down his underpants until he was able to wrap her fist around his rod, taking it out of his fly. She held it while she opened the door. He let her lead him by it to the living room. At the sight of Julio, Lorenzo stopped in his tracks. Realizing that she was humiliating him in front of his friend, Cecilia let go of his cock. She kneeled in front of him and put it in her mouth, feeling him shudder with pleasure. She unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them down, along with his underwear. All the while she sucked him gently, enough to capture his attention but without getting him too excited. She took it out of her mouth to admire it. It was the only cock she had seen other than Julio’s. It was long and thin, slightly curved upwards. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Julio watching them from the sofa. He looked nervous and excited. * * * Julio had mixed feelings as he watched Cecilia kneeling in front of Lorenzo, sucking his cock with total concentration. He had hoped that Lorenzo would refuse to have sex with her. He knew him well: deep down, he was a prude. Moreover, his strong sense of loyalty would make him refuse to do anything that could look like betrayal. But he had not taken into account Cecilia’s stubbornness and her unexpected talent for seduction. Besides, it seemed that there was already a certain intimacy between her and Lorenzo. That should have made him jealous. He wondered why it didn’t. Lorenzo stumbled, his ankles held by his pants. “Come, lay down on the rug,” Cecilia said. Lorenzo obeyed, and she carefully removed his shoes, pants and underpants. Naked, in profile in front of him, she was gorgeous. Her delicate gestures revealed a total dedication. Her gaze moved from Lorenzo’s slim body to him, as if to be sure that he was fine. When she had Lorenzo naked from the waist down, she began to make love to him, kissing the inside of his thighs, licking his balls, and putting her lips back on his swollen gland. It was a beautiful sight, loaded with eroticism. That’s why he wasn’t jealous. His own penis attested to it with a strong erection. Cecilia had taken over Lorenzo, had him completely subdued with her beauty and her skill. Just as Laura had subdued him when she took his virginity, doing something very similar to what Cecilia was now doing to Lorenzo. That thought bothered him. Cecilia was his sexual servant, he didn’t like the idea that she knew how to dominate a man. Cecilia’s lips left Lorenzo’s penis and continued their journey up his body, tracing a vertical line on his belly with her tongue. She pulled his shirt up so she could suck on a nipple, and ended up kissing him on the lips. Julio was paralyzed, unable to take his eyes off them. Part of him wanted to shout at them to stop, that they had already gone too far, that he couldn’t take it anymore. But a stronger part of himself enjoyed watching Cecilia’s entranced look, and the expression of pleasure and bewilderment on his friend’s face. He could not stop such a beautiful thing. Cecilia straddled Lorenzo, rubbing her crotch against his hardened penis. Then, in a fit of impatience, he saw her seize it, lift her butt, and impale herself. It was so neatly done that he could imagine the sensation of Cecilia’s warm vagina wrapping around his own cock. Lorenzo stiffened, on the brink of climax. “Not yet, champion! Take a deep breath, the best part is yet to come!” she said, her gaze fixed on Lorenzo’s face. Cecilia lowered herself until she sat on his belly, smiling at him with complicity. Lorenzo put his hands on her tits, squeezing them. She giggled and corresponded by pinching his nipples. “You have trapped me, girl!” “It’s to keep you from coming too soon, buddy! I lost my virginity the same way.” The sound of his own voice surprised him. He had not been able to speak up to that point. Lorenzo and Cecilia turned to look at him, and suddenly he felt part of what they were doing, not an invisible spectator anymore. “Man, this is amazing!” murmured Lorenzo. “Once you’re a bit less excited, we’ll start moving, okay?” said Cecilia. Lorenzo nodded. Soon, she started to move up and down on him, putting her hands on his chest. Lorenzo’s cock slipped out. She grabbed it and put it back inside. Lorenzo grabbed her buttocks and guided her in the up and down swing. They were completely focused on each other, and Julio felt the sense of complicity drift away. A certain uneasiness fought against the excitement of the scene. Cecilia seemed to have found the right angle and was now moving up and down in a mad frenzy, her tits bobbing in voluptuous waves, her curls shaking in the air. Suddenly, she stopped. He heard Lorenzo moan with pleasure. Cecilia threw her head back and abandoned herself to her own orgasm. It was the first time that he had seen Cecilia climax from afar, without being him who was giving her pleasure. It was a sight of remarkable beauty. It was over. It was too late to go back. He felt that a door had been opened to an unknown dimension. Until now, Cecilia had been his alone, but she had just shown him that she could enjoy another man. She was in full control of her sexuality. She had proved to be a great seductress. His uneasiness returned with renewed intensity. By the way she looked at him with a worried expression, Cecilia must have felt his mood. She got up and came over to sit on his lap. She kissed him tenderly. “Now it’s your turn. Come on, fuck me!” That was unexpected. He couldn’t deny his arousal, his cock was still hard. But he felt too confused inside. He couldn’t make love to her. Not in front of Lorenzo. “Come on! Don’t you have enough already? You just came!” “Yes, but only once… I want more! Besides, with you it’s different.” Lorenzo got to his feet and looked perplexedly at his half-naked body. He picked up his jeans, his underpants, and his shoes. “Thank you for my birthday present, guys!” he said, as if not quite sure what to do. He went to the bathroom. He must have realized that he needed privacy to make love to Cecilia. The privacy that Julio had not wanted to give him. How would he feel about Lorenzo from now on? Would they dare to talk about what had happened? Or was the whole thing going to become an obstacle to their friendship, something they would carefully avoid in all their conversations? Cecilia, on the other hand, would surely want to know how he felt. What was he going to tell her? The thought of confessing to her how much it had excited him to see her fucking Lorenzo frightened him. Maybe she’d take it as an invitation to do it again. He didn’t feel capable of going through this again. “Come on, don’t be so stubborn!” she whispered. “Do I have to seduce you, too?” Cecilia’s hand settled on his belly, caressing his erection through his pants. She already knew. She understood that he had enjoyed seeing her fuck Lorenzo, and now she wanted to wrap up the whole thing by making him cum too. But he couldn’t allow her to control him as she had controlled Lorenzo. He had to show her that he was still in control, of his own desires and hers. “Yeah, I see you’re a born seductress. Come on, get dressed, we’re leaving,” he said, giving her a swat on the butt. “Then you don’t want to do it? Is there anything wrong?” she said with a hurt look. “Come on, don’t be annoying, Cecilia!” “You are not jealous, are you?” “Well, yes, a little! But you were right: jealousy is fucking great!” If you enjoyed this story, you will find more erotic scenes like this in my novel Games of Love and Kink. Copyright 2022 Hermes Solenzol.

(Just a few uncomfortable questions) Being a progressive meant having hope in the future? Progressives defended freedom of expression? Censorship was something conservatives did? You listened to people with opinions different from yours? You could be proud of being a man? You could be proud of being a woman? The Patriarchy didn’t mean “men”? It was not self-defeating for a man to be a feminist? Intention mattered? People were presumed to be innocent until proven guilty? Abortion, contraception and reproductive rights were not women’s problems, but everybody’s problem? It was possible not to be racist? Racism meant hating people because of their race? Sexism meant hating people because of their sex? Vaccines were routine healthcare? Conservatives believed in science? Leftists believed in science? Doctors and scientists were not terrorized by zealots? Lab rats were cool? Monkeys in scientific experiments were cute? Meat was a healthy meal and not a crime? Bicycles didn’t have motors? “Ecologist” and “environmentalist” were synonyms? Ecology was a science? Nuclear war was our worst fear? “Privileged” was not an insult? “Socialist” was not a dirty word? “Educate yourself” meant “go to school” instead of “agree with my dogma”? The Left supported workers? Workers voted Left? Baby boomers were hippies, pacifists and anti-establishment? Conservatives believed in democracy and fought dictatorships, and not the other way around? I do remember. I must be getting old.

To be or not to be... a prostitute Excerpt from my novel Games of Love and Kink. Madrid, Friday July 22, 1977 He was a wealthy guy, you could see that a mile away. He wore a silk shirt, dark blue with a delicate, sawn-in pattern; cream-colored trousers, and brown moccasins. The body underneath those expensive garments spoke of frequents visits to gyms and massage parlors. He was around forty, neatly shaved, with a haircut that looked good despite his receding hairline. He ordered mullets, purple carabineros shrimp, and a salad. Perhaps not the most expensive items on the menu, but certainly the most delicious. He hadn’t take his eyes off her from the moment he’d walked into the restaurant. Now that her brother Luis was not home, she liked to dress sexy for work: a gray miniskirt, sandals, and a see-through beige blouse. The apron covered her legs to the knees on the front but, on the back, you could apprize most of her tan thighs. She liked to show her sexy body. Lucas, her boss, certainly did not complain if she made the place more attractive to the customers. Soon after serving him the salad, he motioned her to come to his table. Without saying anything, he picked a glass shard from the lettuce. Cecilia took it. It was sharp. It could have meant a trip to the ER if he had swallowed it. “This totally unacceptable! Somebody should spank the cook!” she joked. “I’ll get you another salad right away, sir!” “With more tomatoes and a bit less glass, please.” “Don’t charge him for the salad, of course,” Lucas said when she told him what had happened. “And be nice to him. If he complains again about the glass, we’ll have to give him the rest of the dinner for free. I wonder what they broke in the kitchen.” “Do you want me to find out?” “No, I’ll take care of that. We’ll have to look everywhere for more pieces of glass. You take care of the client. Make sure that he doesn’t lack anything.” She approached the customer and gave him her most charming smile. “I’ll get you your salad right away, sir! We won’t charge you for it, of course. If you want anything else, just let me know.” “I will. You are very kind.” Outside, there was a rumble of thunder and a sudden gust of wind through the trees. Good! Hopefully, it’ll get cooler. She went to clean a table that had just been vacated, turning her back to the customer. She leaned over without bending her knees, knowing that this would give him a good view of her legs. Maybe even a glimpse of her panties. Hopefully, that’ll make him forget about the glass shard. Lucas told me to keep the customer happy, didn’t he? He took a leather notebook out of his pocket and wrote something on it. He tore the page off and left it on the table. When she came to take his plate away, he put the note on the plate, as if meant to be thrown away but, with a subtle movement of his finger, he indicated that she should read it. He didn’t even glance at her throughout the whole process. She went behind the counter to read it. It said: “10,000 pesetas for sex.” Her first reaction was to show it to Lucas. But what was he supposed to do? He wasn’t going to bother the customer about that trifle. And even less so after the problem with the glass shard! No, she was old enough to handle this type of situation by herself. She was about to throw the note away when she saw the customer giving her an amused smile. All right, funny guy! Let’s have some fun! She wrote in the note “20,000 pesetas”. It was a ridiculously large amount of money. She was sure nobody would spend it, just to fuck. When he was done with his dinner, she put the note under the bill. He read it, wrote something on it, and called her. “On second thought, I’m going to have coffee, too. Put it on the bill, please.” Under the bill there was the note, to which he had added: “Deal.” She had fallen into her own trap. Well, no problem. I’ll just throw the note away. Game over. She felt flattered to be worth such a hefty price. Twenty thousand pesetas! That’s more than I make working for a month in this damn place! Just for sex. And the guy is good-looking, too! Damn it, and I’m so horny! It’s been more than a week since I’ve been laid. And it’ll be three more weeks before Julio gets back. She remembered a story she had heard about Groucho Marx. “Madam, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?” Groucho had asked. “Of course!” the lady had replied with a chuckle. “Now, would you sleep with me for five dollars?” “Gentleman! Who do you think I am?” she replied. Then came Groucho’s punchline: “We have already established that. Now we are just haggling about the price.” That was the issue. The price was good, but it meant that she would become a whore. Julio called her that, sometimes, and that turned her on. But this was no joke. This was the real thing. “Cecilia! What are you doing? That coffee it’s getting cold on the counter!” Lucas called. She was torn by doubt. What to do? Tell him that it was all a joke and back out? Go ahead with the adventure? What would Julio say? The guy was looking at her out of the corner of his eye, waiting for an answer. She needed to make up her mind. Let’s look at it rationally. Sex for money… what’s wrong with that? I need both. Such an opportunity doesn’t come every day. It’s an adventure, an erotic adventure, the kind I like. Julio is enjoying his adventures in the Alps. Why shouldn’t I have my own adventure, here in Madrid? He will understand. After all, this is what we talked about, right? To do the erotic revolution. Sex for money. Prostitution. It’s just another taboo. One more barrier to break. Yes, it has to be a rational decision, not based on mere social conventions. She hurriedly scrawled in the paper: “I’m off at eleven.” She put the note under the coffee plate and brought it to him. He read it, nodded almost imperceptibly, and put it in his pocket. Maybe it was just a trick. Like Groucho, the guy had wanted to establish what she was. Now that he had achieved that, he would be satisfied. Maybe he would show the note to his friends. Or, at worst, to Lucas. She tried not to think about it. He took his time finishing his coffee. When Cecilia returned with the additional bill, he motioned for her to listen. “A dark blue Mercedes,” he whispered. “I’ll be in front of the restaurant at eleven.” She nodded. It was ten-thirty when he left. She was nervous. She tried to hide it as she cleaned the tables. Every once in a while, thunder rumbled outside. Sinister ideas came to her mind. What if he raped her? Well, that would be the same, wouldn’t it? Except that she wouldn’t get paid. It was a risk she was willing to take. Of course, it could be worse. He could hurt her, even kill her. But why would he? She decided to be careful. Back down at the least sign of danger. She didn’t finish until five after eleven. Her heart was beating fast as she went out into the street. Gusts of wind swept dry leaves along the sidewalks. A Mercedes was double-parked a few feet away. It was dark. Blue or black, at night you couldn’t tell. She walked towards it quickly, looking back to see if someone who knew her was looking. He was behind the wheel. Was there anyone else in the car? She tried to look through the windows, but the glass was too dark. The interior light went on, long enough for her to see that no one else was there. He wanted to reassure her. The door opened. Cautiously, she sat in the front seat, leaving the door ajar. How will this turn out? Will Cecilia get hurt? Or will she had the sexual adventure she’s hoping for? What will her boyfriend Julio say when he finds out? To discover the answer to these questions, and enjoy more erotic adventures of Cecilia, read my novel Games of Love and Kink. Copyright 2022 Hermes Solenzol.