How desire, arousal and sex are used for control and service in Dominance/submission
BDSM and sexual desire
BDSM is not always sexual but, for most of its practitioners, is an essential part of their sexuality. For sexual masochists, spankings, bondage and different forms of erotic pain are a big turn-on and sometimes required for their arousal. Likewise, inflicting pain elicits sexual arousal in sadists.
This chapter, however, is about the converse: how sexual desire, arousal, and sex are used to control and subjugate a submissive in the particular form of BDSM called dominance/submission, or D/s. Pleasure can be a tool for control as effective as pain.
For a lot of people, it may be shocking that some people agree to be used sexually for the pleasure of others, giving up their own pleasure in the process. This may seem abusive and exploitative. According to some feminist ideologies, women who submit do it because they have internalized the dictates of the patriarchy to service men. However, there are a lot of submissive men who put servicing and pleasuring their Mistress above their own desires. Because that is, precisely, their main desire. I believe that there no subconscious political forces in D/s. In my article The Origins of Dominance-Submission, I speculate that the desire to submit arises from the anxiety produced by shame, pride and societal pressures.
In any case, we must keep in mind that in most cases the desire to submit sexually arises spontaneously in the submissive, and not from any kind of brain-washing by the Dominant.
How sex can be used in dominance/submission (D/s)
In another chapter, What Happens in a Dominance-Submission Relationship?, I listed seven basic practices of D/s. Here is how sex can be used in each them.
Obedience - The most direct form of expressing sexual submission is by renouncing our natural inclination to feel pleasure and achieving orgasm. Once sexual arousal has started, we feel compelled to let it progress and grow until we achieve orgasm and release. But a Dominant can start and interrupt this process, dragging in on for as long as necessary to convey to the submissive his control. Obeying his commands is the first step in the process.
Surrender can be expressed as the acceptance of pain, but also as the renunciation of pleasure. But it goes even further. Sexual desire and arousal are vulnerable states, so letting the Dominant have complete access to them is a deep form of surrender. Sexual pleasure is not always desirable. Being sexually aroused in the wrong place, - for example, in a public place in front of strangers - can be scary and humiliating.
Service can simply consist of pleasuring the Dominant with oral sex or other sexual acts in which the submissive plays an active but subservient role. The submissive can also serve the Dom by becoming sexualized to increase his desire and arousal.
Discipline - Obedience, surrender and service naturally lead to the development of a sexual discipline in which the submissive allows his sexuality be gradually tamed and molded by the Dominant.
Punishment - A direct way to punish the submissive could be depriving her of sex for a period of time. A more subtle punishment would be to arouse her but not letting her achieve orgasm. Other forms of punishment can involve sexual acts that are degrading for the submissive and pleasurable for the Dom.
Demeanor may involve dressing, posing and moving in sexualized ways to gratify the Dom. The submissive presents herself as a sexual object for everyone to admire.
Mind-fucking can be done quite effectively by using sexual desire, arousal and need to orgasm to put the submissive into a state of defeat and surrender. This can be done by manipulating the mechanisms of sex to induce frustration - for example by prolonged stimulation with no hope of release. But even orgasm can be used for mental manipulation - for example, by making multi-orgasmic women climax repeatedly.
In the following sections, I give specific examples of ways to use sexual control in D/s.
Erotic dressing and public nudity
One of the milder forms of sexual control is to use sexual shame and its tension with exhibitionism to sexualize the submissive. The taboo against nudity and being exposed can be used to evoke an intoxicating combination of fear, shame and exhibitionistic desire.
BDSM centers on the body of the submissive - it is being restrained with bondage, hit or tormented to produce pain, or sexually stimulated. Alternatively, public attention can be focused on it by exposing it in erotic attire or in various levels of undress.
Many submissives are exhibitionists, more or less openly. This is because sexualization evokes the same feelings of vulnerability as being beaten or tied up. Evoking sexual desire in others gives you the power to capture their attention and, at the same time, the vulnerability of being used by the mere fact of being watched. Exhibitionism exists in tension with the fear and shame produced by nudity.
Of course, public nudity can have some unpleasant consequences is real life. That is why there are BDSM parties in which these things can be practiced in a public, and yet safe, environment. A submissive can arrive in a regular outfit and change into sexy paraphernalia, or have her body gradually exposed to the gaze of other by the Dominant. Provocative dressing may include erotic clothing - miniskirts, hot shorts, high heels, garter belts, stockings, lace bras and panties - or fetish gear - corsets, harnesses, leather, latex, pants with exposed crotch or bottom, etc. All this marks the submissive as a sexual object on display.
Secrets under the clothes
Other of games may involve secret manipulation of clothing in public. The most obvious one is to make a woman wear a skirt without panties. Depending on the length of the skirt, there is a risk that somebody would catch a glimpse of her bottom or pubis. Fear of public humiliation and the extra care dedicated to not getting exposed is a good mind-fuck.
Likewise, wearing a tight shirt without a bra will expose breast and nipples at the limit of decency.
Both submissive men and women can be ordered to lower their underwear to just below the crotch. This is pretty safe if wearing pants, but nevertheless will induce a feeling of exposure and hinder walking.
There can also be hidden bondage. Women can have a rope tightly bound around the hips and between the labia. Men can have their penises and genitals bound.
Private nudity
In private, doing house chores while naked is an old favorite in D/s. Even better, the submissive can be made to wear high heels, a garter belt, stockings, gloves and… nothing else. Leaving exposed parts of the body that are usually covered is more sexualizing than mere nudity. Of course, sexy clothes can also serve to emphasize sexual service at home.
Sexual jewelry
Recently, a number of sexy objects to be worn in the genitals or the nipples have reached the market. Jewelry for women is designed to spread the labia or rub the clit, producing constant sexual stimulation. Other jewelry clamp around the nipples, keeping them erect and aroused. Men may wear straps around the penis and balls.
One level up is sexual piercing, which is permanent. In women, the nipples, the labia and the clitoral hood may be pierced. Men may have the frenulum or the glands pierced.
Many people do this just as a fetish. In a D/s context, sex jewels and piercings are worn at the request of the Dominant, as a constant reminder of the submissive’s surrender of their physical autonomy.
Using sex toys for domination
Dildos, butt plugs, vibrators (especially remotely controlled ones) and fucking machines can be used to establish sexual domination. I described their use and safety concerns in the chapter Sex Toys, so here I am only going to briefly explain how they are used in D/s.
While a male Dominant is able to fuck his female submissive any time he wants, penetrating her with a dildo allows him to stimulate her vaginally without being distracted by his own pleasure. A dildo can also be worn under the clothes to send the message that the submissive is sexually possessed.
Butt plugs that can be inflated inside the rectum to increase their invasiveness are particularly well-suited for D/s. Even better are the ones with articulated lobes that open inside the rectum. Some can even be locked with a key. In women, this acts as a sort of chastity belt, because vaginal penetration becomes impossible. All this emphasizes quite effectively that the submissive is sexually owned, because the stimulation of the anus and the rectum is unrelenting.
Anal hooks and butt plugs with a handle in the base can be used to attach a leash or ropes for bondage. Tugging on the leash or the ropes sends sensations inside the anus, provoking an exquisite feeling of vulnerability.
At BDSM parties and similar public settings where the submissive can be put on display, butt plugs with bright colored crystals at the base, or with an attached tail, can be used to make everybody aware of the plight of the submissive. This adds an element of humiliation, or simply advertises that the submissive is sexually owned.
In D/s, vibrators allow Dominants to induce sexual arousal in their submissives very quickly, and to stop it equally fast. This is done in women by stimulating the clitoris, and in men by using vibrating rings around the penis. Turning the vibrator on and off at intervals, the Dominant can keep the submissive in a constant state of arousal and suspense.
Vibrators that are controlled remotely are particularly well-suited for sexual domination. Stimulating the submissive when she least expects it can be a sophisticated form of mind-fuck. However, the Dominant must be careful that this doesn’t interfere with work or creates a dangerous situation - for example, while driving.
Fucking machines take the idea of sexual domination to an extreme. They are often combined with bondage to induce strong feelings of helplessness and sexual subjugation. They can be used for pleasure, discipline or punishment. By controlling the size and shape of the dildo, the depth of penetration and the speed of thrusting, the Dominant can deliver a variety of overwhelming sensations. In multi-orgasmic women, they can be used to induce repeated forced orgasms, which can lead to altered states of consciousness.
However, there are some safety concerns. Vaginal abrasion and even tears can occur without the submissive noticing them. Special caution should be used when using fucking machines in the anus, which is more fragile than the vagina. A fucking machine can produce hemorrhoids, especially if it is not adequately lubricated. A submissive should never be left strapped to a fucking machine unsupervised. Repeated orgasms and prolonged sexual arousal can lead to physical exhaustion, shortness of breath and panic attacks.
Bukkake
Bukkake consist in ejaculating over the face or the body of another person. It’s a fetish often portrayed in porn, usually involving several men. Because it is very visual, it is used by detractors of porn as an example of how it humiliates women. Of course, facials are also done on gay men.
In BDSM, the degrading element of bukkake is one of the main reasons it is done. Judging from the happy, semen-covered faces of many women in Fetlife.com - a social medium for people into fetishes and kink - this act can also be very erotic for the receiver.
Face fucking
Rough oral sex is a common act of sexual domination. When the Dominant is a man, this may take the form of face fucking, which can be done to women or other men.
While in a normal fellatio the person giving it is the active partner, in face fucking the receiver is ordered to just open the mouth. Then the penis is shoved into it and moved with the thrusts of fucking. Gagging, slobbering and drooling are considered a plus, since they emphasize the vulnerability of the submissive.
Face fucking works best when the head of the recipient is braced against the bed or other furniture to prevent it from moving away from the penis. Bondage can also be added to increase passivity. Alternatively, the Dominant may grab the hair or the head of the submissive to retain it, or force it to move the ways he wants.
There are gags that force the mouth to stay open, increasing the exposure of the submissive. A ring gag consists of one or two metal rings placed between the front teeth and held with a strap around the head. However, this has the inconvenience that the penis has to be inserted through the ring and rubs against it. A Jennings Gag is a device used by dentists to keep the mouth of their patients open. It consists of two metal bars that go behind the front teeth joined by a ratcheting hinge that can be released with a lever. Again, a thrusting penis may chafe against the metal bar or the front teeth. A better choice may be a type of gag consisting of a wedge inserted between the molars, held in place by a strap around the back of the head. There is nothing hindering the entrance of the penis in the mouth, and the front teeth are opened wide enough not to be a problem.
Face fucking can be challenging for the receiver, who feels invaded and out of control. Some people have trouble breathing through their noses, particularly when receiving this rough treatment, so getting out of breath - to the point of passing out - is a potential problem.
Another potential problem is that face fucking can easily induce vomit. If the submissive is laying face-up, the vomit can go inside the windpipe, presenting an asphyxiation hazard. Vomit is very acidic (it contains hydrochloric acid), so it can burn the throat and the mouth of the submissive and the penis of the Dominant. This can be prevented by a quick wash with plenty of water.
Face sitting
When the Dominant is a woman, rough oral sex can consist of face sitting. The woman straddles the head of the submissive, facing backwards toward the feet or forward, and places her pussy or her anus over the mouth and nose of her partner. The submissive is then ordered to lick, while the Dominant is free to move to expose her favorite bits to his or her attentions.
As with face fucking, the submissive is immobilized in this position, his head trapped between the legs of the woman and her crotch. The feeling of subjugation can be increased by adding bondage.
One important safety issue here is the ability of the submissive to breathe. Unlike face fucking, the top can easily block both the mouth and the nose of the bottom, even inadvertently. Indeed, face sitting is sometimes considered as a form of breath play. The risk of asphyxiation is increased by the fact that the Dominant is unable to see the face of the submissive. The safest way to practice face sitting is to release the pressure frequently to allow the submissive to breathe, and use this opportunity to communicate with him or her.
Orgasm control and chastity
Chastity and various forms of orgasm control are so important in D/s that I have addressed them in a different article, Orgasm Control and Chastity in BDSM.